meeting in the middle

Sometimes you meet someone and it feels as if they are already familiar to you, a missing piece, some sort of recognition, some easy meshing of gears, yours to theirs. Words just spill and silences feel like comfort or possibility not like awkwardness.

Last night I got to meet someone I've liked for a very long time--long ago in the strange place that is the internet, I had stumbled on her blog somehow and found the most remarkable, honest, amazing, beautiful writing.

As I told her, her writing almost always knocks me flat and leaves me breathless-- Maya Stein was in town and we shared a couch and an hour of truly wonderful conversation--

I am lucky in that I do not get star struck exactly, I get almost the opposite-- star avoidance?

But Maya invited me, and I said yes. And as I walked barefoot and brave into the house, I found she is real and present and just simply wonderful to spend time with. I feel really lucky.

She's going around the country starting in September, taking her 10 line tuesdays work/play on the road for readings and workshops. I encourage you to keep your eyes open for a workshop or reading near you--I promise you, I promise, it will be worth it.

Thank you Maya!

22 weeks

22 weeks.

It was a day of contractions and wiggles and kicks and a nice long walk and a nice long lunch with a friend who is simply easy to be with... I laughed hard which was great, and it surprised me that it felt so unusual. I am a big loud laugher. And I guess the stresses of the past few weeks have made that a whole lot less likely, less easy- more of a surprise.

When things change, when I am in an uneasy transition like the one I have with work, I often lose touch with the parts of me that I like best. My big loud laugh, for example.

And I also lose touch with the things that help me feel grounded, help me stay present and centered, things that make me feel good. It's as if, in the melee, I simply forget what I know.

So today, time spent outside in the fresh air surrounded by trees, breathing, moving, talking.. and oh yes, laughing....

it feels so good to remember.

respite

So yesterday afternoon, the contractions slowed-- sure, I still had them, but not nearly as often, and had an almost ordinary evening. I went to the grocery, came home, did laundry, made myself dinner. As each contraction came, I noted the time, but the spacing was so far apart that I felt the knot inside my soul loosen.

Today, it was the same until about 2 hours ago, now they are more frequent again (every 15-20 minutes), but the break? By some miracle I felt myself heal in those spaces between contractions.

Today I got a call from the Dr's office, no urinary tract infection- so this is all about spasms.

This whole thing has made me wonder if folks who have colitis/IBS are more susceptible to irritable uterus. I wonder if the same sensitivity, the same predisposition to spasms makes it more likely.

I did add magnesium (slow mag) to my daily diet-- I do not get enough leafy greens. And my prenatal has only 1/3 the daily recommended dose, so I added just enough to be 100% of RDA-- two pills, just one in the morning one at night, that way at least I won't be making this worse by depletion.

So-- my soul feels better. Even with the return of the more frequent contractions, it's as if during that break, I got my feet under me somehow. I am not sure if this feeling will last, this improved calm, this feeling of almost-having-it-together-ness, but in this moment, I am grateful for the relief.

reassurance

First- thank you.

Thank you for your kindness- truly. Babysteps-- do you have a blog? if so please leave the address in a comment so we can offer you support --and Jamie, I am so sorry you had this for so long. It is truly exhausting emotionally. This means you were dealing with this when I met you and I am so sorry. I know I would not have understood but I would have been sympathetic. It is so darned hard.

I saw the doctor today and here's what I learned:

It is not the strength of these that counts, the back pain, etc, but the frequency-- the gating item, the trigger would be 5 or more per hour that persist after lying down and making sure I'm hydrated. Then I call, then they will see me.

Pre-term contractions (their term for this) are not the same thing as pre-term labor.

Pre-term contractions (or irritable uterus) are in no way related to incompetent cervix. (Mo, this is one of my biggest fears too after two D&Cs and an internet filled with scary stories).

These are incredibly common-- many women have them and don't even know it.

