a worry vacation

So last night I decided that today I'm taking a day off from worry, a mini worry vacation if you will. I can worry again tomorrow. It will still be there, I know.


(image by D Sharon Pruitt)

today's beta was good

In fact, it was a very lovely 2904 (22dpo/dpIUI)
PHEW
Now I can breathe. My heart was beating SO FAST as I waited for Sharon to tell me the number that I realized I was really worried. Not just obliquely. So this is good. Good. Good. Will go make some (decaf) tea and try to calm the fucQ down. This is so much not an intellectual exercise. I keep thinking there must be some way to override my panic with reason.

Ha. Not so much.

But while I was waiting and panicking quietly here in my cube, I learned something from flailing about on the internet that I wish to share-- a small peace offering to the side of reason.

This is from Conceiving concepts (and other places too):

"As your pregnancy progresses, levels rise and that doubling time increases. The expected doubling time for HCG levels:

• Under 1200 mIU/ml: 48-72 hours.
• Between 1200 to 6000 mIU/ml: 72-96 hours.
• Over 6000 mIU/ml: more than 96 hours"

Good to know.

But this, my friends, is my last beta-- at least for now. Next stop: the ultrasound a week away.

Thank you for your kind words and your support while I freak out.

neurotiKate

My wee little symptoms have waned a bit these past few days, except for the impressive exhaustion and my sore breasts if I poke them enough... and I found myself worried in spite of what I know. I re-read the wonderful a beautiful day post for reassurance, and while it helped some on an intellectual basis, I still felt like it was meant for someone other than me. I could not shake this low level sense that things might not be going well. Scared that maybe I am not *actually* pregnant or that it is failing.

In my previous life, I would take this mood on a hike- but since that's not allowed,  I did some yard work and work in the garden, and made great progress out there. But I got really really tired even though I was being pretty careful. And when I realized I needed to stop, it was more because I was watching myself and said- if I were a friend of mine, what I would I say? 

I came inside and changed our of my dirty clothes and lay very still on the sofa for a few hours, not sleeping, just staying very still-- feeling almost paralyzed by the heaviness of the exhaustion and the mood. Not exactly sad. Not exactly bereft. More like deeply disheartened. 

I finally started feeling better after a long while, but it was a doozy. 

Tonight I am feeling more like myself again. I have another blood test tomorrow. I am obviously hoping for some good news.  Maybe that will help allay my fears some. Or maybe this is just part of the hormone hootenanny. I am not sure but I am sure I don't like it. 

In an attempt to save myself and remind myself of my highest and best (or at least my ability to fake it), I am adding a wonderful button from the amazingly talented and oh-so-very-honest swirlygirl both in this post and on my sidebar.

On a separate note, anyone else find it bizarre that one's week of pregnancy is counted from the date of last missed period?  So, even though I am just about 3 weeks pregnant in real life (3 weeks tomorrow) the universe says 5 weeks.  If you look up early embryo development stuff, it starts with week 1, "you have your period". Um. Ok. So with this time travel technique, this means my ultrasound next monday (should-we-be-so-lucky)- is the first day of week 6.  HOLY SHIT. I hope this works.

offerings

So there I was, happyish on the one hand from my hcg level, but spiraling in neurotic worry on the other at the slower doubling, and onwardsandsideways sent THE BEST LINK for those of us who find ourselves quite suddenly on the other side of the fence.

A beautiful day posted this way back in 2004- debunking some of the myths that hold us captive in a state of panic-- including some gems on symptoms and hcg levels. So, for you folks out there who are suddenly finding all sorts of new things to worry about (I'm talking to you sprogblogger)- this might really help-- it sure talked me down last night and I felt MUCH better after reading it.

