Growing

Praise the doppler gods- it came, it works, and oh! the magnificence, the truly humbling awesomeness of hearing that little racing heart.

I am crampy and still spotting brown stuff with no fun to show for it-- just me, growing. And I think that is really what this is about, expansion, rampant capillary growth and minute damage, little traces of blood...

I hate it. Hate both the cramping and the brown scary stuff but I hope/know/feel that things are ok. I have to believe they are. I have to.

My belly is tight each evening, big and stretched tightly-- I can see that this will be an issue, to be this big, this early. No weight gained, no luscious breast growth, just me, and my biggering belly. Each morning it is smaller, so I know this is probably a trick of the slow moving bowels to maximize nourishment. But gosh darn, at night, it is mammoth.

When I lie down, and stay still a while, I can settle into normal. I do not feel the cramping as much sometimes, sometimes I do not feel the pull of taut skin. I just can be with the wonder of it, lie with my hand on my belly and talk to the little one, are you really in there? please be ok. there is much checking and imploring, but always with whispers as if I am afraid to ask too loudly. Now that I have seen it move, I imagine that. And now, now I know what the heartbeat sounds like, I lie there and imagine it. Mine? Snare drum. The little one? Maracas.

I woke in the middle of the night to the big big moon shining in so brightly it was a spotlight, an interrogation light, a searchlight... sharp shadows on the floor. I awoke when it was exactly south, exactly. All light and shadows pointing north as if they were painted on the floor by someone much more exacting than me....

then this morning, I woke to snow falling- big slow flakes, small ones, falling in no real rush, no crazy half rain, just snow. It collected for a while, then started melting as morning truly came, but I drove to work in snow, then into rain, and felt so sad I had not taken the time to catch snowflakes on my tongue, the last time this season probably, like I'd missed out, like I'd missed something important.

13w 1d all is well

"If I ask really nicely, would you look at my cervix?"

"Yes I would".

"Thank you".

A conversation I never thought I would have-- but hey-- so, the ultrasound? all is well. the little wiggler is wiggling up a storm, all looks perfectly on schedule, all is good, measurements, heart rate, etc.... nothing scary happening with latent or active bleeds, or placenta misbehaving or anything else praise the gods/goddess/all-that-is.

So after the ultrasound, I met with doc #3, Dr. L-- a guy I liked pretty much right away- firm handshake, congratulated us as he walked in the room. After he confirmed that the ultrasound had shown nothing scary and no cause for the bleeding, I asked if he would please look at my cervix. So he did. A million capillaries on the surface, just aching to be disrupted. yay. who designed this?

so then, he said, I am not telling you not to have, [um, unaccustomed activities (sorry dad)], but after all you've been through to get to this point..... he trailed off... then he said something scary about having seen miscarriage under such circumstances a few times in his many years so....

um...

yeah.

the good news? cervix looks good and CLOSED, nice mucus plug (yay mucus plug!)

and now, with this huge bit of reassurance that all is well, I now can allow myself to celebrate SECOND TRIMESTER!

HOOORAY and HOT DIGGITY!!!

now please pardon me while I go google 13 week growth of the little being and revel a bit.

fear? you have a time out.

monday ultrasound

fear really sucks ass.

I'm just sayin'.

So-- while I am feeling MUCH better, the brown stuff got more and more copious last night and this morning which just freaked me the fucq out. I called the OB office first thing this morning, spoke with someone who was kind, and one of the docs called me back a short while ago-- happily she is unalarmed. Thinks it is most likely due to some, shall we say, unaccustomed activities over the weekend. Often the brown goop shows up 3-5 days later freaking people out. Like me, for example. So.. even with that, I said, so you are sure it is nothing alarming? And she said, most likely it is nothing alarming, and the only way to know for sure is to take a look. I asked if I could come in, but the ultrasound person was leaving for the day so I have an appointment for monday afternoon- the earliest they could get me in. So although she said "I don't need to see you", I said, yeah well, I need to see you. So, there you go. 2pm monday. BallsyKate.

The doppler was ordered (amazon) on tuesday right after our good appointment and is en route. That will help me I know. So will the ultrasound.

So help me, this is really really hard. All of it. I keep waiting for the easier part. But I can hear my sweet sister-- this is good training.

Thank you for all of your sweet words. Serenity, thank you for your story, it sounds scary but made me feel a bit more ok-- I will try not to let the brown stuff panic me. At least, maybe, not quite so much.

salt over shoulder

So, after our fabulous and miraculous ultrasound we told everyone who needs telling that we could think of-- the big reveal- and, as it turns out, just like last time, I feel like I jinxed it.

