My relationship with depression is a bad one, not my own depression, but knowing the devastation that it can wreck. So the mere fact of it makes me feel out of control and scared. Really scared. I am trying to remind myself that this is temporary, that, oddly, it is a good sign, that means things are still happening, that progesterone has depression as a side effect, that it does not last all day all the time all bad all deep all dark-- it waxes and wanes. It is worst when I wake up and when I allow myself to get too tired or when I fight the tired with myriad shoulds (should vacuum, should work in the garden, should take a walk, should should should).
I am still having some cramping (mostly at night) but it is not awful. And I am having moments of queasy what-the-fuck-ness. But they are not awful either. The main thing I am feeling is bad. Just emotionally and physically dragged down. I hate this, since it is counter productive and counter intuitive, and really, who hears about this ever? Post partum depression, sure-- but prenatal?
As I said it is not constant. I am fine right now for example (once I stopped fighting the tired and the shoulds and came in and put my feet up). But I wanted to write about it just in case you know someone who knows someone who needs to know they're not alone.
I am aware of worrying more when I am blue, find myself worrying that things have stopped progressing, that my next ultrasound in a week and a half (GOOD LORD PEOPLE) is going to be bad news... I get worked down (not up-- it is not a high energy state)-- it is more like a feeling of heavy resignation than agitation.
So I am managing all of this weirdness by trying to keep my blood sugar up a little more consciously/conscientiously, by trying to remember this is a very good sign, and reframing it as my particular brand of morning sickness. But shit folks, I am starting to dread mornings.