16 April 2011

paper airplanes

I just finished the second pile of paperwork for the house sale process, and I am feeling raw. So I am rewarding myself with you and chocolate chip cookies (gluten free but hey, still chocolate chip).

This makes my head feel swimmy. I hate going through the old papers, remembering how I felt when I bought the place. The fear and optimism.

here I am
fear and optimism.

So, on a happier note, a delightful networking meeting on Friday, heartening, heartwarming, hope-inspiring. No quick fixes, no one trying to save me, just knowing that a connection was made that matters.

Today was cold and windy, I wanted to play outside, in the garden, take a walk, MOVE but the cold kept me inside, and finally this afternoon I actually slept for a few hours.
I cannot tell you that I woke refreshed, that would be a blatant lie. I did not even feel better. But I feel better knowing I slept if that makes any sense.

The wind is still howling
but the pages are printed,
tomorrow they will be signed
and scanned
and sent
and somehow, this one step is just one more I do not have to take again.

I had sort of gotten paralyzed by this project, knowing it was going to suck. But somewhere I realized I could say "I don't know" and that was ok, that I was not going to get extra points finding obscure dates and facts for things that will likely be repeated (water testing for example).

Letting it go a little let me get on with it, and let me finish what I had to for now.

During my lunch meeting yesterday I relearned something important: when it is just me, I am willing to risk more, try more things, make messes, imagine things differently, but when I begin to worry about how I might be perceived, I freeze up, panic that my good will not be good enough. I am at my best when I am just being and am not playing stand-in third party critical observer at the same time. Obvious? Oh yeah, but what was not obvious is that I wear the third party critical observer like a parrot, like an angel, like a devil, like a weird sentient epaulet.

Tonight when I lie in bed trying to sleep, I will imagine the paperwork as kites, as maché, as paper airplanes, as peace cranes.


Emily Erin said...

So glad that you are done with that one step and you don't have to do it again-- I love the idea of peace cranes...

I am so glad that you had a wonderful and affirming experience making connections... may they bear fruit for you in whatever way the universe finds useful...

Thinking of you and sending butterfly kisses to Della and a reminder to CELEBRATE your anniversary in some wonderful way (regardless/in spite of the current yuck)... Wild to think that it's a been a whole year!

sprogblogger said...

Oh Kate, I'm so sorry you're in this dark place. It sounds like you're moving out of it, but it's still all around you, and that's hard - so very hard - and I wish for easier, happier things for you. And, yeah, I think they're coming & not too far off, but I want you to have them NOW. I, too, am glad you got some sleep. And I like the image of paper airplanes - it's a rather wonderful one. Thinking of you so much these days. (And would you believe my word verification word is "fling"?)