27 March 2009

One line

It is not positive yet, which is my way of nicely avoiding saying it is negative.
One line.
Tried two tests because I am kate-- same clear result. I will test again sunday (when it will be 14 days past IUI and therefore, theoretically 14 days past ovulation), but without even a ghost of a line today, I feel it is unlikely (unless I ovulated several days past IUI which seems crazy). But, as always, I will play this out since it really is not entirely over yet.

I am sad but trying not to be consumed. In many ways I really am ok so far. Really. In all of this shit that has been this cycle, one great thing has happened: I feel connected to the maybe. I am not sure where that maybe is, or when or how we will meet, but I think it will happen. (Thanks Elma! Thanks self!)

I lay in bed afterwards for my post-progesterone suppository lie-in, and put my hands on my belly and just breathed. I tried to focus on being thankful- thankful to my body for taking all the abuse this month, the injections, the hormones, the rummaging and searching and scoping, the soreness... and also for the successes, 4 follicles is better than none. And with the doc conversation happening in April, we have a while before we jump back in to needles and whathaveyou... So here's a positive thing: If I am not pregnant, I can stop these fucQing suppositories. I could almost feel gleeful about that. But not quite.

8 comments:

sprogblogger said...

You sound good, but I'm still so sorry that it's not looking like the result that's wanted. Hang in there, it sure sounds like you have a fantastic attitude about what's next in this journey.

What IF? said...

I envy you your levelheadedness, calmness and thankfulness despite all of the curve balls you've been thrown lately. Feeling connected to the maybe is a huge accomplishment in and of itself.

And I so hear you on the suppositories. That was definitely a silver lining in my BFN last month. Another one is automatically shedding pounds when one stops progesterone.

May a 2nd line show up soon to surprise you.

Joannah said...

I just hate those negative tests. Someday we're both going to get a positive test! I know just what you mean about the suppositories. I was always relieved to stop them. I'd rather do the PIO shots than those nasty things.

IVF 40+ said...

This journey is so emotionally taxing. You seem to be keeping your heart and head in an amazing place. I hope the second line makes an appearance.
EB

littlebitofsomething said...

i'm sorry you've only gotten one line so far. i hope that sunday has a sunnier start. thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Nic said...

I am sorry but as you say, it is still early days. Hope Sunday brings joy

meinsideout said...

I hope you got a bfp this morning...hugs to you.

Grade A said...

Wishing you the best today. Either way, I can't help but think your tarot reading speaks of great things to come. Thinking of you.