30 March 2009

I am humbled

By all of you-- your good wishes, your wonderful wild yodels of joy, your words of comfort and support, your kindness, your generosity, your incredible good will.  I did not think I'd ever be on this side of the TTC journey, not even for a moment. And it feels downright weird. Like wait a minute. Like I looked around and realized I have wandered into an unfamiliar neighborhood and I am not sure I am safe.
But then, there are these amazing familiar voices- saying don't panic. Or go ahead and panic, we've got your back.
So, thank you thank you thank you. Thank you for being stunned with me. Thank you for understanding my caution and my astonishment and my fear and my whoa nellie this is so friggin crazystrange feelings.  I am happy, but I am so much more than that. Scared and freaked out and feel dislocated and displaced. And in such a foreign land. 

Thank you to all who have commented, those I have never heard from before (Peachy! and anonymouses/mice?), some I have only known recently (Elizabeth! Jim and Jenn! meinsideout!), some for a while (sprogblogger, onwardandsideways, 40+) as well as "old" friends (my "posse"- Maredsous, Joannah, Elle, GradeA, bb, Nic, Whatif, alittlebitofsomething)- and my real life friends- Karen, Alyssa, Sarah, David. Oh your words mean so much.  I know how I have felt when I see that someone out there has a positive result, after all this craziness. It feels so fragile, and I always wanted to say something helpful to ease the fear that it is transient, or some sort of colossal mistake,  that somehow this glimpse of something miraculous will end, the gift will be taken back. But I couldn't because no one can. The best we can do is be in each moment. Some moments I do feel happy. But mostly, I am stunned. Disbelieving. Astonished. And grateful, very very grateful-- not just for this, but for you. Thank you. 

12 comments:

invitroveritas said...

I know exactly how you feel about the unknown neighbourhood. Except that there are a bunch of us here right now. We'll get through the joy and the panic and the joy together.

Joannah said...

De nada. Just be happy.

:-)

Joy said...

Congratulations!!! It won't seem real until baby starts moving, at least it is like that for me. I'm 11 weeks and I have to stop myself and go, "What? I'm pregnant?" It's just surreal!

CONGRATS again!!!

Elizabeth said...

Hey -- look at you, you're growing a new human! It's all forward from here.

I'll say (in case no one else shares this experience), the time between betas was really the hardest of all for me. My numbers were low (101 was my first beta) and slow to double and, it was much worse than the whole initial IVF thing, because all of a sudden I had an actual something to lose, not just money, and it felt much more concrete than any of the rest of it had up to then. It's a silly thing to whine about in retrospect, since it all turned out okay. . .but, still, be easy on yourself. Good thoughts to you, and so, so happy to "see" you in this place!

IVF 40+ said...

Hi - kind words from a thankful person to a learning friend. This is " Hanna" indeed.
EB

alyssa ettinger said...

from a member of your real life posse, i'm all fingers and toes crossed and SO SO thrilled for you--really, i even called my mother!

you are in my thoughts nearly every minute. i love you.

bb said...

Kate, again I am SO HAPPY for you!! Just makes me smile ;-)

Anonymous said...

What an awesome BHGC. You ROCK.

Jim and Jenn said...

Kate,

Your Beta result post and this post had me in tears for you....tears of happiness!!!

Enjoy each moment of this stunned, surprised joy you are having.
Darn it...you have earned it!

This gives me such hope!

Congrats!

Anonymous said...

I'm beyond happy for you! Just let me know when you're up for being snickerdoodled!

Nic said...

We are all so happy for you. We know what a journey you have been through and so pleased you have come out of it with a BFP! I understand you being careful and taking one day at a time. Just make sure you enjoy each day!

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