survivor's guilt, and pasta belly

Ok then internet, I find myself feeling very very cautious about talking about pregnancy stuff, especially anything that smacks of blueness, or fragility, or ambivalence and fear and weird dislocated separateness in the face of so many wonderful folks who would dang near kill to be in my position-- And I am also cautious and aware that I do not want to sound like I am gloating either-- like look at my symptoms! Aren't they something! Isn't this magical!
I find myself poised with fingers over the keys wondering what is safe to say, what will be the least hurtful, what would be fair.

I need to say outright that I do not mean in any way to be insensitive, and hate the idea I might say something that will alienate or make someone feel shittier than they already do about such an insanely emotionally loaded topic. I want to apologize in some odd way-- some sort of weird desperate declaration of still being part of the team--like I want to say Hey, I've been there too and was there a long while, it sucks rocks!-- I got here by accident!
It's like I feel embarrassed and apologetic about being so lucky.

So, with my heart wide open and meaning no offense to anyone, I decided I will go ahead and write about what I'm feeling anyway since that is why I started this blog. And I totally get it if some of you wonderful souls are not able to read it. I'll try to tag these entries with the new 5% or sprout-- so please just avoid them if you need to. So skip the rest of this one if you want.


Yesterday I woke up feeling full. Like I'd had a big pasta dinner. And every time I tucked in my shirt down the front of my pants (which I do a lot since I am peeing more), my hand touched an unfamiliar belly.

I have always been soft bellied. Always. Sometimes more (sometimes MUCH more). Sometimes not quite as much, but always enough to sink a finger in pillsburydoughboyish style but without the freakish giggle.
But yesterday, that belly was suddenly a bit firmer with the familiar squish only on the top. And it really was that sudden.

I am almost too body-aware most of the time having had a life time of belly issues--give me a twinge or a gurgle or whatever and I am ON IT. My attention is rivited, and I go through the flow chart to determine the magnitude of the threat, the proximity of the nearest bathroom, the number of minutes I might have to create options...
but I am not as tactilely aware of my own fine self (except for the hairs on my chin of which I am freakishly aware) ...
in most of my self tactile experiences I am extremely very matter-of-fact-- the lotion goes on, the shaving happens, etc etc... I am much more in touch with how I feel on the inside. Except for my belly, ah yes, the belly.

I can see it so easily and have had to interact with it in the whole fastening of the pants process, or have so many times cursed it in that shirt, or that bathing suit or that dress for oh so very long... oh yes, of all of me, I do have some rather long term tactile and visual knowledge of the belly. I have poked it disparingly a bazillion times-- and not just with needles! It is one of my favorite places to hang many of my issues with self esteem, body image, and that horrible feeling of who the hell put That there sort of like the intersection where my butt meets up with my legs and how did it go from being one crease to three when I wasn't looking!?! But I digress...
So, it was from that place of hyperfamiliarity and with an OH! feeling that I recognized the suddden change.

Gosh I am only in the middle of week 7 and with a pea sized sprout and a papaya sized uterus-- so it is not as if I am about to pop out a lovely bump anytime soon. I am simply in the beginning of the thickening stage. I knew it would happen sometime in the next few weeks if all goes well since I'd read about it and heard about it, but I did not know what that would be like-- could not quite imagine it really-- and now, at least, I know how it will begin: Suddenly.