crampy question

Yesterday's worry "vacation" was divine. I highly recommend it. I did pretty well. A few moments of whatiffing, but mostly, I did just fine. And I was right, everything I worry about was right where I'd left it. I thought maybe it would run off, but no.

So I have a question/concern- (trying not to use the word worry)
I have been crampy on and off since soon after my unexpected positive and I am just wondering about whether this plagues the rest of the world. A quick search on Dr Google freaked me out so I've given up on that. It is worse at night-- calmer during the day. Sometimes it wakes me like the past two nights. There is no spotting at all (thankfully!), but it is at the level where it feels just like period cramps, the kind I would take something for. Insight anyone?

I am sleeping so lightly it seems that anything can wake me and then I lie awake for hours. When I do sleep, my dreams are filled with crazy and complex scenarios. Sometimes it feels like I am focused on old loves, as if I am cleaning out the file cabinets.

I know all of this is normal to some degree. My body is adjusting to my new sprout. In general I think I'm ok-- feeling a little bit low (maybe just tired + fragile), but I admit (timedly) that I am also starting to feel cautiously optimistic. Monday's number was such an immense relief.
And this past week and a half seems like a month and a half-- so much happening! Phew. I find myself fantasizing about the weekend and being able to sleep late and nap.

Sweet commenting Susan, do you have a blog address?

today's beta was good

In fact, it was a very lovely 2904 (22dpo/dpIUI)
PHEW
Now I can breathe. My heart was beating SO FAST as I waited for Sharon to tell me the number that I realized I was really worried. Not just obliquely. So this is good. Good. Good. Will go make some (decaf) tea and try to calm the fucQ down. This is so much not an intellectual exercise. I keep thinking there must be some way to override my panic with reason.

Ha. Not so much.

But while I was waiting and panicking quietly here in my cube, I learned something from flailing about on the internet that I wish to share-- a small peace offering to the side of reason.

This is from Conceiving concepts (and other places too):

"As your pregnancy progresses, levels rise and that doubling time increases. The expected doubling time for HCG levels:

• Under 1200 mIU/ml: 48-72 hours.
• Between 1200 to 6000 mIU/ml: 72-96 hours.
• Over 6000 mIU/ml: more than 96 hours"

Good to know.

But this, my friends, is my last beta-- at least for now. Next stop: the ultrasound a week away.

Thank you for your kind words and your support while I freak out.

neurotiKate

My wee little symptoms have waned a bit these past few days, except for the impressive exhaustion and my sore breasts if I poke them enough... and I found myself worried in spite of what I know. I re-read the wonderful a beautiful day post for reassurance, and while it helped some on an intellectual basis, I still felt like it was meant for someone other than me. I could not shake this low level sense that things might not be going well. Scared that maybe I am not *actually* pregnant or that it is failing.

In my previous life, I would take this mood on a hike- but since that's not allowed,  I did some yard work and work in the garden, and made great progress out there. But I got really really tired even though I was being pretty careful. And when I realized I needed to stop, it was more because I was watching myself and said- if I were a friend of mine, what I would I say? 

I came inside and changed our of my dirty clothes and lay very still on the sofa for a few hours, not sleeping, just staying very still-- feeling almost paralyzed by the heaviness of the exhaustion and the mood. Not exactly sad. Not exactly bereft. More like deeply disheartened. 

I finally started feeling better after a long while, but it was a doozy. 

Tonight I am feeling more like myself again. I have another blood test tomorrow. I am obviously hoping for some good news.  Maybe that will help allay my fears some. Or maybe this is just part of the hormone hootenanny. I am not sure but I am sure I don't like it. 

In an attempt to save myself and remind myself of my highest and best (or at least my ability to fake it), I am adding a wonderful button from the amazingly talented and oh-so-very-honest swirlygirl both in this post and on my sidebar.

On a separate note, anyone else find it bizarre that one's week of pregnancy is counted from the date of last missed period?  So, even though I am just about 3 weeks pregnant in real life (3 weeks tomorrow) the universe says 5 weeks.  If you look up early embryo development stuff, it starts with week 1, "you have your period". Um. Ok. So with this time travel technique, this means my ultrasound next monday (should-we-be-so-lucky)- is the first day of week 6.  HOLY SHIT. I hope this works.

976

The beta results came early today-- 976. Doubling rate is slowing and I am trying not to get neurotic about that. All still fine and normal and my amazing nurse is still happy so I need to try to calm down.

We'll do it again on monday.