My 36 hours of bliss passed this morning when I woke up and realized I already felt like shit. I felt really off. Insanely tired and icky and, well, off. This is usual for me at night but not morning. Morning = tired, and morning = needs food-- but nothing like this usually. So, me, being me, (I being I)...

I went to work-- made it about 20 minutes before I realized I was being really stupid---

then came home and got into bed. But not before noticing tan-ish mucus (sorry Dad) which I've had a few times this week.

So, I read a little, slept a little, and finally ate something mid afternoon.

Not sure what happened here- some sound theories about eating a banned substance (casein hidden in soy cheese) in sufficient quantity at last night's dinner to cause my body to rebel-- also maybe just not getting enough protein last night and not eating enough this morning.

And I know I am in a bleeding mode- bloody blood draw on tuesday, and bloody acupuncture-- so the mucus is probably just cervix stuff. But.... sheesh.

No matter why, I wish I had done two things differently: I wish I had stayed in bed this morning instead of trying to go to work, and I wish I had called the OB about the mucus and the change in ick pattern just for reassurance. I assure you, I will tomorrow.

Now? Off to bed.

Promise to do a better job posting soon.

12w2d all is well

So we go in and do the genetic counseling thing again- and, it turns out, it was good to do since we decided on sequential screening.

Then, ultrasound.

I was so nervous this morning I did not eat, could not swallow, was aware only of my pounding heart and fluttery insides. Felt like crap, like crying, like going back to bed.

But, in we go.

The tech? the one, of course, from our miscarriage.

Ah.

So, I did the right thing, the best thing, told her so- (she had recognized us)-- and asked for the fastest possible positive feedback.

Moving! She said, and we cried.

All in all, it was the best possible ultrasound

everything looks GREAT

(fingers! face! blessed heartbeat!)

dead baby dreams last night so I was a wreck.

NT 1.2mm which is awesome.

Baby measuring 13w 1d, little over achiever, and moving all over the place.

Magical

wonderment

we are in awe.

I came out at work. So now they know everything. And maybe more important,

now I can breathe.

I'll write more wedding stuff soon, but wanted to give you this happy (relieved) update.

Quiet

Sorry for the quiet. We've been busy with some last minute, spur of the moment plans.

It was so dang cold, but so lovely.

Size 6, my ass. Not.

11w 1d.

Still quite mired in the pooped-out-holy-crap-my-arms-are-leaden experience of early pregnancy. Intense feelings of crapiness, but again, no better reason in the world.

Wore maternity jeans all weekend which felt like pure bliss.

Fit note: old navy, WTF? thanks for taking my very clearly always size 10 kateness and making me a maternity size 6. Makes for much sending of stuff back and forth. Size 6 my ass.

But the shirts? TINY. silly tiny. doll tiny. not sure what is up with that. gave up with old navy tops.

The jeans, boot cut, low, worn in feeling/looking, stretchy but not messy, $25. I bought short, I am 5'4".

Found one great, basic t-shirt at gap online, a little tight in the arms but how great to tent over The Belly-- basic V neck with stretch, short sleeve, comes in 3 colors (knock yourself out gap)-- black, white, and kelly green. I got white. 12.50. Ordered another. The long sleeve version is only available in black and white and not white in my size (M). SO help me, if I were independently wealthy, I'd design and sell basic clothes in many colors. They have a cute overstiched u neck t-shirt in great colors-- a great purple-- whose fabric is so clingy and thin that you can see the details of my inny belly button without trying. Not recommended unless you are into that sort of thing. Soft soft soft, but dang. 19.50. Might sleep in it.

Since I am not out at work yet, I do this trick with an elastic band on my ordinary pants-- around the button through the button hole twice and back around the button. I know that soon I will not be doing that second wrap through the hole-- it is easy, simple, works, stretches since The Belly grows during the day, shrinks back over night....

Started worrying about the little one for no good reason other than it has been a week since my last reassuring glimpse and I am feeling so worried about my heart should anything bad happen-- I feel *almost there*, almost into the second trimester-- just a few more weeks, right? But being almost there makes me fear the universe's cruelty. I know you know what I mean.

I have a tilted uterus, so now, at week 11, do you think I might have luck with a doppler? Or should I wait? Anyone out there similarly tipped who can advise?

And spring! magnolia buds are cracked open enough to see pink...

frost due tonight though

peas to plant in a sunny spot on the south side...

things are greening up, budding out, maples dropping their red blossoms... the sun is warm even when the wind is cold like today-- it feels hopeful, it really does.

the other morning the sky was moving so fast, clouds whipping by up there, holes of blue dragged across behind the trees.... it always amazes me when the sky moves like that and I am sitting in stillness, trees at rest, no roaring wind.

