Poor Della is sick again, this time with a fever, snot, and juicy cough. It feels as if we have been sick in some form since September. I know it is typical for daycare folks to experience this. And if we did not experience it now, I imagine we would when *school* started, but I am feeling pretty beaten down by the perpetual nature of the sick. Poor Della. So much snot. Holy moly.
Bad sleep several nights in a row, almost as if she cannot stay still, and moans/cries/flails from frustration/exhaustion. But during the day, she is better. Today she woke from an unanticipated morning nap (prefaced by a half hour of unending crying) rejuvenated into a total powerhouse and delight.
But me? my ass is dragging, even after several hours of gift sleep this morning thanks to Doug.
And Doug? He is now asleep under Della for the afternoon nap.
We missed our first birthday party today. A lovely invite from one of Della's classmates. It was to be today, at a kid's gym about an hour away. I wrote last night to cancel, and the day opened up as a result. I was able to finish gathering the tax stuff from our transition filled year (holy crap) and stuffed it in an envelope for our tax guy. I was able to follow up with emails for a bunch of potential clients for one of my current bosses. And I was able to sit and have lunch with Doug and Della AT THE TABLE which was insane, since as of two days ago, there was no table top visible. I cleaned hoping to see my mom yesterday (also canceled due to The Sick). I was able to put the bathing suit that needs to be returned in the envelope thingy and fill out the return form and stick the overpriced pre-paid sticker on the outside and tape it up.
Ahh yes, the bathing suit.
The bathing suit which is also insanely overpriced a quest I am forever in the midst of-- a suit that suits my body in this inbetween place of middle age plus post-baby still nursing desk jobs... good lord. The bathing suit that would indeed be insanely cute on a pregnant body, but not on a body that just looks that way. And although I have no butt to balance my front, it does seem to have melted and slid down about 6" from where it used to be. The curple has fallen to mid-thigh, what the hell? WHO INVENTED GRAVITY ANYWAY and why did they not include life long elasticity of tissue in their miracle invention list? a butt that stays put?
It's been a tough few months body-image-wise for me. Pilates makes me feel long and lean and taut, but in reality I am none of those things. I am kate shaped. it is not awful but for some reason I go through periods of time where I can hardly stand it. And right now I am mostly in the midst of one of those seasons of ug. of ooph. of geez.
My sister wisely says that no one should look too closely at their own legs in february in the northern hemisphere. She's right, of course.
And since I am a very spotted but nearly translucent whitewhiteperson, I can see the blue tracery of my vein-age and lord, it is not pretty. Also, the spots? what the heck, age spots? dime sized freckled colored spots that are suddenly there and there and there and there and there?
I think I am in hormonal flux too--
So about the bathing suit
it is a familiar quest- and one that invariably ends badly.
last year I got a suit for camp (soon, we will be back in the summer schedule of Doug away, remember that whole thing? gah) that was *fine* but too big by the time summer came.
this time I figured my shape is less in flux, so I'd try to get something again--- I chose one, it came. it's the right size, cute print, and truly vastly horrible on me, horrible horrible horrible.
I might give up.
No, I won't. I know me better than that. It is too symbolic. I will try to find a suit with something akin to obsessiveness, and make myself feel like shit in the process. An annual ritual combining vanity and self-disgust.
Sometimes it is easier to focus on something like this, even with symbolism and self-loathing, than to deal with thorny issues of work identity and the looming summer logistical nightmare of single parenthood and how will I possibly do it?
all will be fine. A suit will happen or it won't. I'll be fine either way. I only swam once last year anyway.
and pilates is making me stronger no matter if it shows or not. and I love it with a passion that is a little weird.
and about summer. It will happen. it will be fine. time will pass. fall will come. we will figure it out. it is just very very hard.
Thanks for listening.