triggered

My google horoscope today:

"You can't expect to fix something if the tools you've been using just don't work. You need a whole new strategy to deal with the issue. How willing you're prepared to experiment and explore new approaches will determine your success. The key for you just now is open-mindedness."

You know, I always thought I was open minded. It was always one of my self definitions.  But then life included some really tough turns and crises and I got hurt badly and got very cautious. Started closing in, questioning, wondering, waiting, assessing, not trusting my heart. I used to be much more free spirited. Much more open. Now somewhere out there Jane is perhaps laughing (I bet we can all almost hear her wondrous roaring laugh), remembering that my so called free spirit was very much contained by my very very cautious and introverted kateness. Yes, yes, but everything is relative. I was more free spirited then, I was.

So one of my personal journeys is to try to get back in touch with that free spirited kate. Not in an unsafe way, but in a way that honors the contribution that that part brings to the whole. I am someone who has always been filled with wonder and awe in a child like way. I have never lost that part. And I do believe there is a lot out there that is not knowable in an intellectual science-y way-- at least not yet. So...

Did I tell you about my energy balancing?  No? Last weekend, on the advice of a beloved friend, I got in touch with Elma from Now Healing.  One of the things I asked her to address was my struggle with infertility, told her I was smack dab in the middle of a barely-eking-by IVF cycle- and as she tuned in to me, she said that she was going to work on clearing any energy fields that were inhibiting follicle and oocyte growth, and once she did that, she said she was going to work on aiding and envisioning my eggs maturing, releasing, traveling down my fallopian tubes, meeting up with the necessary sperm, fertilizing, implanting, growing...

and when she was done, I said yes, but I am doing IVF, we are going to be doing egg retrieval, so..... and she stopped me gently and said she was going to work on the eggs moving down my fallopian tubes. I guess I realized then that I'd better seriously consider that this cycle could convert to IUI.

Ok folks, I am a techie of sorts, so what is this with the energy balancing mumbo jumbo?

What do I believe? I believe that sometimes when you listen to what other folks say, you can gain a new perspective and clarity, even if it is only in listening to your own response. I believe that we are all intuitive and that some of us can tap into that part of ourselves more easily and with more trust than others of us. And some of those people are among my most treasured friends (that means you Karen). And I believe that sometimes when push comes to shove, and you have to get down to it and state the issue, your current pattern, where you feel stuck or challenged, or whatever in about 5-10 seconds, you can distill what seems like an unbelievably complex and convoluted situation down into its component parts, its essence.  And that that act of distillation is helpful even if no energy is balanced, no blocks are lifted. Elma kept repeating that her goal was to help me move to a place of strength and neutrality, one unburdened by attachment to outcome. And while I do not feel strong or neutral or unattached, I appreciate being reminded of the simple idea that if you are centered over your feet, you can move in any direction you need to. If you are already leaning forward, you are already unbalanced, already off kilter.

And as a wise man once said, you cannot begin a journey from a place where you are not.

So now I need to try to trust in this moment, this process. I need to try to stay over my feet, stay open minded, even while going through experiences and procedures and waiting, hoping for (and yes attached to) a specific outcome, even while gathering information and deciding next steps. 

Thanks for listening.