This makes my head feel swimmy. I hate going through the old papers, remembering how I felt when I bought the place. The fear and optimism.
here I am
fear and optimism.
So, on a happier note, a delightful networking meeting on Friday, heartening, heartwarming, hope-inspiring. No quick fixes, no one trying to save me, just knowing that a connection was made that matters.
Today was cold and windy, I wanted to play outside, in the garden, take a walk, MOVE but the cold kept me inside, and finally this afternoon I actually slept for a few hours.
I cannot tell you that I woke refreshed, that would be a blatant lie. I did not even feel better. But I feel better knowing I slept if that makes any sense.
The wind is still howling
but the pages are printed,
tomorrow they will be signed
and somehow, this one step is just one more I do not have to take again.
I had sort of gotten paralyzed by this project, knowing it was going to suck. But somewhere I realized I could say "I don't know" and that was ok, that I was not going to get extra points finding obscure dates and facts for things that will likely be repeated (water testing for example).
Letting it go a little let me get on with it, and let me finish what I had to for now.
During my lunch meeting yesterday I relearned something important: when it is just me, I am willing to risk more, try more things, make messes, imagine things differently, but when I begin to worry about how I might be perceived, I freeze up, panic that my good will not be good enough. I am at my best when I am just being and am not playing stand-in third party critical observer at the same time. Obvious? Oh yeah, but what was not obvious is that I wear the third party critical observer like a parrot, like an angel, like a devil, like a weird sentient epaulet.
Tonight when I lie in bed trying to sleep, I will imagine the paperwork as kites, as maché, as paper airplanes, as peace cranes.