I kinda feel like an ass admitting this, but I trust you folks and want to put it out there I guess.
To be honest, this mainly does not feel real.
I know, I know, I know, gosh we worked hard to get here. Gosh that was a lot of injections...and a lot of this and that and the other thing, and more than a lion's share of luck... but it really does not feel real.
I still look like me, still feel like me only more tired and with occasional waves of car sickness (what a great description from one of my internet posse)-- some pretty persistent (but thankfully low grade) crampiness.
I swear if it were not for the drama of the twice daily progesterone suppositories and their attendant intestinal oddnesses, I would feel,
decidedly non pregnant.
I am not sure what I expected. Flowers and gold dust maybe, angels singing (maybe I just can' t hear them)-- I thought that by seeing the little one it would help make it all feel more real, or seeing the heart beat, or allowing myself to buy some luscious belly oil.... but really, no.
I hate saying this.
I want to say I am all blissed out and mired in the right now experience of Finally Being Pregnant.
But it goes unnoticed for hours, and then I re-remember. And I am so surprised. But even then it does not feel like it is happening to me. It just doesn't. I want it to be immediate: HERE, RIGHT NOW, GROWING INSIDE ME. I feel awe and immense humbleness because of what I know is happening. But I do not feel that it is happening to me.
I guess I wanted to put this out there, since I expected to be overcome with abiding joy (not really abiding, but the kind where you can't stop grinning). Or even relief. Or excitement. And instead I have a feeling of..... well.... I guess I don't know. A very cautious and intellectual sort of optimism with a liberal sprinkling of emotional distancing.
Hope is such a fucker-- we get so driven forward by what we want and that is so incredibly intense. Then finally FINALLY here we are and...
I worry, gosh I worry about things going wrong, or how the hell I will deal with my nutty boss, or the horrible tug of war about needing to work and just wanting to be able to stay home...
and I was so scared about what we might see during the scan that before the ultrasound I cried and cried.
This worry, and all these the various fears-- well, in many ways I find those are my most tangible connections to this incredible miraculous process taking part inside me.
Your enthusiasm, your celebrations, your congratulations, those are keeping me emotionally connected to this in ways I do not seem to be able to maintain on my own.
It all feels so fragile. And it is so scary. Like, yeah, so, for now maybe, but then what? Look at all than can go wrong! So maybe this feeling of separateness from this process is in some way self protective. Like if I allowed myself to feel all that is really there, maybe I would be overwhelmed.
Someone else recently mentioned PSTD when it comes to infertility issues, and I wonder how much that has to do with so much of what we all go through.
Because I am kate, I spent some time yesterday doing visualization, and also asking the little one to help me connect. I immediately imagined dandelion seeds, one in particular, lofting in an unseen breeze, and the question came right that very moment-- I asked, are you the seed? or the breeze? Am I trying to hold something unholdable right now? Like light? Like air? Like all the things we wish for?