11 March 2012

sickness and vanity

Poor Della is sick again, this time with a fever, snot, and juicy cough.  It feels as if we have been sick in some form since September.  I know it is typical for daycare folks to experience this. And if we did not experience it now, I imagine we would when *school* started,  but I am feeling pretty beaten down by the perpetual nature of the sick. Poor Della. So much snot. Holy moly.
Bad sleep several nights in a row, almost as if she cannot stay still, and moans/cries/flails from frustration/exhaustion. But during the day, she is better. Today she woke from an unanticipated morning nap (prefaced by a half hour of unending crying) rejuvenated into a total powerhouse and delight.
But me? my ass is dragging, even after several hours of gift sleep this morning thanks to Doug.
And Doug? He is now asleep under Della for the afternoon nap.

We missed our first birthday party today. A lovely invite from one of Della's classmates. It was to be today, at a kid's gym about an hour away. I wrote last night to cancel, and the day opened up as a result. I was able to finish gathering the tax stuff from our transition filled year (holy crap) and stuffed it in an envelope for our tax guy. I was able to follow up with emails for a bunch of potential clients for one of my current bosses. And I was able to sit and have lunch with Doug and Della AT THE TABLE which was insane, since as of two days ago, there was no table top visible. I cleaned hoping to see my mom yesterday (also canceled due to The Sick). I was able to put the bathing suit that needs to be returned in the envelope thingy and fill out the return form and stick the overpriced pre-paid sticker on the outside and tape it up.

Ahh yes, the bathing suit.
The bathing suit which is also insanely overpriced a quest I am forever in the midst of-- a suit that suits my body in this inbetween place of middle age plus post-baby still nursing desk jobs... good lord. The bathing suit that would indeed be insanely cute on a pregnant body, but not on a body that just looks that way. And although I have no butt to balance my front, it does seem to have melted and slid down about 6" from where it used to be. The curple has fallen to mid-thigh, what the hell? WHO INVENTED GRAVITY ANYWAY and why did they not include life long elasticity of tissue in their miracle invention list? a butt that stays put?
It's been a tough few months body-image-wise for me.  Pilates makes me feel long and lean and taut, but in reality I am none of those things. I am kate shaped. it is not awful but for some reason I go through periods of time where I can hardly stand it.  And right now I am mostly in the midst of one of those seasons of ug. of ooph. of geez.

My sister wisely says that no one should look too closely at their own legs in february in the northern hemisphere. She's right, of course.
And since I am a very spotted but nearly translucent whitewhiteperson, I can see the blue tracery of my vein-age and lord, it is not pretty.  Also, the spots? what the heck, age spots?  dime sized freckled colored spots that are suddenly there and there and there and there and there?

I think I am in hormonal flux too--

So about the bathing suit
it is a familiar quest- and one that invariably ends badly.
last year I got a suit for camp (soon, we will be back in the summer schedule of Doug away, remember that whole thing? gah) that was *fine* but too big by the time summer came.
this time I figured my shape is less in flux, so I'd try to get something again--- I chose one, it came.  it's the right size, cute print, and truly vastly horrible on me, horrible horrible horrible.
I might give up.
No, I won't. I know me better than that. It is too symbolic. I will try to find a suit with something akin to obsessiveness, and make myself feel like shit in the process. An annual ritual combining vanity and self-disgust.

Sometimes it is easier to focus on something like this, even with symbolism and self-loathing, than to deal with thorny issues of work identity and the looming summer logistical nightmare of single parenthood and how will I possibly do it?

Don't worry
all will be fine.  A suit will happen or it won't. I'll be fine either way. I only swam once last year anyway.
and pilates is making me stronger no matter if it shows or not. and I love it with a passion that is a little weird.
and about summer. It will happen. it will be fine. time will pass. fall will come.  we will figure it out. it is just very very hard.

ok then!
Thanks for listening.


B. said...

Ugh... swimsuits are AWFUL! Even the maternity one I wore most recently was ghastly, but I figured since I was pregnant I could get away with it. My norm is a pair of men's swim trunks and the top of a tankini, but I don't know what I'll do that's nursing-compatible this year. The last suit I bought that I actually liked was uber-pricey, but "custom" made from exelntdesigns.com. I'd plan on wearing it this year, too, but there's no boob access. Maybe a halter...

Good luck. It's a losing battle for all of us. You are NOT alone.

Elizabeth said...

Ugh -- I remember the Year of Sick when Liam started daycare. It was awful, just awful. Ear infection after ear infection; all snot and Not Sleeping; all the time. We bought a humidifier. I remember Will being sure it was going to spew germs, but I got a boiling water kind (dangerous) with some kind of UV germ killing light bulb. I think it helped.

You are a much stronger person than me if you can get yourself out in public (or anywhere) in a swim suit. I haven't owned one since, Oh-I-don-know, 1997? And, I love pilates; love it only second to rowing as exercise goes -- so glad to hear you are making the time.

Tonight Liam wanted me to explain earthquakes to him (where would we go--upstairs: bottom bunk of his bunk bed; downstairs: under the kitchen table, away from the window.) Last week it was moonlight (full moon). I much preferred the moonlight discussion.


alyssa said...

one word about suits: swimdress.

lands end, athleta, both have them. if you had the boobage i had last summer i'd send you mine because it was for ladies with extra boobage.


Jem said...

Costco actually has decent (modest) speedo suits that aren't too horrible.

Unknown said...

I'm glad to hear I am not the only one who has a child who has been constantly sick this year. She doesn't seem to go more than week without catching something new but thankfully it hasn't bothered her too much even though I am over it.

As for the swimsuit, I pretty much only buy from Land's End or Eddie Bauer and only the ones with some sort of miracle spanx in it! But they are honestly so well made I have worn them for 3 years with constant summer swimming so they are worth the price.

What IF? said...

Ugh, I so hear you on the swimsuit struggles. It is hard finding anything post-baby. I'm not even trying right now because it's too depressing...!

I hope you figure things out for the summer so you don't have to go it completely alone. May Della be healthy very soon so you can get more restful night sleep.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I think that you would look totally cool in a surfer look with boy shorts too. I'm hoping that maybe post diet I can get something that doesn't make me look so droopy.

Rebecca said...

I am so in this same bad place right now with my body. My baby is now 3 though, so I have no excuse other than no time (with 2 others and a fulltime job). I'm the yuckiest I've ever been in my 43 years. I grew up on the beach wearing tiny bikinis and always said to myself "I will never wear those "mom" swimsuits, never!" Yeah. Right.

I agree with the Lands End suggestion. They have one-pieces (even short torsos!) that have spanx stuff in the midsection. That helps. I got black. Plain. And they have the skirt bottoms that look kind of cute. I've had the Athleta suit separates but just don't find that they are the quality I like and they don't seem to have enough boobage support.

Good luck. It's just such a sucky thing to deal with.

Emily Erin said...

I, too, was going to chime in that 1. we all struggle to love our bodies, so don't feel alone and 2. Lands End swim minis are awesome, and I always pair it with a halterish type top and just pop a boob out when I need to.

I'm sorry about the year of the sick, but I feel like most daycare families have to deal with it as crappy as it is. Hugs from here and lots of the good kind of Kleenex.