So it is monday, day 4 of Lupron- and I have a learned a few things: if you are translucent like I am, look for veins before you put in the needle; if there's blood, there'll be a bruise; if you go slowly and look first, the pain happens mostly just as you pierce the skin and not while you put the needle the rest of the way in; when you're done, it stings for a while after; let the alcohol dry for a few seconds after you think you're good; when you're done, wipe with a gauze, cotton ball or wad of toilet paper, NOT the alcohol wipe since dang that stings.
I have had a few waves of sad but still feel like kate so far. when I am about to inject or am injecting or feeling the sting afterwards, I feel like shit, a deep blue. But then I am ok. So I think so far this is circumstantial and not the drugs talking. at least, not yet. Clomid made me crazy sad, so I am really worried about what might happen when I start the stim drugs in a few weeks. My sweet sister suggests I try to stay in this moment, something I have always sucked at. I am trying.
My solace has always been in paying attention to things OUTSIDE of myself-- the sky, the trees, the wooly horses, the silly wild turkeys, the green lichen, the cranberries we spread across the snow-- I am finding it really hard to stay connected to the things that have always mattered most. I hiked on saturday morning, a great big snowy hike up the back side of the "mountain" in the fog. It was warm enough to go without too many layers and I got to the top without having to stop too many times.
My drive in to work is by a stream which is usually just about iced in by this time of year, but in this warm it is running high, carrying the melt of 2 feet of snow. The edges have a thin band of yellowish ice, it looks much more like march than december. It takes more energy than I can believe to just pay attention-- to the fog yesterday blowing and swirling past the window as I played with my new old ebay ibook. Look kate, look-- THAT is life happening. right here, right now. not if or when or if only. it just is. I wish it did not take so much effort to feel connected right now.
I am missing my self-- the one that laughed more, the one that was more frivolous. I know that a lot has happened that makes it make sense that I am more careful, more pessimistic, more watchful. As my dear friend Tammy so kindly said recently, " I wish I could say that there will be a time when you will go back to being "Kate" but since we're always evolving we'll always get the updated Kate!" Ok then. I want a happier kinder gentler updated kate. with cookies.