Yeah, what she said....

Sprogblogger just wrote the most amazing piece on motherhood and DE. Eloquence, truth, love. Bring tissues.

Baby Interrupted's recent post 34w5d is completely awesome. So all I can say is please go there, read her. And her most recent post included this poem which rocked me back on my heels. I'd read it before, but this time it hit home.

Things to Do in the Belly of the Whale

Measure the walls. Count the ribs. Notch the long days.
Look up for blue sky through the spout. Make small fires
with the broken hulls of fishing boats. Practice smoke
signals.
Call old friends, and listen for echoes of distant voices.
Organize your calendar. Dream of the beach. Look each
way for the dim glow of light. Work on your reports.
Review each of your life's ten million choices. Endure
moments of self-loathing. Find the evidence of those
before you. Destroy it. Try to be very quiet, and listen for
the sound of gears and moving water. Listen for the sound
of your heart.
Be thankful that you are here, swallowed with all hope,
where you can rest and wait. Be nostalgic. Think of all
the things you did and could have done. Remember
treading water in the center of the still night sea, your
toes pointing again and again down, down into the black
depths.

Dan Albergotti

Jen Lee, fresh back from Squam Art Workshops, is sharing some fabulous reminders for soul-care and other deep truths on her site. A recent favorite:

"It's okay to not know what to do next. Laying down is always good for the not-knowing moments."

And in other news:

So, every once in a while I get OCD about something-- where I fixate and decide if only I can find the perfect _______ then All Will Be Well... this has never actually worked out in such a magical way, and the Quest can be insane and insanely consuming. I've grown up enough to know when it is happening, and heck, I can even laugh at myself as I am doing it. I sometimes give myself permission to seek and search, sometimes I cut myself off and haul myself out into the world as a distraction.

This time, I realized I wanted a baby book for our little one, but I did not want it to be kittens and bunnies or Pooh or "mommy and daddy", I did not want the presumption of christianity, heterosexuality, or of marriage, or of anything really. I did not want to feel overwhelmed. I wanted simplicity, flexibility, beauty, contemporary design-- something the grown up baby could have on his or her shelf and not have it scream BABY BOOK, and thus began my search. Through some stroke of luck after a long long search I landed on etsy, and through some other stroke of luck I found a shop called Ednamae (so help me I want to call it edamame).

I ordered a book, chose my cover color, my inside modules, and inside design, and kindly asked that my second choices be used to help with expedited shipping as needed since I was not sure when this little one might arrive but it might be soon (part of the OCD is/was me NEEDING THE BOOK TO BE HERE WHEN THE BABY COMES).

Two days later, the book arrived, expedited, from Oregon.

Perfection.

I wrote a love note to Kobie and she sent me the kindest reply including this gift for you. (Yes, YOU):

"

Thank you so much! I'm so glad you love it!
You can let your readers know they can have a coupon code on my new website,
ModernBabyBooks.com
coupon code:
NewWebsitePromo

for $5 off."

If you are thinking of a gift for yourself or a loved one, please please check her site out.

One more thing about this that makes it even more magical: THREE RING BINDER-- yes folks, that kind of flexibility.

So, kate, what about the lake?

Yesterday morning, wildly windy, rainy, insanely warm, we made our way to the specialist's office for the first appointment of the day. I'd carefully scheduled with the ultrasound lady from last time and was ready to hear what had to be said about the current state of my placenta.

First thing, we get called back by a different US tech, and I thought, well shit. And I tried to give up the control I was trying to wield. I did ok, but I was nervous as hell. The new lady did not help me feel calm although she was nice.

Doc came in and they did the internal together, just like last time (did I mention how much I like him?)

Bottom line:

baby is looking great at 6lbs+, head thoroughly wedged in my nether regions.

Lake is resolved.

what?

yes, the lake? resolved. Yes, I have a bit of extracurricular vascular activity that will require some vigilance immediately post-partum, but in this moment?

NORMAL PREGNANT LADY.

What does this mean?

no early scheduled c-section, no cause for undue alarm, just the usual let's-wait-and-see-how-this-plays-out scenario.

Hot diggity dog.

Beauty

Happy Equinox (yesterday)-- and happy Autumn- the season in which I will become a mom.

Holy moly folks. It is starting to feel more and more like this is really going to happen. Here we are, halfway through week 34. And every bit of this feels magical, miraculous and dreamy (dreamy also means a bit surreal and I wish I felt more like it is really happening moment to moment, but it's as if I can't quite let myself believe it. To which I say: fuck you, infertility).

So-- since timing is often odd, the weekend after Justin's truly fun balloon photos, our dear friend Susan Mullen, who was our insanely talented elopement photographer, had a free day and asked us to come to Maine for family pregnancy photos (it was the last day of week 32 I guess). How could we say no? So we spent the afternoon with her, taking family photos and laughing hard and simply enjoying the salty air and the slanting sun. Spending time in the company of both my beloved and a dear friend, what could be better?

We spent the night up there, slept not at all on a hard hotel bed with my broken-feeling pelvis, and headed back the next day.

Then she sent these.

Holy shit people-- want to see more? Since we've sort of outed ourselves here with our actual identities, I feel more open about sharing than I did. So, here's the link. And if you are thinking of southern Maine, and photos, and are happy and easy going, please think of Susan. She is a wonderful warm talented person, so easy to work with, so kind and generous, and so wonderfully FUN.

We had a great time and the images are simply breath taking. I cried, no kidding, when I saw them. How often do we get to see our own love, right on the surface? Bliss.

400th post

To celebrate my 400th post

I am pleased to announce:

SPROGBLOGGER HAD HER BABY!

