surfacing

Gosh, I don't read for a few days and what do I find? Onwardandsideways is pregnant! How cool is that! She has a shitty cycle experience at one of the big clinics and it seems to have worked in spite of all of that!

So, I am surfacing to say that I've got another beta tomorrow- keeping my fingers crossed that my newly sore nipples (sorry David) and my twingey uterus are good signs. And good lord I am tired. And this afternoon I was so hungry I could have gnawed my own leg. Then later, my mouth filled with saliva so fast, in a kate-bouche-font way if you will, completely unbiddden.. and I realized, oh yeah, at least in this moment things are different.

I was so sure that I'd dreamed all of this I did pee on a stick on tuesday, but then refrained yesterday (I think a good beta was enough) and have not done it today. So maybe these little twinges and changes and awarenesses are enough to have me thinking that something just may be happening in there.

But to be honest I can't quite believe it. I keep re-discovering it-- and it does not feel real at all. It feels dreamy and distant.  I know that this is sometimes how I cope- with a little distance, off and to the left and back a little. But I want to be present for this. I want to wallow in the wonder of it.  Wonder and I are well acquainted.  And I do have some moments of WHOA... and I hold my hand over my belly and just marvel at what must be happening in there. I am so used to doing-- injecting, planning, mixing, getting scanned, making appointments, driving... as I was commenting on some blogs tonight I realized that I suck at just being. Shouldn't I be doing something? Um... apparently not.

I spit in the face of the devil today, I released our appointment slot with CCRM that was for next week-- but I also asked the kind person there to keep our records just in case. She said she would. Yup, sure am. Hedging my bets.