today

Today started with bright clear warm sun, but by 9am clouds came in so thick and fast it was as if someone pulled the curtains shut. I wanted it to be warm and tried to dress the part, but ended up in a sweater and jacket, and was only warm enough to take it off in the car.

As the day wore on, it rained just a few raindrops, just a little on and off, but never truly rained-- so the earth is dry right now and between the dry earth and all the downed limbs from the ice storm, we have brush fire warnings all around the state.

It is pretty bleak looking here still-- no trees budding yet, no real greening except some patches of moss and the finger length leaves of the iris that have bravely pushed up in the garden. But mostly it is a time of texture, of rough bark, and dried leaves, and branches at every angle. But the snow is finally gone from the back yard as of last wednesday, so I know spring is coming.

Disbelief still reigns.

I realized that while I was so wrapped up in TRYING to get pregnant, I did not spend much time imagining what it would be like to BE pregnant. And maybe that is just as well, since as so many folks have pointed out, it is never what you imagine anyway. But still I guess this persistent disbelief was not what I imagined. I imagined more awareness, more awe. 

But I also know it is early yet and I still have plenty-o-things I am Worried about.  If we go by what the doc said at the ultrasound on monday (6w2d), I guess today is the start of week 7. 

I can tell my body is accommodating. I have continued to have reassuring cramps (even though I've been drinking LOTS of water) and have learned to welcome them as evidence of something good-- have sporadic moments of hmmmm, that vague rocky carsickishness, but mostly I am aware that something is going on when I laugh (I have a big loud laugh that leaps out) or when I sneeze (um, I have a big loud sneeze that leaps out)-- when these things happen, the tendons right inside my hipbones pull tight in a very ouchy way-- they also do it if I twist as I turn in bed, of if I try to sit up too quickly. I am learning to move slowly, and hold on if I sneeze. There is no cure for the laughter and I hope there never is.

On a more psychological note, I am having crazy ass body image bullshit going on where I simply HATE how my body looks, as if I have the worst PMS ever. We've tried to take some "before I show" photos, you know, just in case this actually works out-- but I swear I simply cannot stand how my belly looks right now. A sudden insane dislike (I've never really liked it but this is crazy intense even for me). As for the whole kate, I find I feel more ok fully clothed or fully nekkid, but nothing in between.

And I am feeling a little fragile. I think it is hard to hold such a big secret, but it is also hard to share. I'll probably write more about this sometime.

And time is pulling a really weird stunt. Usually my life usually whizzes past in a wild galloping rush-and has been moving faster and faster as I get older- but these weeks since the decision to convert to IUI, these weeks of various types of waiting have just inched by. I feel like I've gained 6 months back. This is a totally unexpected gift, however oddly wrapped in anxiety, lunacy and disbelief. I love that time has slowed some, that this one week felt like three. 

So that's today. And I am grateful for all of it, even my belly. Still heartsick for some of my friends out there in the ether and hoping against hope that they will beat the odds since while some of this may be science, so much of it is magic. And I really want magic to win.