05 April 2009


My wee little symptoms have waned a bit these past few days, except for the impressive exhaustion and my sore breasts if I poke them enough... and I found myself worried in spite of what I know. I re-read the wonderful a beautiful day post for reassurance, and while it helped some on an intellectual basis, I still felt like it was meant for someone other than me. I could not shake this low level sense that things might not be going well. Scared that maybe I am not *actually* pregnant or that it is failing.

In my previous life, I would take this mood on a hike- but since that's not allowed,  I did some yard work and work in the garden, and made great progress out there. But I got really really tired even though I was being pretty careful. And when I realized I needed to stop, it was more because I was watching myself and said- if I were a friend of mine, what I would I say? 

I came inside and changed our of my dirty clothes and lay very still on the sofa for a few hours, not sleeping, just staying very still-- feeling almost paralyzed by the heaviness of the exhaustion and the mood. Not exactly sad. Not exactly bereft. More like deeply disheartened. 

I finally started feeling better after a long while, but it was a doozy. 

Tonight I am feeling more like myself again. I have another blood test tomorrow. I am obviously hoping for some good news.  Maybe that will help allay my fears some. Or maybe this is just part of the hormone hootenanny. I am not sure but I am sure I don't like it. 

In an attempt to save myself and remind myself of my highest and best (or at least my ability to fake it), I am adding a wonderful button from the amazingly talented and oh-so-very-honest swirlygirl both in this post and on my sidebar.

On a separate note, anyone else find it bizarre that one's week of pregnancy is counted from the date of last missed period?  So, even though I am just about 3 weeks pregnant in real life (3 weeks tomorrow) the universe says 5 weeks.  If you look up early embryo development stuff, it starts with week 1, "you have your period". Um. Ok. So with this time travel technique, this means my ultrasound next monday (should-we-be-so-lucky)- is the first day of week 6.  HOLY SHIT. I hope this works.


Grade A said...

Hope you have great numbers tomorrow.

You're half way through your 2ww until ultrasound-yippeeeee.

Susan said...

I like your 'be brave' button.

And, damn, I know what you mean. I alternate between over-the-moon and ready to crawl into a dark closet & rock until someone drags me out.

Fingers crossed that everything goes beautifully with your bloodwork results. I'll be checking back til you post those new numbers. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I hate that you have to feel any insecurity and fear - I really hate what this journey has done to me. It robbed me of much joy during my second pregnancy - yes, it ended - but how I long to go back and love that baby for as long as he or she was with me. I really hope you get a good number and a good update.


IVF 40+ said...

I have no words of wisdom just a boat load of emotional support. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. But here's the thing - right now, in this moment, you are pregnant. Do what the 12 steppers do - one day at a time.
Thinking of you