Ouroboros

Today it rained all day and was not cold, and I can almost watch the snow vanishing.

It was a heavy day, but beautiful, truly. Buds are swelling on nearly every branch and I can only imagine that one warm day it will explode in color. Already the buds are changing how the woods appear, thickening the branches.

Today I went out in the world with Della, twice... I acted "as if" I knew what I was doing, walked with purpose, held her in my arms not in the car seat.

I think it is amazing just how the feeling of not knowing what I'm doing persists. And I guess it makes sense to feel this way since I've never done any of this before. And yet, now I know that if jiggling and dancing does not work, then she is tired or hungry, and I just need to check my memory for which one was longest ago.

I know she likes movement, and things to examine. Now she likes things to hold and rumple. Cape Cod potato chip bags RULE (thisbagisnotatoy I promise she is never unattended).

Today was so many smiles and such intensity as she watched people, touched their hair, looked at the lights on the ceilings.

Remember when I could not imagine *ever* going out? Now I can imagine it, and now I know tricks to how to make it more successful. Even those tricks do not always work, but they do often enough to make me feel armed with potentially helpful information. See me? Doing this?

The past two days Della has rolled over, front to back, I missed it of course.

And today, she bounced and jumped and danced in her doorway bouncy seat! Total glee (for me and for her!) I still remember loving my jolly jumper when I was little. I do not care if it is a true memory or a photo-induced memory, I remember glee.

My best dreams, still, are ones where I can bounce really high.

Anyway, she has stood and swiveled in the bouncy seat before, but today, for whatever reason, she bounced.

I've been thinking a lot about infertility and how it changes us.

How I hope beyond words that I do not always feel somehow broken, somehow less-than, somehow "other".

I want Della to feel strong and capable and am thinking about my feelings and my own behavior and what I want to model for her. I want her to feel strong, not fragile. Whole, not broken.

I also am trying to pay attention to where my energy is going. And with that, trying to see if I can change where I am spending my attention, and what spin I am giving my story.

I've been thinking a lot about how challenges can become obsessive, even those without direct solutions. You know that snake eating its own tail? Ouroboros?

To kick myself out of the unending cycle of memory and regret and the whole roads-not-taken contemplation that can eat your soul with fava beans and a fine chianti...I've been actively reframing.

To wit: I've been thinking a lot about how amazingly grateful I am that I had the job I had when I had it so I could justify doing just that one last IVF (knowing I would pay it off someday, and I still know I will just maybe someday longer in the future) otherwise we would not have Della, which, truly is unimaginable. She is my heart. And, to be honest, I am grateful too, to have this time with her.

We might not all sleep through the night ever again. But you know what? Totally worth it.