Today they swabbed me for fetal fibronectin -- which came back negative. (This awesome test indicates with high accuracy the probability of delivery in the next two weeks- negative means not much chance which is awesome).

They tested my urine for bacteria since apparently even a little can cause this to be worse--

results back in the next few days after culturing.

They looked at my cervix (yes, an internal peek even with my previa) and it is long and closed.

I told her I was worried about the internal because of my previa and had read that it was a terrible idea, and she said only if I am dilated. And I wasn't but she did not know that until she was in there... but it all turned out fine. No spotting even which surprised me.

My challenge is to manage my stress reaction, and to manage these contractions in a way that feels somewhat ordinary.

Baby steps-- if they don't see a change in the cervix, and in the absence of other bad things (bleeding, leaking fluid), they simply don't take action most of the time. For them it IS ordinary.

Online I read about folks with irritable uterus who are on bedrest, or on medications, on this and that-- and I do not think there is one universal truth-- but I do know this: they scare me, they wear me out and wear me down. I am so worried about losing this little one, having pre term labor so early would be unthinkably horrible. BUT she insisted that this is so normal as to be totally unalarming to them as doctors.

I agree with all of you-- I am trusting my guts and erring in the direction of caution- lying down when I need to to slow things down. Yes, even at work.

If lying down slows things, in some ways it is incredibly affirming of the fact that these are the irritation contractions, not the real thing.

Also, she said an active baby can cause more contractions- and my baby is active all right, so there's that.

And a full bladder can make it worse, so pee before you *have* to-- a totally obnoxious balance of massive hydration and a not-overfull bladder. Ha.

At the end of the exam, she did a nice thing: dopplered my little one and said the heartrate was "perfect"--- and when I asked about how to manage my anxiety, she told me that it was up to me to believe her or not about the ordinariness of the contractions. She has a point.

So I am reassured. I have a long closed cervix and a plan. I will try to learn to manage this with more objectivity than panic. I give myself a 50/50 chance of success with that, but this stress level sucks ass and I need to figure out how to manage it better and regain some semblance of my previous pseudo-zen.

Moonlight through the trees, and me? Off to bed.

squeezes

30 so far today

22 yesterday

they tire me out just by existing, make me stressed, worry me-- I am envisioning a long closed cervix, but really? I need to know.

So although I gave my OB office the day off today (called sunday and yesterday) tomorrow I will call again.

I am home and on the sofa and, in this moment, am not contracting. Delightful! It feels miraculous.

I had to lie down at work for a while yesterday and again today once I triggered the "if 5 an hour" criteria.... sucks to be on the ground this big but it helped both times. I am totally hydrated, nearly clear pee-- and peed every 15-20 minutes all day. So this is about horizontality. I also noticed I don't have them as often standing up.

I've read a lot about irritable uterus and I am the poster child-- wish I could say it is nice to be typical.

Anyway, I am in need of reassurance.

Impatient Kate, I know you dealt with this forever, I bow to your persistent sanity in spite of it-- anyone else out there with it now or who had it when...? How did you deal with it?

Anyone with irritable uterus plus previa? I am in want of good news not horror stories.

solstice, 21 weeks today

Contractions today, enough to scare me. 4 in one hour this evening as I was driving home from a wondrous if brief festival of sisterLove. Enough to have me talk with the OB on call (who, I kid you not, called back in 2 minutes, huzzah!)-- and enough to have me lying on my side, typing awkwardly, but reveling in no contractions now for two hours plus....

I'd like to say this about contractions-- they are so incredibly bizarre- an interior hardening, pulling inward, a sudden impenetrable bowling ball sort of solidity, pulling in and up on all of that stuff that, at least on me, does NOT want to be pulled.

Back pain sometimes, kidney pain sometimes as a bonus... and it sucks to have to drink so much water since the contractions happen more often when I have to pee and my bladder is full.

