21 March 2012

Dreamy dreams

Doug and I went out to dinner alone last night thanks to dearest Tammy who sat with Della.
We talked about many things, but one of them was this: how dreamy (as in dream-like) this reality with Della feels compared to when we were mired in all of the fertility treatments. For both of us, this feels a little un-real, like we might wake from it at any time.

Maybe it is the sleep deprivation; maybe it is because we tried for so long that it still is hard to believe it worked.

But it got me to thinking about the unfairness of some things: how we can so easily remember painful horrible shite, but then cannot quite recall feeling fine, or even pretty darned happy.  We're wired to protect ourselves against future pain by remembering past pain (avoid jungle, remember tiger/venomous snakes/fear-or-threat-of-choice)....
But wouldn't it be great if we could evolve into being able to recall the bliss just as easily.  Be able to revel in the happy, the ordinary, the everyday... with acute awareness that it is actually happening, without this edge-dulling dream-like weirdness.

My dreams are often more real than my waking these days, and that I find to be disturbing.

I cannot help but retroactively wish things had been different-- that I'd been able to sit back and totally groove on my pregnancy. But I didn't. I couldn't. I was too scared.  And now, with Della, how do I hone my consciousness to allow the reality of her to feel as real, more real, than The Quest?

I don't know. I guess I just wanted to say it out loud.

Regardless of dreaminess, with Della sometimes, when we are looking at one another, or when she squeals DADA and runs to the door... my heart just about bursts with love and with surprise that she is actually here, that she IS.

Oh, how lucky we are, dreamy or not.


Sprogblogger said...

Yes! How very very lucky we are! And it IS hard to stay present--harder than when things are horrible, sadly enough. If you find the answer, please let me know...

alyssa said...

really, the only people i know who are able to stay present are those who write books about doing so, or those who have different brain chemistry. consider yourself normal, kate. love you.

Emily Erin said...

So glad that this is your dream... And don't sweet toddlers just melt you!? Love that image of Della 'flying' across a room to get to Doug.

Kate said...

I love this post. Feel the same way too, especially now I've let myself back into the IF mindset while trying for #2. And knowing that I've only got 2 shots at it, and then the game's over.
Hopefully being mindful of this will help you to enjoy all the great stuff too.