14 March 2009

triggered

My google horoscope today:
"You can't expect to fix something if the tools you've been using just don't work. You need a whole new strategy to deal with the issue. How willing you're prepared to experiment and explore new approaches will determine your success. The key for you just now is open-mindedness."

You know, I always thought I was open minded. It was always one of my self definitions.  But then life included some really tough turns and crises and I got hurt badly and got very cautious. Started closing in, questioning, wondering, waiting, assessing, not trusting my heart. I used to be much more free spirited. Much more open. Now somewhere out there Jane is perhaps laughing (I bet we can all almost hear her wondrous roaring laugh), remembering that my so called free spirit was very much contained by my very very cautious and introverted kateness. Yes, yes, but everything is relative. I was more free spirited then, I was.

So one of my personal journeys is to try to get back in touch with that free spirited kate. Not in an unsafe way, but in a way that honors the contribution that that part brings to the whole. I am someone who has always been filled with wonder and awe in a child like way. I have never lost that part. And I do believe there is a lot out there that is not knowable in an intellectual science-y way-- at least not yet. So...

Did I tell you about my energy balancing?  No? Last weekend, on the advice of a beloved friend, I got in touch with Elma from Now Healing.  One of the things I asked her to address was my struggle with infertility, told her I was smack dab in the middle of a barely-eking-by IVF cycle- and as she tuned in to me, she said that she was going to work on clearing any energy fields that were inhibiting follicle and oocyte growth, and once she did that, she said she was going to work on aiding and envisioning my eggs maturing, releasing, traveling down my fallopian tubes, meeting up with the necessary sperm, fertilizing, implanting, growing...
and when she was done, I said yes, but I am doing IVF, we are going to be doing egg retrieval, so..... and she stopped me gently and said she was going to work on the eggs moving down my fallopian tubes. I guess I realized then that I'd better seriously consider that this cycle could convert to IUI.

Ok folks, I am a techie of sorts, so what is this with the energy balancing mumbo jumbo?
What do I believe? I believe that sometimes when you listen to what other folks say, you can gain a new perspective and clarity, even if it is only in listening to your own response. I believe that we are all intuitive and that some of us can tap into that part of ourselves more easily and with more trust than others of us. And some of those people are among my most treasured friends (that means you Karen). And I believe that sometimes when push comes to shove, and you have to get down to it and state the issue, your current pattern, where you feel stuck or challenged, or whatever in about 5-10 seconds, you can distill what seems like an unbelievably complex and convoluted situation down into its component parts, its essence.  And that that act of distillation is helpful even if no energy is balanced, no blocks are lifted. Elma kept repeating that her goal was to help me move to a place of strength and neutrality, one unburdened by attachment to outcome. And while I do not feel strong or neutral or unattached, I appreciate being reminded of the simple idea that if you are centered over your feet, you can move in any direction you need to. If you are already leaning forward, you are already unbalanced, already off kilter.

And as a wise man once said, you cannot begin a journey from a place where you are not.
So now I need to try to trust in this moment, this process. I need to try to stay over my feet, stay open minded, even while going through experiences and procedures and waiting, hoping for (and yes attached to) a specific outcome, even while gathering information and deciding next steps. 

Thanks for listening.

3 comments:

karen alonge said...

you said: sometimes when you listen to what other folks say, you can gain a new perspective and clarity, even if it is only in listening to your own response.

gosh you have a way with words! so beautifully said ...

Elma may have preferred to spend your limited time together working on you rather than explaining the details of what she was doing, so I'm gonna tackle the challenge of trying to explain it with a metaphor.

Okay, here goes: Imagine your spine (or midline, as Elma may have called it) as a projector, like those ones that shine the constellations of the night sky on the ceiling of a dark room.

If you want to see something different on the ceiling, you gotta change the holes in the projector, right? It won't work to go up to the ceiling and try to change it there.

Physical manifestations are like the stars on the ceiling. Energy work changes the projector.

You won't necessarily consciously FEEL neutral or unattached to the outcome immediately, because feelings are also like the stars on the ceiling.

Just as the light needs a little time to make it up to the ceiling in its new pattern, sometimes energy shifts can take a little time to reach our feelings, conscious awareness, and physical manifestation. Other times, people feel different or notice changes right away.

Once the projector has been changed, the stars on the ceiling MUST also change. They have no choice.

Sometimes they don't change enough to satisfy us, and we go back for more tweaks. Sometimes, one session is enough.

Over the past several years, I've seen energy work result in remarkable physical changes in cases where no other kind of intervention made a dent, both for folks who 'believed' in it AND folks who didn't.

I'm so glad you were open to trying it.

And I'm also glad you are posting such deeply honest and poignant entries. Your transparency is such a tremendous gift, and it's an honor to witness your journey, as well as a comfort to me to see that you are loved and supported by so many others.

I'll be thinking of you Monday. When it comes right down to it, we all started from just one egg and one sperm. Here's hoping that you guys' find each other.

Anonymous said...

Hi Kate,

Still with you. I am traveling now and have intermittent access to the internet.

I can't believe how similar our situations and feelings are.

I am hoping the best for your IUI. There are always options and I believe in fate.
Things always turn out how they are supposed to. You will find clarity and your plan will work.

Maredsous

Cassandra said...

Thanks for your comment.

I posted a couple of months ago about my own experience with a "healer" who fixed my "aura."
http://babysmiling.wordpress.com/2009/02/11/the-sceptics-take-manhattan/

Despite my deep skepticism, I have to say that the healing is the only explanation why this IUI has succeeded so far and 2 IVFs and 6 other IUIs did not. That, or random chance.

I hope that your energy adjustment does the trick for you too! I'm still not sure if I believe any of it, but just in case...