as soon as I saw the scan I pretty much knew this would be the outcome: our IVF has been officially converted to an IUI scheduled for monday. My one little go getter is still getting bigger (18mm) and the other three follicles are lagging behind (all around 10mm). So it is too much of a gamble to let the first one go and hope that more show up (IVF at my clinic needs a minimum of 4 of the right size)... so we will stim for one more day (yay 3 more shots since tonight's are done) then we trigger tomorrow night and do the IUI thing monday morning. This sucked (SUCKED) but it was not the hardest part for me. No, the hardest part was when I asked (assuming this IUI may fail) when we could start our next cycle.
Our usually somewhat loquacious and sweet nurse, Sharon, was quiet for a moment. And then she said that considering everything Dr. M does not suggest we do another cycle especially since my response was so low this time around. She said that we should consider moving on to other options with a higher chance of success, like donor eggs, donor embryos or adoption. And I felt my world crumble.
I am not ready to give up this hope, this hope that this could work. That somehow we can combine our genetic material into someone new. But reality says our odds are low no matter what--
so, ok, it is not as if we have not been thinking about what's next, right? (she says, picking up the pieces of her heart in a dustpan, careful not to cut her fingers) -- so--what about donor eggs? the high cost, good lord, and the horrible honest realization that no matter how much I wish I felt differently, embarrassingly, I would be afraid of being jealous of my partner's connection to the child, the genetic connection-- so this one is not one I am settled about, one I am conflicted about. so what about donor embryos? maybe. but as a mixed race couple living in new hampshire, the embryos we would have access to are generally not the kind of mix we would be, which is not in itself a deal breaker, just not what we would ideally want (notice my gall here? my audacity? my daring to speak of an IDEAL???). ok so what about adoption?-- the only "sure bet" that is not really one, but... expensive, quite a lengthy process with uncertainty at many points as well.... the short answer? we do not know what we would do. I am not ready to decide. I just want and wanted this to work.
But since I am kate, I have a plan for what's next. If this IUI fails, we will spend the $250, have a consult with CCRM (the colorado clinic so famous for helping women of a certain age achieve the near impossible). They may say we are done. They may say it is nearly impossible, or insanely expensive or whatever it is that they say, but I do not want to look back and wish I had asked their opinion. So we will.
And as a side note, in the interest of full disclosure, I am not brave: After that first horrible thigh shot, I have not done the other IM injections myself. Oh I wanted to be able to-- my controlfreak self, my littlemissindependent self wanted to, wanted to know I can. But honestly? Since I did not have to do it myself, since I had a willing partner, and looking at the 1" needle made me feel totally freaked out and scared, I folded: I chickened out and let my darlin' do it. And while they still Suck, they suck less, and all is well with the world except for the little fact that I did not respond well enough anyway, and it feels like it was all for nothing.
But the little hopeful kate, the one holding on by her fingernails says, hey, maybe this could still work. And then all the other kates laugh and laugh. Please just let the little hopeful kate be right.