I swear this is so incredibly nerve wracking.

surfacing

Gosh, I don't read for a few days and what do I find? Onwardandsideways is pregnant! How cool is that! She has a shitty cycle experience at one of the big clinics and it seems to have worked in spite of all of that!

So, I am surfacing to say that I've got another beta tomorrow- keeping my fingers crossed that my newly sore nipples (sorry David) and my twingey uterus are good signs. And good lord I am tired. And this afternoon I was so hungry I could have gnawed my own leg. Then later, my mouth filled with saliva so fast, in a kate-bouche-font way if you will, completely unbiddden.. and I realized, oh yeah, at least in this moment things are different.

I was so sure that I'd dreamed all of this I did pee on a stick on tuesday, but then refrained yesterday (I think a good beta was enough) and have not done it today. So maybe these little twinges and changes and awarenesses are enough to have me thinking that something just may be happening in there.

But to be honest I can't quite believe it. I keep re-discovering it-- and it does not feel real at all. It feels dreamy and distant.  I know that this is sometimes how I cope- with a little distance, off and to the left and back a little. But I want to be present for this. I want to wallow in the wonder of it.  Wonder and I are well acquainted.  And I do have some moments of WHOA... and I hold my hand over my belly and just marvel at what must be happening in there. I am so used to doing-- injecting, planning, mixing, getting scanned, making appointments, driving... as I was commenting on some blogs tonight I realized that I suck at just being. Shouldn't I be doing something? Um... apparently not.

I spit in the face of the devil today, I released our appointment slot with CCRM that was for next week-- but I also asked the kind person there to keep our records just in case. She said she would. Yup, sure am. Hedging my bets.

doubling

I just got the call: my beta today was 568. Fine doubling. They even scheduled the ultrasound for Monday April 13th. (WHICH SEEMS LIKE A LONG TIME FROM NOW)-- Good lord, every little twinge in my lower left quadrant makes me worry it is lodged in my wonky tube (very twisty) and that scares me badly and I cannot wait to find out that "it" is in a fine place so I can stop panicking about that particular thing.
BUT for now I will try not to panic, and instead revel in the good news of the day.

269

Just got my results from today's surprise blood test:
BETA 269
"A really good number" they say.
Holy shit folks, this means I am most definitely pregnant.
(The IF in me hastens to add, I mean, in this moment)

HOLY SHIT
did I mention-- holy shit? no?
I am completely stunned.
The folks up at Dartmouth whooped and hollered.
I cannot think of a nicer thing to hear than that. Last time they saw me I was in tears.
So
This? this is good.

My next beta is wednesday. Then, if all goes well, again on friday. Then maybe next friday (10th) or the following monday (13th) we'll do a scan to see where things are. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Damn this IF/IVF/ART hootenany for stealing my ignorant bliss.

This is the crazy kind of happy. The kind of happy even when you know better. Please let me be right.

HOLY SHIT

I was away overnight at my sister's house and got home just a little while ago. And I tested when I got home, you know, just because.

The first line came up as it always does. And then, to my COMPLETE surprise, there was a second one.A second line, faint at first (in the photo) then darker and definite.

So it appears that in spite of all of the odds against it, that in this moment, this very moment, I am pregnant.

HOLY SHIT.

One line

It is not positive yet, which is my way of nicely avoiding saying it is negative.
One line.
Tried two tests because I am kate-- same clear result. I will test again sunday (when it will be 14 days past IUI and therefore, theoretically 14 days past ovulation), but without even a ghost of a line today, I feel it is unlikely (unless I ovulated several days past IUI which seems crazy). But, as always, I will play this out since it really is not entirely over yet.

I am sad but trying not to be consumed. In many ways I really am ok so far. Really. In all of this shit that has been this cycle, one great thing has happened: I feel connected to the maybe. I am not sure where that maybe is, or when or how we will meet, but I think it will happen. (Thanks Elma! Thanks self!)

I lay in bed afterwards for my post-progesterone suppository lie-in, and put my hands on my belly and just breathed. I tried to focus on being thankful- thankful to my body for taking all the abuse this month, the injections, the hormones, the rummaging and searching and scoping, the soreness... and also for the successes, 4 follicles is better than none. And with the doc conversation happening in April, we have a while before we jump back in to needles and whathaveyou... So here's a positive thing: If I am not pregnant, I can stop these fucQing suppositories. I could almost feel gleeful about that. But not quite.

twingy kate

Just stopping in to say hello. I need to take time to really write but have been getting home late. I wanted to say thank you-- thank you all for your support and advice.
We'll test tomorrow morning I think. 12dpo. I think that is ok, splits the difference. Allows me not to be alone. But I also need to admit that I like the possibility of not knowing-- of course, if it is negative, I realize it is early enough to not be definitive- but having it be neither leaves it open to the possibility that it might be positive. I can imagine that those twinges and little pulling sensations might mean something. Hope is a bitch. Really.

