more than 16 and a half months

Dearest Della,
You are more than 16 and a half months old.
Your language skills are insane.  Your comprehension is vast-- you know exactly what I am saying and what I mean most of the time.
You are saying new words every day and often wake up and practice some of your favorites.

Elbow!
Rishe! (rice)

I say, can you say cow? and you say, Moo! (and you laugh, because you know you are not saying cow)
I say, can you say frog? and you say, Hop!
I say, can you say bunny rabbit? and you say Hop!
I say, can you say snake? and you hiss.
I say, can you say lion? and you roar.

And it is so fun to watch and experience you learning so fast. Connections and nuance. Amazing amazing.  You are ferocious when thwarted, and have the saddest sad face when you cry.  You have new teeth in the bottom, so now a full row back to molars.  And your upper fangs are on their way in.

You love standing on wobbly things.
You love swinging.
You shriek with laughter on the slide on me, or the lower part by yourself for a moment before I catch you.

You've discovered dirt and sand.
You love puddles.
You love foot scraper welcome mats.
You love flinging food when you're done and I missed your cues.
You say POOP and IPEE when you've done either. You're rarely wrong. (We have a new potty just in case you feel so inclined.)

You wake up in the middle of the night, 3 nowdays, and are awake for an hour, dazzlingly awake.  Meow? You ask me where the cat is. You say Hi. You say DADA! And you say Boop to nurse.

We are nursing less and my pump is gone to a new and happy home.
I often feel full and wish we would nurse more but also know that the transition is going to need to go the other way. I miss the good parts but I am trying to enjoy the freedom of being able to be away for most of the day without pumping or leaking through my clothes and pads, and without being too uncomfortable.

I miss your littler self, but I am loving your bigger self. Bigger and bigger, all smiles and delightfulness.
You sang along with me this morning in the car.  Baa Baa added to my black sheep--

Up now means up and down again, the down is mysteriously missing.
You say Yeah! Yeah yeah yeah. Instead of yes.
And you've started to say No.

You do better with warning before we do things-- and sometimes things that were sucking are easier.
Diaper changes are often harmonious.

Your silky soft downy hair is getting more like a real person's, with wonderful curls that sproing, very long when stretched, very tight after a shampoo, very much like Lyle lovett apres hat.

You hate baths, but have started to stand by the baby bathtub while we wash you. Easier than before when you had to be held.

We all still sleep together because really, at this point, we don't have any good or easy alternatives. And I keep being scared about being too far away.
I think that there is PTSD inherent in post-lost parenting, at least there is in mine. I try to pretend it is not true, but I spend time feeling you breathe, and really, when I am holding you is when I feel most safe.  I know we will all grow out of this, gently, I hope.

Soon you'll be moving to the toddler room at daycare.  They are big in there, and noisy, and pushy, and active. A total change from the baby room.  I wonder how that will go. It will happen just about the same time Doug goes to Maine for the summer.  I wonder how that will go too. You are so much more aware, I wonder how we will all handle the transition.

You're growing so fast, I just wish time would slow down please.
I keep saying I will remember forever this moment, how you look, how you smell, how you feel cuddled up next to me, but then, the next moment comes.

I love you so much there must be other dimensions, otherwise we would all be squished flat.

I'm just sayin'.