cd1

So, I spent a week away, a week of business travel, and a week of major exhausting crappy flu-ish-ness. I am home now, still flu-y. Still wiped out. And today is cd1. 

I called the clinic. They want me to start BCPs today in preparation for IVF week of Jan 19th.

Things can change. Next week's last minute almost-through-the-cracks Pap may come back wonky. The schedule may have to shift. But tonight, I am acting as if... as if we are going to do this thing. 

Something to confess: I want to think that they have this under control. The million details. I need to think that. To have them discover the need for the Pap this late?  It shakes me.  It really does.

It also strikes me that I do not want to be doing this. I had held out hope that somehow we would catch a break, get pregnant this past cycle in spite of every reason why that was unlikely. So now I hope we catch a break--no, a million breaks. Starting with a fine Pap. A fine response. A fine retrieval. A fine transfer of fine embryos. A fine pregnancy. A fine delivery. A fine and healthy and normal life.