Clearly, I need to learn to stop and lie down. Drinking more water does not do it alone-- water in some ways makes it worse (see previous point), but I need to give myself permission to stop. Lie down. Relax. Oh this is very very hard for me. Feels like slacking.

I've been having contractions sporadically since the big low-down down-low pressure event of 6/10, but I did not realize it. My stomach is, indeed, mammoth, but most of the outer layers are displaced guts, fat, organs...not baby, not uterus. Not yet. So this is quite an internal experience. Discomfort, sure-- but I have had such multifaceted discomfort of late it was impossible for me to know what was what.

But now? now I know.

The OB told me the sporadic contractions are normal and not alarming (I scoff and retain my right to defcon 3 and even possibly defcon 2 alarmedness), apparently the ones that cluster are the ones that are worrisome. So I will remember to use the tools at my disposal, PERMISSION TO LIE DOWN.

Gosh kate, you can do this.

Doctor's orders.

I told Sarah, my beloved sister, that I fight with every iota of my being the medicalization/disability mentality of pregnancy as a medical condition, rather than a natural process, blah blah blah (this, with every hint of major irony from a chick knocked up via no natural process whatsoever), and I want to show (who?) that I can still DO EVERYTHING NORMALLY. This, of course, is total bullshit. I, for example, can no longer bend at the waist. BUT I want to. I want to try. I want to do. I want to drive long distances, sit in labs all day, stay upright. I want to show (who?) that I am not even remotely disabled by this, and am perfectly capable of carrying on as if I am ready for anything. Enter reality, stage right. Reality: Tough shit katekate. Suck it up.

Lightning bug on my windowsill right now.

Pardon me while I go revel in the magic of baby movements and lightning bugs.

Oh, yeah, and suck it up.

the slow reveal

So I think I've got the whole pelvic pain thing figured out-- parsed into 3 distinct categories:

• tendons/ligaments/connective tissue that are all just pissed off royally
• a sebaceous cyst - hurrah
• and a very very low baby+previa = massive pressure low

Yes, I called the doc, and yes I asked to be seen and no they didn't because they are truly unalarmed. Due to the baby position, the pressure I am feeling is not worrisome to them since it is totally expected from their perspective- and as long as there are no contractions, bleeding, seeping, or other misbehaviors, all is well. The doc I spoke with is the one who saw my ultrasound last week and is confident.

Me? I am not so confident, still worried, but I feel as if I can stand down from the worry a little, but not the vigilance (constant vigilance!) as if somehow by paying attention I can save myself.

Speaking of saving myself, please note my nifty new button click through thingy upper right taking you to my heartwork site. It is under construction (and conceptualization) but in want of readers-- it is an offshoot of my usual stuff, you're sure to recognize my voice there, just not much talk of pregnancy, crotch tendons, or IF stuff. I am hoping to use that space to focus on the broader act of creativity, being in the world, and things that bring me joy or move me in a direction of positivity.

You may see some echoes of things I have posted here--

Please check it out.

I hate wordpress but a friend says he will help with customization. If the site moves, I'll change the link with the button.

I wanted to wait until there was *more*, have a big reveal, but really? Life is a slow reveal, a fan dance anyway, so there you go.

I have just two posts up, and one skeletal page for an e-workshop in the works. Feedback is more than welcome-- please please please.

I came apart at work today, cried hard, and took some time to put my pieces back in the same bag-- I do not feel together but I feel gathered. It is a fine start. See, the thing about grief, no matter what kind, is that it bubbles and seethes, it does not just leave cleanly. And while I am good at coping, great at denial and diversion and redirection, I am mortal. My professional facade cracked. Sadness flooded faster than I could staunch the flow. I left work, drove home, cried enough, and then met a friend for dinner. See? I say to myself, see? I'm ok. And with the lump in my throat down to the size of a onion set, I can believe it to be true.

No, actually, I know it to be true. I can feel like shit and be ok and have both be true. I have enough room.