23 April 2009

survivor's guilt, and pasta belly

Ok then internet, I find myself feeling very very cautious about talking about pregnancy stuff, especially anything that smacks of blueness, or fragility, or ambivalence and fear and weird dislocated separateness in the face of so many wonderful folks who would dang near kill to be in my position-- And I am also cautious and aware that I do not want to sound like I am gloating either-- like look at my symptoms! Aren't they something! Isn't this magical!
I find myself poised with fingers over the keys wondering what is safe to say, what will be the least hurtful, what would be fair.

I need to say outright that I do not mean in any way to be insensitive, and hate the idea I might say something that will alienate or make someone feel shittier than they already do about such an insanely emotionally loaded topic. I want to apologize in some odd way-- some sort of weird desperate declaration of still being part of the team--like I want to say Hey, I've been there too and was there a long while, it sucks rocks!-- I got here by accident!
It's like I feel embarrassed and apologetic about being so lucky.

So, with my heart wide open and meaning no offense to anyone, I decided I will go ahead and write about what I'm feeling anyway since that is why I started this blog. And I totally get it if some of you wonderful souls are not able to read it. I'll try to tag these entries with the new 5% or sprout-- so please just avoid them if you need to. So skip the rest of this one if you want.

Yesterday I woke up feeling full. Like I'd had a big pasta dinner. And every time I tucked in my shirt down the front of my pants (which I do a lot since I am peeing more), my hand touched an unfamiliar belly.

I have always been soft bellied. Always. Sometimes more (sometimes MUCH more). Sometimes not quite as much, but always enough to sink a finger in pillsburydoughboyish style but without the freakish giggle.

But yesterday, that belly was suddenly a bit firmer with the familiar squish only on the top. And it really was that sudden.

I am almost too body-aware most of the time having had a life time of belly issues--give me a twinge or a gurgle or whatever and I am ON IT. My attention is rivited, and I go through the flow chart to determine the magnitude of the threat, the proximity of the nearest bathroom, the number of minutes I might have to create options...
but I am not as tactilely aware of my own fine self (except for the hairs on my chin of which I am freakishly aware) ...
in most of my self tactile experiences I am extremely very matter-of-fact-- the lotion goes on, the shaving happens, etc etc... I am much more in touch with how I feel on the inside. Except for my belly, ah yes, the belly.

I can see it so easily and have had to interact with it in the whole fastening of the pants process, or have so many times cursed it in that shirt, or that bathing suit or that dress for oh so very long... oh yes, of all of me, I do have some rather long term tactile and visual knowledge of
the belly. I have poked it disparingly a bazillion times-- and not just with needles! It is one of my favorite places to hang many of my issues with self esteem, body image, and that horrible feeling of who the hell put That there sort of like the intersection where my butt meets up with my legs and how did it go from being one crease to three when I wasn't looking!?! But I digress...
So, it was from that place of hyperfamiliarity and with an OH! feeling that I recognized the suddden change.

Gosh I am only in the middle of week 7 and with a pea sized sprout and a papaya sized uterus-- so it is not as if I am about to pop out a lovely bump anytime soon. I am simply in the beginning of the thickening stage. I knew it would happen sometime in the next few weeks if all goes well since I'd read about it and heard about it, but I did not know what that would be like-- could not quite imagine it really-- and now, at least, I know how it will begin: Suddenly.


onwardandsideways said...

I've been noticing a 'firming' down there for a couple of weeks now. But I'm hyper-aware of my body... lol It does seem to be getting firmer/rounder and that is amazing, so I can relate.

I have thought about how to write on my blog as well. I have sometimes felt pain when reading of others' success (when I was in a scary place myself)... but I never blamed the writer. Don't infertiles especially have the right to finally get to feel the natural joys and fears of pregnancy. Okay, the fear is acceptable by all... but why not the joy too?

It's a difficult subject, but I tend to err on the side of being able to write what you feel. What is a blog for, afterall? Tagging is a good idea... except that if this continues to go well, almost all of my posts would include something that might cause pain to others. I guess it's better than nothing though.

Glad you are doing well!

onwardandsideways said...

Oh, and yeah... reading of others loss and disappointment totally blows. Words just don't seem to cut it in the face of their pain.

cady said...

i feel guilty sometimes writing about my pregnancy on my blog. i feel for those who haven't gotten their bfp's yet, and i don't want to hurt their feelings.

i've noticed my stomach starting to firm up too. it's so weird. i've always had stomach issues, too, so i'm very sensitive about it, especially now that i'm in the "i'm really not fat, i'm pregnant" stage.

IVF 40+ said...

ohhh the thickening stage - sounds really cool! How exciting. I love reading about your pregnancy coz you always sound so surprised to be pregnant!
You are wonderful thoughtful, as always, and terribly brave. Brava.

Anonymous said...

i will support you no matter where i am - i am happy to hear about all of it - it gives me hope and i can still be happy for you

Joannah said...

Kate, it's your blog and you should blog about what's on your mind and in your heart. Please don't hold back! I may not always comment because I may not be able to relate, but I'm truly happy for you and I want you to enjoy this incredible experience.

Anonymous said...

Sweet glowly girl. Be happy. I've always loved your tenderness, something I wish I had more of. But don't hold back your words. You will never feel this way again, get them down so you reread them...say like after you've just spent the day with the four year old you swore you wanted more than anything, then suddenly it seems like a reasonable idea to tie her to the roof rack for the rest of the trip home! Don't hold back! You GLOW girl!

karen alonge said...

about bellies:

I was absolutely delighted when I started officially showing, because finally there was valid justification for my belly's protrusion! I relished wearing maternity clothes - in fact with #2I think I started wearing them at about 8 weeks.

and then after giving birth ... well, I could appreciate my soft belly a little more because it was somehow evidence that something interesting and productive had happened there.

my prediction: you will never hate your belly in quite the same way ever again.

loving reading you, as always!

Nic said...

I really am so happy for you, and although there is a small part of me (actually quite a large part!!) wishing I was pregnanty as well, I would never think that you are not part of the gang anymore!! I will follow you throughout all of this and am hoping everything goes well. Even if I am in a bad place, I feel I can not skip an entry, I may not comment on the odd occasion but I will always read. Good luck for everything. Nic x

Grade A said...

Let your feelings out, girl! We all have body issues, pregnant or not pregnant and it's healthy to let it out. It's good to come to terms with this now, because for me, anyway, there were a few weeks (11-13) where I just felt fat, not pregnant and it certainly added to the list of things upsetting me. Be as connected as you can with that belly (it's easier without clothes), you've earned it. At the same time, it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling.