15 April 2009

reality and dandelion seeds

I kinda feel like an ass admitting this, but I trust you folks and want to put it out there I guess.

To be honest, this mainly does not feel real.

I know, I know, I know, gosh we worked hard to get here. Gosh that was a lot of injections...and a lot of this and that and the other thing, and more than a lion's share of luck... but it really does not feel real.

I still look like me, still feel like me only more tired and with occasional waves of car sickness (what a great description from one of my internet posse)-- some pretty persistent (but thankfully low grade) crampiness.
I swear if it were not for the drama of the twice daily progesterone suppositories and their attendant intestinal oddnesses, I would feel,


decidedly non pregnant.

I am not sure what I expected. Flowers and gold dust maybe, angels singing (maybe I just can' t hear them)-- I thought that by seeing the little one it would help make it all feel more real, or seeing the heart beat, or allowing myself to buy some luscious belly oil.... but really, no.

I hate saying this.

I want to say I am all blissed out and mired in the right now experience of Finally Being Pregnant.

But it goes unnoticed for hours, and then I re-remember. And I am so surprised. But even then it does not feel like it is happening to me. It just doesn't. I want it to be immediate: HERE, RIGHT NOW, GROWING INSIDE ME. I feel awe and immense humbleness because of what I know is happening. But I do not feel that it is happening to me.

I guess I wanted to put this out there, since I expected to be overcome with abiding joy (not really abiding, but the kind where you can't stop grinning). Or even relief. Or excitement. And instead I have a feeling of..... well.... I guess I don't know. A very cautious and intellectual sort of optimism with a liberal sprinkling of emotional distancing.

Hope is such a fucker-- we get so driven forward by what we want and that is so incredibly intense. Then finally FINALLY here we are and...

I worry, gosh I worry about things going wrong, or how the hell I will deal with my nutty boss, or the horrible tug of war about needing to work and just wanting to be able to stay home...
and I was so scared about what we might see during the scan that before the ultrasound I cried and cried.

This worry, and all these the various fears-- well, in many ways I find those are my most tangible connections to this incredible miraculous process taking part inside me.

Your enthusiasm, your celebrations, your congratulations, those are keeping me emotionally connected to this in ways I do not seem to be able to maintain on my own.

It all feels so fragile. And it is so scary. Like, yeah, so, for now maybe, but then what? Look at all than can go wrong! So maybe this feeling of separateness from this process is in some way self protective. Like if I allowed myself to feel all that is really there, maybe I would be overwhelmed.

Someone else recently mentioned PSTD when it comes to infertility issues, and I wonder how much that has to do with so much of what we all go through.

Because I am kate, I spent some time yesterday doing visualization, and also asking the little one to help me connect. I immediately imagined dandelion seeds, one in particular, lofting in an unseen breeze, and the question came right that very moment-- I asked, are you the seed? or the breeze? Am I trying to hold something unholdable right now? Like light? Like air? Like all the things we wish for?


Searching for Serenity said...

Your feelings and thoughts are all so very normal for and IFer. I've experienced and read about this over and over. I'm still waiting for my moment of gold dust and angels singing.

One day at a time.

onwardandsideways said...

Well, I'd say not only are you pregnant, but you are also very normal. I could have written this post. Every time I remember that I'm not 'feeling' pregnant, I freak out. Sometimes I forget it. The mild m/s I get is always a joy. As in, right now I have it, and I'm not eating because feeling it makes me feel pregnant. Only an IFer could understand that, lol.

You will get there. Try to trust and follow that tried and true 'PUPO' school of thought. You are pregnant. Right now. Nothing as matters and you will deal with anything that comes your way. Which in my opinion, is going to be a beautiful baby sometime in November/December.

Have you tried drinking lots (and I mean LOTS) of water for the crampiness? It has worked wonders for me, and I hear us preggos are supposed to really up the H20 intake.

IVF 40+ said...

your thoughtfulness is so inspiring. You are an awesome mum.

Grade A said...

Thanks for your post. Just had a good cry while I penned my own feelings about this very same topic. I bet if you had a special mirror, you would see the gold dust.

cady said...

i have written this kind of post myself. i don't feel pregnant either, especially when the symptoms go on break, as they are right now. i'm waiting anxiously for the point where my body will start changing and i *will* feel pregnant. i told a friend today that i want the morning sickness and the cramps and the sore boobs to stay because at least i know something's going on in there!

Nic said...

I am sure this is normal. As time goes on you will begin to show and then as your pregnancy progresses you will feel kicks and movements! It will sink in eventually, dont worry. You have had such a long journey to get here and I think your mind and body is trying to protect you from potential hurt and worry. It wont allow you to believe at the moment but this will come with time. Keep looking at your scan and telling yourself you have a baby in your belly!!!

Anonymous said...

I hate what the struggle does to us sometimes - strips that giddy joy from us.

Feel what you need to feel - it is all okay. ((HUGS))

Sarah and Family said...

Take advantage of the relative quiet. You can draw on this later. Just being with what is is enough. There is no right or wrong way to feel. This can be such a
crazy dance between expectations and the reality of the present moment. Just for the record at no point in my almost twelve years of parenthood have I felt just what I expected to feel.

Elizabeth said...

Well -- you've heard it already but I can pile on and say: I felt very similarly. My biggest connection to the whole process for a while (besides the daily shots and vitamins) was being just totally terrified that something would go wrong. Plus, I was working all the time, and traveling for work, and like everyone else, I have sort of a stressful job. . .and DH was really sick. . .blah, blah. I didn't allow myslef to get excited or really do anything until after the 16 week or so scans came back saying: creature looks healthy. Shortly after that I could feel him move (felt the baby move for the first time in the elevator at the cancer center accompanying DH to chemo), and that helped too. But, really, I had a hard time connecting to the reality of it all and I don't know if that was the IVF or just me. But, it ended well, and I think it will for you too. You way to come to grips with this now doesn't predict your feelings once you meet your small one in person, that was my story anyway. (I also got some books about the "science" of pregnancy and tried to think every day about how the creature was growing, and that was helpful too.)

K said...

It's ok to pinch yourself, (not too hard!). Go ahead...pinch..it's real. Your real. :)

alyssa said...

no pinching, you bruise as easily as i do.

honestly, sweetkate, you know how i suffer with thoughts cycling (hah) in my head, good and bad, and there are times when i just want to get REALLY! EXCITED! but i try to keep the ones i allow myself to process to the ones that wouldn't break my heart if they didn't.

i think you need to give yourself some time to think about it every xx hours, then totally focus elsewhere. there will be plenty of time for excitement later