All records sent to CCRM. So we are all set up for that. Another energy session with Elma this evening. It just feels right to do. And then... either I'll test tomorrow or I'll chicken out. I'll let you know how it goes.

And the post I want to write about my long ago introduction to blogs? That just needs to wait for the moment.

wondering

So it has been one whole week since the IUI. I confess, I do search my insides for evidence-- a twinge here, a small pulling, a bump over a frost heave that leaves my breasts sore-- and I am wondering of course, what the hell is happening in there.

On saturday I spoke out loud to the little maybe, I said, I know you are probably waiting for me to be less divided about a lot of things, but since that is never actually going to happen, since that is just the way I am-- just know I am ready when you are.

And you know what? In that moment I felt more peaceful. Like I had extended an unambiguous invitation to stick around.

Of course, then there are those other times when I spiral around in a quagmire of whatifs and whatabouts and whatthehells and whynots and whys and all the bullshit that comes from feeling broken and out of time and 

wishing I had a decade left to play with. But then I know I would not be me, this me, this one who imagines she can parent even if she knows she will be making it all up moment by moment.  The younger kate would have wanted to know what to do, would have wanted to be confident in her skills and sure of her potential appropriateness as a parent before even thinking about becoming one and she would not have been able to achieve any of that. This kate, this older one, knows better. Knows that the best we can do is the best we can do.

Some days that is getting dressed. Somedays that is creating a masterpiece. Somedays it is tuning into wonder or awe or beauty. Somedays it is digging a sliver out of your foot.

So today, I am trying not to be crazy, and it is working about 70 percent of the time give or take. My mind has been all tied up with getting med records and assembling a summary sheet of our journey thus far based on what I remember. Gosh, last year seems like a long, long time ago. Was it really last summer we tried IUIs with the evil clomid?  And since I worked through 3 sites, and their records are not integrated, I had one good experience and two bad ones. Not even sure I succeeded with my faxing and requesting. But we'll see.

I still hate the progesterone. My skin is so pissed off. Vaseline is my friend. As will be shout for all my stained everythings and underthings- and each day is each day. When do I test folks, day what? Or do I just wait to see if my period arrives? I did a baseline to see if the hCG was out of my system and it was.  (Of course, with my system was it even in it?)  Advice is welcome. They do not do a beta on IUIs, just want me test the old fashioned way.  Loving the dollar store tests except for the packaging.

Ok maybe next post I will write about my introduction to blogs.  My long ago and faraway introduction that now seems so friggin ironic.  We'll get to that, maybe tomorrow.

spring

Today is the first day of spring I think. Sunshine is pouring in and I can see all of the dust and cat and kate hair that have escaped my usually-home-in-the-dark swiffering.  I am happy to say my flu thingy is abating, leaving me pooped out, but much improved-- nothing aches but the raw skin under my nose.  I am so glad the bug did not stick around for the full 5-7-10 days that these things can take. I actually feel human.  Wish I had enough umph to hike since my soul could sure use it, but I don't.  But since it is nearly 40 (and around these parts that counts as warm) I may play in the exposed part of my garden (remove the dead things so the new growth can come up, feng shui and all that). The vast majority of my cleared spaces are still snow covered-- and not lightly either-- 2' in the back yard still, and huge piles around the edges of the front from the plow.  The ice storm damage is amazing -- as the snow pulls back, it is getting much more obvious just how many branches fell and the woods all around here are filled with broken bits and dangling branches, bright new wood where branches broke off.  A local forester said that even though we tend to look at this as bad- this kind of wreckage, this kind of loss is really critical to forest health-- both in terms of the lifecycle of trees and the forest itself, and in terms of wildlife habitat.  So while I think it looks awful, and all I can see is how much work it will take to restore any sense of order -it is an opportunity for new things to grow.

