27 March 2009

One line

It is not positive yet, which is my way of nicely avoiding saying it is negative.
One line.
Tried two tests because I am kate-- same clear result. I will test again sunday (when it will be 14 days past IUI and therefore, theoretically 14 days past ovulation), but without even a ghost of a line today, I feel it is unlikely (unless I ovulated several days past IUI which seems crazy). But, as always, I will play this out since it really is not entirely over yet.

I am sad but trying not to be consumed. In many ways I really am ok so far. Really. In all of this shit that has been this cycle, one great thing has happened: I feel connected to the maybe. I am not sure where that maybe is, or when or how we will meet, but I think it will happen. (Thanks Elma! Thanks self!)

I lay in bed afterwards for my post-progesterone suppository lie-in, and put my hands on my belly and just breathed. I tried to focus on being thankful- thankful to my body for taking all the abuse this month, the injections, the hormones, the rummaging and searching and scoping, the soreness... and also for the successes, 4 follicles is better than none. And with the doc conversation happening in April, we have a while before we jump back in to needles and whathaveyou... So here's a positive thing: If I am not pregnant, I can stop these fucQing suppositories. I could almost feel gleeful about that. But not quite.


Anonymous said...

You sound good, but I'm still so sorry that it's not looking like the result that's wanted. Hang in there, it sure sounds like you have a fantastic attitude about what's next in this journey.

What IF? said...

I envy you your levelheadedness, calmness and thankfulness despite all of the curve balls you've been thrown lately. Feeling connected to the maybe is a huge accomplishment in and of itself.

And I so hear you on the suppositories. That was definitely a silver lining in my BFN last month. Another one is automatically shedding pounds when one stops progesterone.

May a 2nd line show up soon to surprise you.

Joannah said...

I just hate those negative tests. Someday we're both going to get a positive test! I know just what you mean about the suppositories. I was always relieved to stop them. I'd rather do the PIO shots than those nasty things.

IVF 40+ said...

This journey is so emotionally taxing. You seem to be keeping your heart and head in an amazing place. I hope the second line makes an appearance.

Anonymous said...

i'm sorry you've only gotten one line so far. i hope that sunday has a sunnier start. thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Nic said...

I am sorry but as you say, it is still early days. Hope Sunday brings joy

Anonymous said...

I hope you got a bfp this morning...hugs to you.

Grade A said...

Wishing you the best today. Either way, I can't help but think your tarot reading speaks of great things to come. Thinking of you.