We got a lot of snow here in Peterborough, New Hampshire. We had almost 10" by this morning, and it snowed all day. This is not like the giant snows of my childhood, but it is the biggest snow by far this winter.
The last snow we had like this was in October.
I picked Della up at daycare today, and as I drove down the slippery streets, I realized that I never approach anything else like I do driving in snow.
In snow, you get a little stuck, you rock the car. You get pushed out. Or towed.
You stop at a stop sign or light, you can start up in second, a little lower RPMs, a little less likely to slip...
If there's a ridge, you can back up and then shoot over/through it with the power of momentum...
When I am driving in snow, I just do these things. I don't think OBSTACLE, GOD/GODDESS/ALL-THAT-IS MUST NOT WANT ME TO DO THIS, or I FAILED, or I SUCK, or I KNEW IT/I DESERVE STRUGGLE.
No, I just drive and it is really pretty peaceful as long as I am not out of control, can still brake, and am not in any danger.
So there I was, rocking the car a bit to get unstuck, starting up in second, backing up to make it over a hump and I realized just how much I need to channel this rather matter of fact kate into this much more quick to assume I'm incompetent kate.
And for a while I felt pretty smug about my realization.
Then tonight, Della had a tantrum that had her crying so hard she threw up on Doug and I was right back to the I SUCK part of the program.
She's fine, sleeping now, was lovely afterwards. I do not know the actual trigger, it was baffling. Just suddenly there, full blown, boneless baby flinging herself and crying so hard it was scary. All I could do was corral her into a safe area while she flailed. It sucked.
It is times like these that I feel starved for a WHY. Just so I can understand what happened.
But, there is no why that I can understand. We are still learning to speak the same language. I have to be ok with not knowing. Or be not ok, it does not change the not knowing.
You can bet I'll be visiting the helpful links that folks shared last time I confessed that the potential for the dreaded tantrum is apparently now something I need to be mindful of... I'm a pretty tender person, this takes real strength that I need to foster from somewhere, dig deep, do this thing. I have to admit, I really, really wanted to get off easy.