Not meaning to jinx anything IUIish (I am not quite halfway through the two week wait), I went ahead and made a phone appointment with CCRM for the second week of April (their earliest if I wanted to speak with Dr. Schoolcraft himself).  I am needing to get my shit together and fill out paperwork and contact doctors-- I need to identify someone local who would help me coordinate my testing/monitoring and also take me through the first 12 weeks should I be so lucky. I want to ask my maternal and fetal medicine guy if I can use him for this. We had great rapport, he did not blow sunshine up my skirt, but he did make me feel safe and in good hands. So, I think I will ask him first. The drive sure would be shorter (1 hour instead of 2-- yes, I live in the sticks).

So much great news out there with the women I have been cycling with and around-- and some sad and difficult news too.  Sweet and generous hearted Joannah could use some love after some shitty beta news.  And Mo could use some love and support since a recent rash of negative pee sticks are sapping the hope out of her cycle.

I just wish this would be easier for all of us. I used to have this funny idea about fertility, back in the days where it was something to avoid rather than pay for-- that is should be more like nuclear send codes-- that two operatives would need to turn two keys simultaneously while muttering some voodoo code words in order to even activate the process.  Now I realize that it would be great if only it were so easy.

flu-zy

Oh yes my internet friends--on the topic of the progesterone suppositories I so agree- I absolutely hate the persistent gloop of it. The "how can something so small produce so much stuff?" part of it. The stain through a pantyshield, underwear AND pants part of it. And, well, in the spirit of trying to find the positive, I am counting my blessings so far that this has not catalyzed the mother of all yeast infections considering my delicate self.

That all being said, I did ask why the heck I needed to do this for an IUI- and got an answer that I was ok with: basically with so many screwed up hormones, things might not do what they would in a natural cycle what with all the messing with the pituitary and all, so why take chances.  Alrighty then.

Me? I am home with an evil viral flu-y thing that started with a razory throat yesterday morning and progressed to chills, fever, achy skin and joints, and snot in all of its various forms by midday. I literally could not get out of bed until noon and have been on the couch ever since. I called my beloved sister last night for reassurance-- needing to hear that somehow this shitty flu thingy will NOT endanger any embryo that might be floating around in there and cause it to think of me as a hostile environment and bail out-- and she said no- reminded me that babies are made in times of war and famine,  and in the midst of all sorts of sicknesses, so not to worry.

Who me, worry?  As if. *cough*

a little bubbly

The thing I like best about the progesterone suppositories? Bubbly pee. I'm just sayin'.

thin skin

So you know how sometimes you think you have it together and are holding up ok and then one thing happens, heck, it could be anything-- say, for example, your sweetie accidentally leaning on the "send help" button in the exam room and folks running in to help, and then you start to laugh kinda and then you start to cry and then you are crying really hard and realizing that maybe, just maybe you are not quite as together as you thought?

Yea.... so. that would be me: not quite as together as I thought. IUI accomplished. Home on the sofa for no physical reason at all, just needing to NOT be at work with this thin skin. 

triggered

My google horoscope today:

"You can't expect to fix something if the tools you've been using just don't work. You need a whole new strategy to deal with the issue. How willing you're prepared to experiment and explore new approaches will determine your success. The key for you just now is open-mindedness."

You know, I always thought I was open minded. It was always one of my self definitions.  But then life included some really tough turns and crises and I got hurt badly and got very cautious. Started closing in, questioning, wondering, waiting, assessing, not trusting my heart. I used to be much more free spirited. Much more open. Now somewhere out there Jane is perhaps laughing (I bet we can all almost hear her wondrous roaring laugh), remembering that my so called free spirit was very much contained by my very very cautious and introverted kateness. Yes, yes, but everything is relative. I was more free spirited then, I was.

So one of my personal journeys is to try to get back in touch with that free spirited kate. Not in an unsafe way, but in a way that honors the contribution that that part brings to the whole. I am someone who has always been filled with wonder and awe in a child like way. I have never lost that part. And I do believe there is a lot out there that is not knowable in an intellectual science-y way-- at least not yet. So...

Did I tell you about my energy balancing?  No? Last weekend, on the advice of a beloved friend, I got in touch with Elma from Now Healing.  One of the things I asked her to address was my struggle with infertility, told her I was smack dab in the middle of a barely-eking-by IVF cycle- and as she tuned in to me, she said that she was going to work on clearing any energy fields that were inhibiting follicle and oocyte growth, and once she did that, she said she was going to work on aiding and envisioning my eggs maturing, releasing, traveling down my fallopian tubes, meeting up with the necessary sperm, fertilizing, implanting, growing...

and when she was done, I said yes, but I am doing IVF, we are going to be doing egg retrieval, so..... and she stopped me gently and said she was going to work on the eggs moving down my fallopian tubes. I guess I realized then that I'd better seriously consider that this cycle could convert to IUI.

