wondering

So it has been one whole week since the IUI. I confess, I do search my insides for evidence-- a twinge here, a small pulling, a bump over a frost heave that leaves my breasts sore-- and I am wondering of course, what the hell is happening in there.

On saturday I spoke out loud to the little maybe, I said, I know you are probably waiting for me to be less divided about a lot of things, but since that is never actually going to happen, since that is just the way I am-- just know I am ready when you are.

And you know what? In that moment I felt more peaceful. Like I had extended an unambiguous invitation to stick around.

Of course, then there are those other times when I spiral around in a quagmire of whatifs and whatabouts and whatthehells and whynots and whys and all the bullshit that comes from feeling broken and out of time and 

wishing I had a decade left to play with. But then I know I would not be me, this me, this one who imagines she can parent even if she knows she will be making it all up moment by moment.  The younger kate would have wanted to know what to do, would have wanted to be confident in her skills and sure of her potential appropriateness as a parent before even thinking about becoming one and she would not have been able to achieve any of that. This kate, this older one, knows better. Knows that the best we can do is the best we can do.

Some days that is getting dressed. Somedays that is creating a masterpiece. Somedays it is tuning into wonder or awe or beauty. Somedays it is digging a sliver out of your foot.

So today, I am trying not to be crazy, and it is working about 70 percent of the time give or take. My mind has been all tied up with getting med records and assembling a summary sheet of our journey thus far based on what I remember. Gosh, last year seems like a long, long time ago. Was it really last summer we tried IUIs with the evil clomid?  And since I worked through 3 sites, and their records are not integrated, I had one good experience and two bad ones. Not even sure I succeeded with my faxing and requesting. But we'll see.

I still hate the progesterone. My skin is so pissed off. Vaseline is my friend. As will be shout for all my stained everythings and underthings- and each day is each day. When do I test folks, day what? Or do I just wait to see if my period arrives? I did a baseline to see if the hCG was out of my system and it was.  (Of course, with my system was it even in it?)  Advice is welcome. They do not do a beta on IUIs, just want me test the old fashioned way.  Loving the dollar store tests except for the packaging.

Ok maybe next post I will write about my introduction to blogs.  My long ago and faraway introduction that now seems so friggin ironic.  We'll get to that, maybe tomorrow.