23 March 2009

wondering

So it has been one whole week since the IUI. I confess, I do search my insides for evidence-- a twinge here, a small pulling, a bump over a frost heave that leaves my breasts sore-- and I am wondering of course, what the hell is happening in there.

On saturday I spoke out loud to the little maybe, I said, I know you are probably waiting for me to be less divided about a lot of things, but since that is never actually going to happen, since that is just the way I am-- just know I am ready when you are.
And you know what? In that moment I felt more peaceful. Like I had extended an unambiguous invitation to stick around.

Of course, then there are those other times when I spiral around in a quagmire of whatifs and whatabouts and whatthehells and whynots and whys and all the bullshit that comes from feeling broken and out of time and 
wishing I had a decade left to play with. But then I know I would not be me, this me, this one who imagines she can parent even if she knows she will be making it all up moment by moment.  The younger kate would have wanted to know what to do, would have wanted to be confident in her skills and sure of her potential appropriateness as a parent before even thinking about becoming one and she would not have been able to achieve any of that. This kate, this older one, knows better. Knows that the best we can do is the best we can do.
Some days that is getting dressed. Somedays that is creating a masterpiece. Somedays it is tuning into wonder or awe or beauty. Somedays it is digging a sliver out of your foot.

So today, I am trying not to be crazy, and it is working about 70 percent of the time give or take. My mind has been all tied up with getting med records and assembling a summary sheet of our journey thus far based on what I remember. Gosh, last year seems like a long, long time ago. Was it really last summer we tried IUIs with the evil clomid?  And since I worked through 3 sites, and their records are not integrated, I had one good experience and two bad ones. Not even sure I succeeded with my faxing and requesting. But we'll see.

I still hate the progesterone. My skin is so pissed off. Vaseline is my friend. As will be shout for all my stained everythings and underthings- and each day is each day. When do I test folks, day what? Or do I just wait to see if my period arrives? I did a baseline to see if the hCG was out of my system and it was.  (Of course, with my system was it even in it?)  Advice is welcome. They do not do a beta on IUIs, just want me test the old fashioned way.  Loving the dollar store tests except for the packaging.

Ok maybe next post I will write about my introduction to blogs.  My long ago and faraway introduction that now seems so friggin ironic.  We'll get to that, maybe tomorrow.

7 comments:

What IF? said...

I've found the "trying not to be crazy" is an exercise in futility when you're waiting. You succeeding 70% of the time is miraculous. Hats off to you for finding some zen in this crazy conversion ride you've had.

The conversation with the "little maybe" sounds so freeing. I love how you can look back on the younger Kate and be kinder to yourself now.

Wish I had answers on the IUI wait time. I'm so hoping you'll get to meet maybe baby in 9 months.

Sticks and Stims said...

Thanks for your post.

Waiting is awful. I am a POAS addict so please take that into account! I got both of my positives with IVF 8dp3dt or 11dpo - both ended early but started off really well. That is pretty early. My little sister - she got pregnant naturally - did not get a positive until 13dpo - and she has a beautiful little girl. I am no sure of the timing for IUI and there are late implanters...

I drove myself crazy with the POAS - but, it prepared me for the horrid official news that I received yesterday and I was able to work and life my life. Now, this weekend was a different story. I cried quite a bit but I was glad to have the preparation of the bfns on the sticks.

The end of my azzvice is always the same - do what you will be comfortable with in the long run.

I am hoping you get a bfp - we need one around here.

IVF 40+ said...

HI Kate. You sound positively sane compared to my ramblings!! I say POAS 5 days before your period. If you can wait that long. OR poas every day! that way you will be so over the whole thing by the time the sentence is read.
Easy to write advice - watch this space when my time comes!

Whatever happens, may your hopes come true. Thinking of you. Thanks for all your support over the past few weeks.
EB

Joannah said...

Yeah, I've been wishing for an extra decade these last few days. That line in your post resonated with me.

My doctor always had me do the BETA with my IUIs, so I don't know what to tell you about when to test. Maybe start at 10 days post IUI?

:-)

littlebitofsomething said...

the wait is always the worst part. especially because some days you can make it hours without feeling obsessively obsessed with your body... and then one little thing can set your mind off and the spirals begin to strand away.

i hope the wait goes quickly. i hope some little bugger in there relaxes into you and hangs out to grow.

hang in there lady.

karen alonge said...

the pee stick test results seem to be much more reliable on or after the day your period is due, which is probably about 2 weeks post-conception.

If you read the small print in the package, even on the brands that say you can test early, the reliability significantly improves with each passing day.

I always waited til period day to test because I did not want to ride a rollercoaster of emotions based on an inconclusive result. and I always bought the double package, so I could verify it right away.

But that's just me!

Thinking of you every day with love and optimism. xo

Maredsous said...

Hey Kate,

I am not one to ask about testing. I am delayed gratification person. So I would wait until the day your period is due.

Sounds like you are holding up well this cycle. I think positive thinking is a good thing. It also makes life much more livable.

I am anxious to find out about your trip the the Magic Kingdom of IVF.