30 April 2011

another photo

So, hello!
This past week has been intense. The breast issue, work, shit sleep, then a crazy rush to get the house ready for photos with only two days warning- almost impossible and very stressful and crazy. Actually, it turns out it Was impossible to get it done so I rescheduled the photos to next week. It is very hard to do things half assed, but I know that I need to learn this- for sanity maybe, for just simply getting things done.

I am not a perfectionist, but I have high standards and it is hard to let myself do "enough" and not keep some bizarre expectation of "as well as I can"-- and I always suck at taking context into account.

I have a baby, a beautiful spirited wonderful interactive hands-on baby. This is not a put down in a playpen baby, or sit for longer than a minute in a bouncy chair baby. She is great in a front carrier, but front carriers are not conducive to carrying anything else.

So-- with this, my mom came and helped beyond measure by being with Della while I ran in circles. Piles of crap into boxes, into the basement, into some semblance of order. Push it back, neaten it up, clean the surfaces. Try not to freak out.

Like almost every project there is a mess making stage. You know the one, right? It happens in my painting, my writing, almost any project where ideas are swirling, and have not quite jelled. First there is mess making. Then, there is a reassembly, a re-creation, a putting back together. Thursday was a coming apart, mess making day. Friday was a little more of a coming back together day but my oh my there is so much left to do.

Today was an errands day
and now, a rest evening. I am wiped out. I realize that there are Things I Have To Do and there are a whole bunch of things that can wait. Right now I am trying to learn to let things that can wait, wait. I am trying.

Amazing lovely Della is asleep in this moment on Doug.
She is miraculous, sitting almost by herself, standing with very little guidance, blowing raspberries which is hysterical. This week was hard on her too with belly upset from my antibiotics and shit sleep as a result.
My Dr follow-up yesterday resulted in no more of those, since I am now happily clear and fine. Possible yeast infection in one nipple, are you kidding me? Time will tell. And we talked supplementation for milk supply if it does not bounce back. All I need to do is call if monday comes and pumping shows that supply is still low. (bless her).
But, as of today, happily bellies feel better, and I am hoping our night will be more peaceful. She is insanely beautiful, I swear I could just watch her all the time. But I think that sounds creepy. Honest? Absolutely. But creepy.


Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Having been through the house-prep whirlwind not long ago, I feel for you. But it's (mostly) done!

Good luck with the physical stuff, and the rest of course.

Eb 40+ said...

She is so lovely. look at those eyes! I bet when she smiles she just lights up the room.

good luck with all the projects and work!

Billy said...

Oh, wow! long time haven't been here!
She's really gorgeous! Congratualtiona :-).

What IF? said...

You know, it's really hard to accomplish anything else in one's life while caring for - and breastfeeding - a 5-month old. The fact you're even attempting to do so is quite courageous.

Seriously, cut yourself some slack.

You're a new mom going through huge life transitions and external stress, you just had plugged ducts (impossible to focus on ANYTHING else aside from one's baby while that's going on), etc. etc.

You're painting, writing, letting go of your sanctuary... You are in the thick of it all, and yet able to capture your feelings with such depth and perspective, and so eloquently.

I applaud you for even trying to make the photo shoot. Don't sweat having to reschedule it. Just rock on, one step at a time.

You have just taught me to embrace the messmaking. I have always had a hard time with that, but seeing it as an essential ingredient... as deconstruction... is very helpful.

What IF?

Emily Erin said...

I love that last sentence. I find myself staring at my 9 week old for long periods of time-- sticking my tongue back out at her, talking to her and listening to her coos/gurgles/vocalizations in response, and I *SO* know what you are feeling. I think that all mothers feel this way, but it's even more wonderful when you're in the midst of the quagmire that you (and to a lesser extent me) are in-- to see someone who is so full of wonder and love and goodness makes me know that all will be right with the world... Hugs from here, and thanks for sharing your bright eyed, wonderful little person with us. She is lovely beyond measure, and I hope that very soon that is all that you have to focus on; how wonderful life with Doug and Ms. Della is.

PS-- sorry that I haven't commented in a few days, blogger was giving me all kinds of headaches.

Michele said...

she's gorgeous!

Queenie. . . said...

My daughter is 15 months, and I still could sit for hours and look at her. Every day, she feels like such a gift.

I had trouble with supply while breastfeeding, and found that fenugreek (something like 6 capsules a day, I think--it was more than was on the bottle) worked wonders for me. I used it periodically, as problems cropped up, and it really saved breastfeeding for me. I got it at GNC.

Anonymous said...

I found dr Jack Newman's APNO cream incredibly helpful http://www.drjacknewman.com/help/Candida-Protocol.asp

Also, golacta has really helpful to increase my supply.

St Elsewhere said...

By your words on it, you do sound so wiped.

Della is beautiful. There is no doubt about it....

Take it easy, if you can.

Elizabeth said...

Hey dear one, think of you daily. Happy, happy mother's day tomorrow, I hope it rocks, I know it will be full of love given and received. I add mine to the batch. Much love,