25 August 2009

no nonsense

Sorry for my silence and absence, but I have not really known what to say. I was lying in bed sunday night, looking at the white twinkle lights in the living room through the windows, and thinking how much better I feel sometimes after dark when my options are more limited. I cannot see the garden that needs weeding, or the roof I worry I might need to replace, or this that or the other thing. My scope gets closer, I can only see so far. I do not feel as torn to do this or that. But as my outside life gets simpler- but that is when my inside life gets a little more intense. That is when my demons walk around. I have been sleeping badly, having a hard time getting to sleep which never happens, I am used to waking, not having a hard time sleeping, but then when morning comes, I feel like shit, so bone tired, I wake sad. And this is so NOT ME. Not the me I know and like. This is like being hijacked by my not favorite self.

I spoke with Patricia, the IF therapist from NYC, last night, our inaugural conversation- she is sharp, people, sharp and direct and knowledgeable. She knows the lingo, the people, the places, she knows the struggles, she knows the stats, she is not someone who blows sunshine or who strives for warm fuzzies at all costs. She is human and funny and seemed to really get me, get the split between my brain and my heart. It was so great not to have to explain myself, to worry about spending time describing the technicalities.

I had homework, and I have done most already-- easy stuff, look up the stats for DE and IVF in IVF New Jersey (anyone here go there? they have some pretty amazing stats), write to CCRM and see if they are willing to tell me what protocol they would have used if I could have afforded to go there (um, no, thanks for asking, and no, there are no studies for women my age that I can take part in).

Patricia affirmed that that is the dream place, for almost anyone in any circumstances, and that they are doing amazing things. She goes to the conferences, she has met most of the players. It was interesting to have the inside view of both her professional opinion and then the additional insight from her work with patients.

I told her I did not know what I was really after in our conversations, just that I feel like shit. And that was ok too. In that moment, that felt like enough. I did not need a big clear agenda.

I hated going over my history, hate that it sounds horrible all condensed like that. I hate that I cannot just answer something groovy-- life has been great, I just waited too long-- instead there is this tangle of other plot lines, of having and losing and distrusting and waiting and wanting and hoping and having and losing and..... not all about babies, but it sucks to revisit the powerlessness of so much of it. The blind hope, and then.

So, that part sucked.

Now I am babbling so I will stop.
Just wanted to say hello. And to any of you who wonder if it is worth talking with her, I say a resounding yes- as long as you are not after warm fuzzies and gentle affirmation, this is more about acknowledging the suckitude, gathering information and taking action.


onwardandsideways said...

Well, here I come with my controversial comments again. Take 'em with a grain of salt.

CCRM is *not* the dream place. I've read too many stories about people cycling there. I know of quite a few failed cycles that have happened there. I think you would not like the REs there, from what I can tell from reading your blog. Ditto for the nurses. It's a bit of a factory.

Something happened with our donor's stims. I don't know what, but it wasn't what it should have been. I have questions about that. I don't feel like they were totally upfront with me in terms of what happened.

The experience I had with their embryologist also still leaves nagging questions in my mind.

I never heard from them again once I got past 12 weeks. Never a follow-up phone call from the RE. And I have questions. If I requested one, I guarantee you they would charge me $250 for it.

IM(humble)O, there are clinics that are just as good, that charge less.

Also, CCRM does not offer any kind of money-back guarantee program. Cycling without that is like playing craps in Las Vegas blindfolded. I'll never cycle anywhere again that doesn't have a reasonable money-back program.

Have you looked into AFC in Chicago? Excellent stats, money-back programs.

Okay, enough of that. You know where to come for advice on clinics if you ever want it. And... fwiw... I'd be more than happy to share my DE protocol with you. You'd have to take it with a grain of salt, it's not one-size fits all.

Most of all, I am really glad you are talking to someone. It is too easy for all of this info, all these questions to turn into a jumbled mass of jiggling fear in our heads. If I could have afforded it, I would have talked to someone too. She sounds good for you, and I am glad for that.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Anonymous said...

Good to hear from you. ((HUGS))

Kate said...

Glad to see your posting, your thoughts on day versus night and the things that preoccupy us is very profound.

Regarding therapy, from my experience, the first few sessions are hard because you're listing out all the baggage and issues you have. It's emotionally draining. It truly takes a month or actually two or three before you fully start feeling better from the benefits of therapy. I'm glad you are pursuing this.

Anonymous said...

i've been thinking of you kate. sending you warm wishes across the miles.

What IF? said...

It's wonderful that you have found a therapist who gets IF. I'm sorry you had to dredge everything up that's painful, but I guess there's no other path to healing and peace.

I know it's not much comfort, but awful August is almost over. Hopefully you'll be sleeping soundly soon. (HUG)

Mad Hatter said...

Gosh, it's all just so hard, isn't it? You've had so much to deal with lately and I just want to tell you that you have done amazing throughout it all. You are being brave and plowing through the darkness and the light (and the fog!) and you're going to get to the other side. You will you will you will.
Lots of love,

IVF 40+ said...

It's great when you find a healthcare professional that gets it. They can make al the difference. I know mine has. Couldn't have gone through it without her. ell done - brave move.

Barefoot said...

So awesome that you're talking to someone who gets it. I've found it is really hard to find someone who can not blow sunshine but at the same time provide the info and support you need.

B. said...

It's good to hear from you, Kate, and I'm so glad you've found someone to talk to who gets it, who gets you, and who actually has insights to contribute. I guess the blogworld can only go so far, much as we want to be here for each other. And to have an actual voiced response rather than a typed one... immediate, and compassionate, and not sugar-coated platitiudes... so glad you found her. Be good to yourself.

Michele said...

I think it was TOTALLY a good idea to talk to her! I really hope that you find a place that feels "right" and that helps bring you to the place that you desire: a healthy pregnancy that goes full term. I hope that so much.

And no matter what you say, I am always glad to see you pop up in my blog feed. Always glad...

Hope said...

Good to hear that you found a good therapist. It does help to talk to someone who gets it.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I am glad you have found more help with a great therapist. It sounds like a good solid opportunity to sweep out some extra sorrow and demons. Anything that can help us move forward, I celebrate.