A month from now, if all goes well, I will have had a SUCCESSFUL (hear me now) egg retrieval. And maybe even a transfer.
Between now and then? This shitty waiting. A week of work. Then a business trip (when my period is going to be due, grand), a scary presentation to give (I am quite introverted in spite of toastmasters so this is very scary for me and my nervous belly)... then...with luck... we start.
So there will be next week. Then the next week. Then....
Just about 14 sleeps as one pink line would say..
I'm ok. Still in a tangle about the pushpull of the economy/job uncertainty and this grand plan that includes such big debt and such shitty odds. Still just worried about the outcome-- but hopeful. As we all are.
Some comments from sweet newly pregnant t made me realize something more concretely that I know I already knew:
this whole thing? it is not about innocent hope, blind faith, starry eyed optimism- oh no, it is about hope anyway, in spite of all we know, all we have experienced, all that we fear, and all that we have lost-- we do it anyway.
For me I mean this whole thing, every thing-
Like so many people, I know too much, have lost too much, fear the return of old hurts and new hurts that may come, but
I am doing this anyway. I am hopeful anyway.
scared yes. cautious yes. hopeful yes.. at least, mostly.