26 April 2009

blue mornings

I realize that while I am lucky in that I do not have debilitating nausea-related morning sickness (for which I am grateful)- I am really having a hard time with the blueness and exhaustion-- specially in the morning. I have done a great job overall reframing them as kind reminders for me to take is slowly and easily and I am trying to pay attention to when I need to slow down-- But I woke this morning feeling like SUCH SHIT that it scared me- that kind of blue, that kind of tired.  

My relationship with depression is a bad one, not my own depression, but knowing the devastation that it can wreck. So the mere fact of it makes me feel out of control and scared. Really scared.  I am trying to remind myself that this is temporary, that, oddly, it is a good sign, that means things are still happening, that progesterone has depression as a side effect, that it does not last all day all the time all bad all deep all dark-- it waxes and wanes. It is worst when I wake up and when I allow myself to get too tired or when I fight the tired with myriad shoulds  (should vacuum, should work in the garden, should take a walk, should should should). 

I am still having some cramping (mostly at night) but it is not awful. And I am having moments of queasy what-the-fuck-ness. But they are not awful either. The main thing I am feeling is bad. Just emotionally and physically dragged down.  I hate this, since it is counter productive and counter intuitive, and really, who hears about this ever?  Post partum depression, sure-- but prenatal?  

As I said it is not constant. I am fine right now for example (once I stopped fighting the tired and the shoulds and came in and put my feet up). But I wanted to write about it just in case you know someone who knows someone who needs to know they're not alone.

I am aware of worrying more when I am blue, find myself worrying that things have stopped progressing, that my next ultrasound in a week and a half (GOOD LORD PEOPLE) is going to be bad news...  I get worked down (not up-- it is not a high energy state)-- it is more like a feeling of heavy resignation than agitation.  

So I am managing all of this weirdness by trying to keep my blood sugar up a little more consciously/conscientiously,  by trying to remember this is a very good sign, and reframing it as my particular brand of morning sickness.  But shit folks,  I am starting to dread mornings.


Anonymous said...

oh kate...prenatal depression exists, too. the academic center i'm affiliated with has a whole women's depression center that specializes in pre/post natal depression, as well as depression related to TTC and ALI. I went to them 3 years ago, actually, and felt really weird about it at first until they told me how "normal" it was.

i say talk to someone. especially if you have a history with depression. my friend, who has a history of depression and post partum depression went to special counseling throughout her last pregnancy and said it helped a ton. seriously.

okay. off of soapbox now. :)

just read your last post, too, and i totally get you!


IVF 40+ said...

Oh sounds crappy. I have no proof but how can pregnancy not cause depression and anxiety in someone that wants it so much? It becomes a heavy burden (no pun intended) since we feel totally responsible and yet totally out of control. I say take the AA approach. One day at a time. And rest as much as is humanly possible - that will help counteract the progesterone injections (at least that was what I was told). Lots of water too. And chocolate cake (just a slice).
Thinking of you babe.

onwardandsideways said...

Did not know progesterone causes depression, but I'm not surprised. I have had some bouts of 'blueness' too... particularly when I am feeling really exhausted and want to sleep all day. Which isn't every day, but has happened more than once.

Personally, I have found that eating loooots of protein seems to keep me more even-keeled. You might try that along with the extra sugar.

I'm jonesin' for my 10wk u/s too. Wish it could be sooner. Hang in there. It's a good sign that we've made it this far already.

Anonymous said...

Definetaly keep an eye on your mood (I know, its impossible not to). I think it is fairly common during pregnancy, especially if you have a history of depression. I myself am in my 15th week of pregnancy after 4 IVFs and was feeling pretty darn depressed during the first trimester (I have a history of depression). Just know that there are safe meds to take out there if you end up needing them. Hope you start feeling better!

What IF? said...

Kate, you're not alone. The exhaustion messes with one's mind, and the drugs don't help.

Then there's the out-of-controlness, the coming to terms with pg after infertility, the fear and anxiety about whether it will all work out in the end, and on and on we go. Take care of yourself, forget about all the shoulds and just rest.

Oh, and drinking more water has definitely helped ease the cramping.

I hear the fatigue lifts around 11-12 weeks, so I'm living for that! for now, just take it very easy and try to listen to your body.

bb said...

Hi Kate,sorry to hear that you are feeling blue sometimes but I can see from all the other comments that you are not alone and it is very normal, most especially normal after dealing with IF as well I would think. It just never ends with that does it?

Thanks for your encouragement over at my blog. I appreciate it and while I haven't been commenting much, I am still here! Take care and happy spring to you too!

Anonymous said...

Hey Kate - I hear what you're saying. I see lots have commented on the blues so I'll make this all about how much mornings SUCK HARD these days. Totally with you on that. Dread every last one. I can only believe it gets better. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

You go, Kate!!! Size of blueberry is awesome and I think the out of control, learning to adapt part of pregnancy is part of what prepares us for the odyssey of parenthood. I still haven't told work so my stomach is getting a workout from all the sucking in :).

Thinking of you and cheering all the way :) J