WHOO HOO! Her it-all-ends-well birth story is up on her blog right-this-very-moment to satiate all of us who were refreshing compulsively all weekend.

I am over the moon for her and for The Boy.

Welcome to the world baby Henry,

we are all so very happy to have you here.

Timing

Proving once again that the universe is a strange and complex place,

Sprogblogger is probably having her baby right this very moment as her water broke at 1:30ish this morning.

I find myself praying to any benevolent gods that might be listening for her to have a dreamy delivery and a very healthy baby boy.

She is so very ready to meet Henry, and has been so very ready for several weeks, that I can only hope with all of My heart that her heart will be filled to overflowing with consuming happiness as he is placed in her arms. No baby has ever been wanted, anticipated, or loved more than this one.

I know grief and joy can coexist. And please god/goddess/all that is, I know of no one more deserving of JOY than Sprogblogger.

And to Sprogblogger's beloved mom, Sarah, should you ever read this, please know you are in my heart (you are anyway, dear one), but now particularly. I cannot imagine being where you are, please just know that in the only ways we can, my family and I are all sending great big gobs of love to you.

Love

Please go send love to Sprogblogger. Her baby is fine, but her heart is not after an unthinkable family tragedy.

week 33

Friday was our OB appointment and we asked about "The Plan" given "The Lake" and we got a sort-of-plan. We'll do an ultrasound at the specialist's office the 36th week. Then, based on the outcome, we'll decide what to do next.

IF the lake is still in place, then we can choose to do this or that:

We can go for an amnio week 37, check for lung maturity and do a C-section forthwith (or soon after steroid injections) (the specialist's choice)

OR

We can just simply wait, no amnio, for a planned C-section week 39 (the OB office's choice).

A lot depends on how much of a threat it feels to wait (and how much stress we feel like dealing with along the way with that much uncertainty)-- things we want to avoid: me bleeding badly, and an unnecessary premature birth.

In the meantime, if early labor, if too early, they may stave it off, if not that early, they'd do an "emergency" c-section.

IF the lake is resolved, then we go back to what, plan D? Wait for natural labor to begin?

All I know is that we feel kind of exhausted by the rollercoaster of ever changing complications and ever changing plans, so we're just going to get to the next things: I'll make an appointment for the ultrasound at the specialist's office for week 36 and meanwhile, we'll have our usual OB appointment in 2 weeks.

I do know this:

In spite of the cleaved pelvis feeling from hell

I love being pregnant. And while I am eager to meet this little person, and I am *so curious*, I am also willing to wait.

Today I bought a few more things that will fit me longer, since I imagine I might be pregnant for a while.

***

Ok about the photo: My dear friend (and ex) Justin is a professional photographer, and in the time we dated, he never took any photos of me- ok, one, that I hated, but never, you know, Photos.

So here we are, years later, and me, I'm hugely pregnant with a baby with another guy.

Awkward in many ways, yes.

And he had offered to take photos as I'd grown and grown, and I'd declined, knowing the weirdness might be too much for me. Might be too much for Doug. Might, in fact, just be too much.

But then I was a whole lot bigger, my body more foreign, and time (it feels) is running out, and suddenly the question came up again. I asked my darlin' if I could and he said yes, and before I could chicken out, we met on friday afternoon for a really fun shoot, resulting in photos entirely unlike classic pregnancy portraits. I brought balloons for no good reason and we got this awesome shot.

So while Justin does not read this blog, I wanted to share his magic. Neither his website nor his flickr site do his people-work justice (but look for the pregnant Elissa shots on his flickr site-- we should all be so lucky to look like that, but hey, she's a model). He is really, really good at what he does. and this photo? FUN.

Here's another:

week 32

Fantastic News! Joannah is pregnant! She had a great first beta and if you do not already know her story, it is one of true love and true devotion. I am not a crier and I cried reading her post. I am so happy for her, beyond happy really, over the moon.

NoodleGirl Lara had her baby! (BEAUTIFUL oh my)

And us? We're 32 weeks along, and I cannot quite believe it.

I spent too many hours this delicious long weekend job hunting/searching/researching and felt my life force being drained away. Seriously, I had to step away from the computer, get outside, get moving and remind myself that I cannot just let that depletion happen. I have to feed myself good things, love, nature, food, creativity.

Why oh why is it so easy to forget what I already know????

I did get extra sleep each morning since friday (night sleep sucks rocks, but morning sleep is awesome)-- so that was great. I am still tired but at least I've gotten some rest and I know it.

This morning at 4:35am as I got up, I saw this light in the woods through the window. The stars were so bright, Orion was completely visible behind the leafed out trees-- welcome back old friend!

placental venous lake

Quick update:

I no longer have previa of any kind. Hot damn.

Imagine if you will, a peaceful but undulating venous lake at the lower margin of my placenta.

Imagine that because of said lake, I will get rechecked week 36/37 and if it is still lakeish (80% chance of being so), I will get an amnio to test for the baby's lung development, and proceed to a fucking C-section.

If labor before then, emergency c-section. (no worries! he said, we do them all the time!)

Now, on the good side, I am very glad I went to the specialist.

First of all, I adore him. He is geeky, talks to me like I have a brain, is clear, no bullshit, but kind and direct.

Second, he stood hip to hip with the US tech and they did a very thorough exam, doppler flow, heart rate, baby looks great, and yeah, oh, how interesting! venous lake.

So I definitely feel well cared for and we all have the same outcome in mind: healthy baby, healthy kate.

But I did want to have the chance at a vaginal delivery, I really did.

so

YAY!!!!!!!!

and

shit.