18 April 2009


Today started with bright clear warm sun, but by 9am clouds came in so thick and fast it was as if someone pulled the curtains shut. I wanted it to be warm and tried to dress the part, but ended up in a sweater and jacket, and was only warm enough to take it off in the car.
As the day wore on, it rained just a few raindrops, just a little on and off, but never truly rained-- so the earth is dry right now and between the dry earth and all the downed limbs from the ice storm, we have brush fire warnings all around the state.

It is pretty bleak looking here still-- no trees budding yet, no real greening except some patches of moss and the finger length leaves of the iris that have bravely pushed up in the garden. But mostly it is a time of texture, of rough bark, and dried leaves, and branches at every angle. But the snow is finally gone from the back yard as of last wednesday, so I know spring is coming.

Disbelief still reigns.
I realized that while I was so wrapped up in TRYING to get pregnant, I did not spend much time imagining what it would be like to BE pregnant. And maybe that is just as well, since as so many folks have pointed out, it is never what you imagine anyway. But still I guess this persistent disbelief was not what I imagined. I imagined more awareness, more awe. 
But I also know it is early yet and I still have plenty-o-things I am Worried about.  If we go by what the doc said at the ultrasound on monday (6w2d), I guess today is the start of week 7. 

I can tell my body is accommodating. I have continued to have reassuring cramps (even though I've been drinking LOTS of water) and have learned to welcome them as evidence of something good-- have sporadic moments of hmmmm, that vague rocky carsickishness, but mostly I am aware that something is going on when I laugh (I have a big loud laugh that leaps out) or when I sneeze (um, I have a big loud sneeze that leaps out)-- when these things happen, the tendons right inside my hipbones pull tight in a very ouchy way-- they also do it if I twist as I turn in bed, of if I try to sit up too quickly. I am learning to move slowly, and hold on if I sneeze. There is no cure for the laughter and I hope there never is.

On a more psychological note, I am having crazy ass body image bullshit going on where I simply HATE how my body looks, as if I have the worst PMS ever. We've tried to take some "before I show" photos, you know, just in case this actually works out-- but I swear I simply cannot stand how my belly looks right now. A sudden insane dislike (I've never really liked it but this is crazy intense even for me). As for the whole kate, I find I feel more ok fully clothed or fully nekkid, but nothing in between.

And I am feeling a little fragile. I think it is hard to hold such a big secret, but it is also hard to share. I'll probably write more about this sometime.

And time is pulling a really weird stunt. Usually my life usually whizzes past in a wild galloping rush-and has been moving faster and faster as I get older- but these weeks since the decision to convert to IUI, these weeks of various types of waiting have just inched by. I feel like I've gained 6 months back. This is a totally unexpected gift, however oddly wrapped in anxiety, lunacy and disbelief. I love that time has slowed some, that this one week felt like three. 

So that's today. And I am grateful for all of it, even my belly. Still heartsick for some of my friends out there in the ether and hoping against hope that they will beat the odds since while some of this may be science, so much of it is magic. And I really want magic to win.


Anonymous said...

I think your line about the magic winning is so spot on.
And, I fully agree about the fully clothed or fully nekkid. What a strange journey this is.

Anonymous said...


IVF 40+ said...

your comment about feeling weird about your body is something I have read all over the place from 1st trimester women. Must be the hormones. In contrast, once the bump starts to show everyone goes crazy nutty loving their body! I say think of the 1st trimester as the decompression chamber - from the anxiety of getting preggers to becoming ok with it. We all need a buffer to happiness or we would get emotional shingles!!

Joannah said...

You write so beautifully. I really get the essence of who you are right now from this.

Wishing you a beautiful day, and the peace of mind to enjoy this gift you've been given.


onwardandsideways said...

I have a natural pudge to my belly. It always gets bigger when I stop working out. So I keep staring at the bulge I see, trying to figure out if it's fat or baby. I will say it has a firm-ish feel to it that I never had when just being out of shape.

Sounds like you are doing really well. I also get the occasional cramp/pulls and definitely the pulls when turning, coughing, getting up from the couch. I have to learn to go easier on my body, I keep forgetting I'm pregnant.

Wishing you continued good luck and smooth sailing!

What IF? said...

I read this post the day you wrote it, but didn't have a chance to comment then.

It was uncanny, because I had just had the realization that the pulling pain I feel when laughing (especially when I'm lying down) or the twisting motion when I get out of bed (or the car) must be from the pregnancy. And minutes later there was your post about the very same physical manifestation of pregnancy.

You'd think it's impossible after everything it took to get here, but I too am constantly forgetting that I'm pregnant. I wake up in the middle of the night as I twist and turn and go, "Oh yeah, wow, I'm pregnant!"