Another thing I wanted to talk about is my amazing pharmacy- Ascend up in Portland Maine. They ship everywhere folks, and have the best customer service ever. How good is their service? Well when I called to re-up my progresterone suppository supply (yay, more on this in a minute)- I mentioned that I was now pregnant (gulp) and perhaps that meant that my insurance might now cover it at least a little. They said they'd ask and called back soon after with the news that not only was it covered quite a lot (50$ copay)- but it seems they had been given incorrect information about my coverage when I was getting my IVF meds and that they (Ascend) were going to try to see if anything else I had purchased at full price might also be covered. Yesterday they left a gleeful message for me to call. I did. It seems that through their perseverance, they discovered that I indeed did have some prescription coverage and that it did cover some of the drug costs and that -- get this-- they had not only finally wrangled this information from my insurance company, but due to their dogged investigation, the company already paid the claims and I had $4000 or so waiting to be refunded.

Um. HOLY SHIT?? That certainly takes a meaningful bite out of the monstrous IVFdebt.

I am serious, I cannot say enough about this pharmacy and their amazing customer service.

Ok, on to the progesterone suppositories. As you know, I hate them. They hate me. My skin was pissed off, raw, hurting. I came up with an initial plan that helped. I cannot do usual pantiliners, they make me more raw and more sore. So I got some gladrags cotton panty shields-- they are expensive as all get out but washable, snap around the crotch of your panties, are soft and thick enough to matter, and built to last until the next century. They also don't end up in the landfill. But then, having made this discovery that helped me manage the horribleness a mite better, Sharon, my super nurse, suggested I try an alternative, well, really, the only alternative- yes, folks--rectal insertion. (I hate to think of the web traffic I'll get now)-- but really, I was so desperate that I tried it. One small bit of vasoline, a moment of thinking of england, and voila. No lying down for half an hour, no persistent goop, no leakage or seepage or pissed off skin, no nothing but that one weird (!) moment and some very interesting bowel activity.

So, we will not speak of that again.

976

The beta results came early today-- 976. Doubling rate is slowing and I am trying not to get neurotic about that. All still fine and normal and my amazing nurse is still happy so I need to try to calm down.

We'll do it again on monday.

I swear this is so incredibly nerve wracking.

surfacing

Gosh, I don't read for a few days and what do I find? Onwardandsideways is pregnant! How cool is that! She has a shitty cycle experience at one of the big clinics and it seems to have worked in spite of all of that!

So, I am surfacing to say that I've got another beta tomorrow- keeping my fingers crossed that my newly sore nipples (sorry David) and my twingey uterus are good signs. And good lord I am tired. And this afternoon I was so hungry I could have gnawed my own leg. Then later, my mouth filled with saliva so fast, in a kate-bouche-font way if you will, completely unbiddden.. and I realized, oh yeah, at least in this moment things are different.

I was so sure that I'd dreamed all of this I did pee on a stick on tuesday, but then refrained yesterday (I think a good beta was enough) and have not done it today. So maybe these little twinges and changes and awarenesses are enough to have me thinking that something just may be happening in there.

But to be honest I can't quite believe it. I keep re-discovering it-- and it does not feel real at all. It feels dreamy and distant.  I know that this is sometimes how I cope- with a little distance, off and to the left and back a little. But I want to be present for this. I want to wallow in the wonder of it.  Wonder and I are well acquainted.  And I do have some moments of WHOA... and I hold my hand over my belly and just marvel at what must be happening in there. I am so used to doing-- injecting, planning, mixing, getting scanned, making appointments, driving... as I was commenting on some blogs tonight I realized that I suck at just being. Shouldn't I be doing something? Um... apparently not.

I spit in the face of the devil today, I released our appointment slot with CCRM that was for next week-- but I also asked the kind person there to keep our records just in case. She said she would. Yup, sure am. Hedging my bets.

doubling

I just got the call: my beta today was 568. Fine doubling. They even scheduled the ultrasound for Monday April 13th. (WHICH SEEMS LIKE A LONG TIME FROM NOW)-- Good lord, every little twinge in my lower left quadrant makes me worry it is lodged in my wonky tube (very twisty) and that scares me badly and I cannot wait to find out that "it" is in a fine place so I can stop panicking about that particular thing.
BUT for now I will try not to panic, and instead revel in the good news of the day.