12 February 2009


Thank you for all of your sweet birthday wishes. 42 is a real pain in the ass for someone pursuing IVF. This is the cut off point for some clinics if you want to use your own eggs as I do. I am glad I am already in the queue.
A month from now, if all goes well, I will have had a SUCCESSFUL (hear me now) egg retrieval. And maybe even a transfer.
Between now and then?  This shitty waiting.  A week of work. Then a business trip (when my period is going to be due, grand), a scary presentation to give (I am quite introverted in spite of toastmasters so this is very scary for me and my nervous belly)... then...with luck... we start. 
So there will be next week. Then the next week. Then....
Just about 14 sleeps as one pink line would say..
I'm ok. Still in a tangle about the pushpull of the economy/job uncertainty and this grand plan that includes such big debt and such shitty odds. Still just worried about the outcome-- but hopeful. As we all are.
Some comments from sweet newly pregnant t made me realize something more concretely that I know I already knew:

this whole thing? it is not about innocent hope, blind faith, starry eyed optimism- oh no, it is about hope anyway, in spite of all we know, all we have experienced, all that we fear, and all that we have lost-- we do it anyway.

For me I mean this whole thing, every thing-

Like so many people, I know too much, have lost too much, fear the return of old hurts and new hurts that may come, but 
I am doing this anyway. I am hopeful anyway. 
scared yes.  cautious yes.   hopeful yes.. at least, mostly.


Sarah said...

and you know what? it's actually fine if you're just scared and cautious. my daughter is living proof that you don't even need hope at all. hope will not get you pregnant, so don't worry if that one's tenuous. hope can be a very flaky friend.

good luck with the presentation, i would be shakin in my boots too!

Joannah said...

Great post. I have hope. I have faith. But I also have the realization that not everything I set out for will come to fruition. My goal is to be content regardless of my circumstances. So, I press on!

I hope that this cycle brings you many good things, and all that you hope for.

Megan said...

I am starting my second IVF cycle too. I hope we are both successful. Good luck. I will be following along.

karen alonge said...

I am celebrating your birth.
(in every sense of the word!)


Elle said...

Totally agree with Sarah -- hope is not incompatible with worry. And worry is only natural with this process.

One step at a time.

Maredsous said...


So glad to hear you with such a positive grounded attitude. That is exactly what faith is.

Hope your trip goes well and that you do a superb job on your presentation.