13 March 2009

IVF#2? No, IUI #4

Such a hard and shitty day- 
as soon as I saw the scan I pretty much knew this would be the outcome: our IVF has been officially converted to an IUI scheduled for monday. My one little go getter is still getting bigger (18mm) and the other three follicles are lagging behind (all around 10mm). So it is too much of a gamble to let the first one go and hope that more show up (IVF at my clinic needs a minimum of 4 of the right size)... so we will stim for one more day (yay 3 more shots since tonight's are done) then we trigger tomorrow night and do the IUI thing monday morning. This sucked (SUCKED) but it was not the hardest part for me. No, the hardest part was when I asked (assuming this IUI may fail) when we could start our next cycle.
Our usually somewhat loquacious and sweet nurse, Sharon, was quiet for a moment. And then she said that considering everything Dr. M does not suggest we do another cycle especially since my response was so low this time around. She said that we should consider moving on to other options with a higher chance of success, like donor eggs, donor embryos or adoption. And I felt my world crumble.

I am not ready to give up this hope, this hope that this could work. That somehow we can combine our genetic material into someone new. But reality says our odds are low no matter what-- 
so, ok, it is not as if we have not been thinking about what's next, right? (she says, picking up the pieces of her heart in a dustpan, careful not to cut her fingers) -- so--what about donor eggs? the high cost, good lord, and the horrible honest realization that no matter how much I wish I felt differently, embarrassingly, I would be afraid of being jealous of my partner's connection to the child, the genetic connection-- so this one is not one I am settled about, one I am conflicted about. so what about donor embryos? maybe. but as a mixed race couple living in new hampshire, the embryos we would have access to are generally not the kind of mix we would be, which is not in itself a deal breaker, just not what we would ideally want (notice my gall here? my audacity? my daring to speak of an IDEAL???). ok so what about adoption?-- the only "sure bet" that is not really one, but... expensive, quite a lengthy process with uncertainty at many points as well....  the short answer? we do not know what we would do. I am not ready to decide. I just want and wanted this to work.

But since I am kate, I have a plan for what's next. If this IUI fails, we will spend the $250, have a consult with CCRM (the colorado clinic so famous for helping women of a certain age achieve the near impossible). They may say we are done. They may say it is nearly impossible, or insanely expensive or whatever it is that they say, but I do not want to look back and wish I had asked their opinion. So we will.

And as a side note, in the interest of full disclosure, I am not brave: After that first horrible thigh shot,  I have not done the other IM injections myself. Oh I wanted to be able to-- my controlfreak self, my littlemissindependent self wanted to, wanted to know I can. But honestly? Since I did not have to do it myself, since I had a willing partner, and looking at the 1" needle made me feel totally freaked out and scared, I folded: I chickened out and let my darlin' do it. And while they still Suck, they suck less, and all is well with the world except for the little fact that I did not respond well enough anyway, and it feels like it was all for nothing.

But the little hopeful kate, the one holding on by her fingernails says, hey, maybe this could still work.  And then all the other kates laugh and laugh. Please just let the little hopeful kate be right.


Anonymous said...

I'm rooting with hopeful Kate on this one...tell other kate to shush.

Anonymous said...

I'm rooting for hopeful Kate, too. This is about the miracle of life!!! Fingers and toes all crossed for you. Hang in there and rustle up all the positive thinking you can. I'm sending some your way.

daves51 said...

Oh, Kate.

You have so much energy flowing your way right now. So much positive energy that I know you will find the right solution--whatever it is--and I truly believe you will find it because of who you are. Try everything but don't be afraid to close doors. There will be new ones and any of them could be the way to finding the love you deserve...the love you are so ready to give. Hang in there Kate.

Joannah said...

Stay hopeful, Kate!

You will be a mother one day.

Anonymous said...

Please, stay hopeful, Kate. I'm glad you're going to see what CCRM has to say. And, I hope you can find some peace with whatever comes next.

This may or may not help, but it helped me when I first realized that I'm likely going to be looking at a donor egg cycle if I want to carry a child of mine to term. (Stupid, crappy, older-than-they-look eggs!) Someone told me that while it's true that I would have no genetic connection to the child, simply by having carried it for 9 months, by having exposed it to the foods I eat, my moods, my personal hormonal cocktail, I would be affecting which genes turn on & off, that a child I carried would be different than a child carried by another woman - even on the first day it was born. That child will have drawn more from me than simply a cozy place to incubate. It comforted me and made me more okay with recognizing what's in store for me than I would have been otherwise, so I offer that notion to you in the hopes it might do the same. If not, please feel free to ignore & curse me for a busybody!

But don't give up hope. Not yet. You've still got options, and I hope the IUI works!

Anonymous said...

kate, i'm sorry she said this. i do think that talking to ccrm is the right thing to do should you need to. they're the experts, right :)

i'm still holding out hope for this cycle and thinking of you lots as you trigger!

Anonymous said...

I am so rooting for you. But I was talking to my dr and she menioned CCRM and said that they were the best in the country. But I just thought her cousin worked there or somthing. I'm glad to hear that you have heard of them too.

I might try them myself.