Ok folks, I am a techie of sorts, so what is this with the energy balancing mumbo jumbo?

What do I believe? I believe that sometimes when you listen to what other folks say, you can gain a new perspective and clarity, even if it is only in listening to your own response. I believe that we are all intuitive and that some of us can tap into that part of ourselves more easily and with more trust than others of us. And some of those people are among my most treasured friends (that means you Karen). And I believe that sometimes when push comes to shove, and you have to get down to it and state the issue, your current pattern, where you feel stuck or challenged, or whatever in about 5-10 seconds, you can distill what seems like an unbelievably complex and convoluted situation down into its component parts, its essence.  And that that act of distillation is helpful even if no energy is balanced, no blocks are lifted. Elma kept repeating that her goal was to help me move to a place of strength and neutrality, one unburdened by attachment to outcome. And while I do not feel strong or neutral or unattached, I appreciate being reminded of the simple idea that if you are centered over your feet, you can move in any direction you need to. If you are already leaning forward, you are already unbalanced, already off kilter.

And as a wise man once said, you cannot begin a journey from a place where you are not.

So now I need to try to trust in this moment, this process. I need to try to stay over my feet, stay open minded, even while going through experiences and procedures and waiting, hoping for (and yes attached to) a specific outcome, even while gathering information and deciding next steps. 

Thanks for listening.

IVF#2? No, IUI #4

Such a hard and shitty day- 

as soon as I saw the scan I pretty much knew this would be the outcome: our IVF has been officially converted to an IUI scheduled for monday. My one little go getter is still getting bigger (18mm) and the other three follicles are lagging behind (all around 10mm). So it is too much of a gamble to let the first one go and hope that more show up (IVF at my clinic needs a minimum of 4 of the right size)... so we will stim for one more day (yay 3 more shots since tonight's are done) then we trigger tomorrow night and do the IUI thing monday morning. This sucked (SUCKED) but it was not the hardest part for me. No, the hardest part was when I asked (assuming this IUI may fail) when we could start our next cycle.

 

Our usually somewhat loquacious and sweet nurse, Sharon, was quiet for a moment. And then she said that considering everything Dr. M does not suggest we do another cycle especially since my response was so low this time around. She said that we should consider moving on to other options with a higher chance of success, like donor eggs, donor embryos or adoption. And I felt my world crumble.

I am not ready to give up this hope, this hope that this could work. That somehow we can combine our genetic material into someone new. But reality says our odds are low no matter what-- 

so, ok, it is not as if we have not been thinking about what's next, right? (she says, picking up the pieces of her heart in a dustpan, careful not to cut her fingers) -- so--what about donor eggs? the high cost, good lord, and the horrible honest realization that no matter how much I wish I felt differently, embarrassingly, I would be afraid of being jealous of my partner's connection to the child, the genetic connection-- so this one is not one I am settled about, one I am conflicted about. so what about donor embryos? maybe. but as a mixed race couple living in new hampshire, the embryos we would have access to are generally not the kind of mix we would be, which is not in itself a deal breaker, just not what we would ideally want (notice my gall here? my audacity? my daring to speak of an IDEAL???). ok so what about adoption?-- the only "sure bet" that is not really one, but... expensive, quite a lengthy process with uncertainty at many points as well....  the short answer? we do not know what we would do. I am not ready to decide. I just want and wanted this to work.

But since I am kate, I have a plan for what's next. If this IUI fails, we will spend the $250, have a consult with CCRM (the colorado clinic so famous for helping women of a certain age achieve the near impossible). They may say we are done. They may say it is nearly impossible, or insanely expensive or whatever it is that they say, but I do not want to look back and wish I had asked their opinion. So we will.

And as a side note, in the interest of full disclosure, I am not brave: After that first horrible thigh shot,  I have not done the other IM injections myself. Oh I wanted to be able to-- my controlfreak self, my littlemissindependent self wanted to, wanted to know I can. But honestly? Since I did not have to do it myself, since I had a willing partner, and looking at the 1" needle made me feel totally freaked out and scared, I folded: I chickened out and let my darlin' do it. And while they still Suck, they suck less, and all is well with the world except for the little fact that I did not respond well enough anyway, and it feels like it was all for nothing.

But the little hopeful kate, the one holding on by her fingernails says, hey, maybe this could still work.  And then all the other kates laugh and laugh. Please just let the little hopeful kate be right.