I can't whistle: Clinical

09 December 2008

Clinical

Anxiety. Did an inventory of my crisper-- 5 boxes repronex minus 1 dose. 4 boxes 150IU follistim. 16 boxes 75IU follistim. Called the clinic. Made appointments for next week for back up sample freezing and injection class.

God I am scared. I feel overwhelmed by this. How fast time is marching towards what I am dreading. I asked about the catheter that they might use during transfer (should we be so lucky) and got a nice response-- it may not be necessary, but if so, they will use a pediatric and took note of my needs. Learned the HCG shot can be subcutaneous not just intramuscular. See? Something(s) good. Learned about the pharmacy. The dosages. The things I can mix and the things I cannot. The progesterone in oil. The suppositories.

I took my first BCP last night, so I did not temp this morning and will not until next cycle. There is no point since I am suppressing. It should have felt like a vacation. But instead, I felt heavy and sad and it was nearly impossible to pry myself from bed.

My pragmatic Kate says-- hey! progress! onward and upward! this is our best chance! whoo hoo! get in there and let's DO THIS THING.

My more kate Kate says, Shit.

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About this blog

I started this blog during struggles with infertility--struggles that resulted in countless IUIs, medications, procedures, 5 attempted IVF cycles, 2 pregnancies, one heartbreaking loss, and one miracle baby.

Parenthood left me feeling like I was not sure what to do here, with this amazing community. To talk about parenting felt boastful for those still and forever struggling. To not talk about it felt disingenuous. So here I am. I want to talk about my real life. Parenting. Midlife reassessment. Flailing. Finding myself. Mucking about.

So yes, I am a midlife parent of an amazing child.
Yes, I battled infertility and will be forever changed by every single moment of that journey.
I am imperfect and life is messy, but it is also so beautiful.

Among many other things, I hope to reconnect to myself through writing here. And I hope to connect with you too. Others out there, parenting maybe later in life. Maybe after struggling. Maybe struggling still. We can all use a safe place and a lot of compassion. That's what I am offering to you. I hope you'll stick around.

inside out

"The key is, starting from the inside out. Often you say, “I don’t know what to do.” True, you don’t know what to do. There are infinite possibilities. And a bunch of them haven’t worked for you. A lot of them have been tried, and they haven’t worked under what you think are the same conditions. And so, you sort of pace around, you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want to have. But you always, you always, if you will stop and think about it, you ALWAYS know how you want to feel."

--Abraham