I miss my magical hikes, but they are inherently darned strenuous for fit-not-pregnant kate, so they are off-limits until I have the little one in a pack-- I look forward to maybe trying yoga again soon (I cut out everything since all of my energy has been simply gone)-- but now, psychologically I am feeling ready to move, at least a little, and I hope my body begins to want to too....

Sorry I've dropped so low and have been so quiet and so off-line- I hope to resurface soon. But for now, quiet, low, slow all seem to be necessary not optional.

Happy

Mo just got the best news ever-- and my heart is a Very Happy Heart right now.

Scheduled our NT scan for the 20th (which will be at 12w2d ifallgoeswell), scared about it, eager to have it over with. Will not see the good doc that day at all, just genetic counseling (yet again), ultrasound, blood draw. Results will be sent to my OB (my what? holycrap) in 3-7 days. Hope it is closer to 3. Hope more than anything it is good news.

Yesterday morning, awake at 3:15, tossed turned twitched until 4:30 or so... then, lying there with windows open, I heard an Owl calling! I had not yet heard it (my darlin' has)-- it was wonderful. I am not sure what is happening to sleep, wake at 3ish, stay awake, wide awake for an hour or more, then dream crazyassdreams of uncomfortable things like not-favorite-exes and then last night, giving birth but having no memory of it whatsoever. The dreams are completely nutty, scattered, filled to overflowing oddness.

I did not mention, but I stopped progesterone last saturday. My body does not miss it (white plasticky flecked goop), and there've been no changes at all to my symptoms. So I am hopeful all is well.

Today is oddly hot and humid. The snow just left my back yard saturday, and these iris bulbs I planted last fall came up and burst open into the most beautiful purple flowers about 4" off the ground. Everywhere else is gray and brown, a million textures waiting for a hint of green, but the iris? Stunning. The cool thing is that I bought full sized ones, so this early bloom, these tiny gems, are a complete surprise. Not what I wanted or expected but exactly what was needed.

10w 1d

and all is amazingly wonderfully well.

How odd to talk about "normal" OB stuff, pregnant lady stuff, fatigue, breasts, feelings of barfiness....

no mention of dead or dying babies, no dire percentages, no words of warning or bated breath, just.... you're pregnant, here's what to expect, here's what to avoid...

In fact, now our chances of a dire outcome are less than 5%

and in two weeks, at the 1st trimester screening, if all is well, there'll be less than 1% chance of a dire outcome...

Standing at the edge of the woods in COMPLETE DISBELIEF and awe, really.

Wonder.

I saw our little one move

saw arm buds

saw heart flickering

cursed the shit ultrasound that OBs have versus the hubble telescope imaging of the RE's office...

But, yeah

there's this HUGE separation between what I see on the screen and what I can imagine happening inside me right this very moment. Cognitive dissonance. I see it up there, know it to be true, feel relief and astonishment, but to imagine That, in Me, right now, right now, it is almost more than I can comprehend.

I left the freebies in the bathroom at the Dr office, not quite ready to tempt fate so blatantly with a diaper bag filled with formula propaganda. But I did swipe a free fit pregnancy. Imagining, someday, I will be able to actually exercise (gently) again in some form that is more widely recognized than toothbrushing.

So, nuchal fold etc in two weeks at the MFM I really like but who was, unfortunately, the very same guy who was there the day we discovered our missed miscarriage. I hoped not to return there, but will since he is a great guy and know we are in good hands. I am just hoping/expecting out outcome will be (already is) a whole, hell of a lot better this time around.

(holy shit folks, I'm pregnant)

ultramarathon

So I am still relieved from monday's ultrasound and it is well past the usual 36 hour zone of peace and tranquility.

The last time (the only other time) we did a 9w ultrasound (last year) we discovered our missed miscarriage, so for us, this was particularly symbolic and really scary. So to see everything looking well felt simply miraculous.

My urologist visit yesterday was actually great, and I cannot believe I am writing this sentence.

The guy and I are in complete agreement-- if no need to intervene, don't. So we aren't. But. Kidney stones are more common in pregnancy, and I do have some more, and it is more common to pass them (higher volume of urine, larger ureters). So, he told me I need to be prepared for more episodes, more trips to the ER, maybe..... and unless there is an obstruction, an infection, or uncontrollable/persistent pain, the treatment is usually conservative which is to say, heavy narcotics and anti nausea meds as needed. If the other bad stuff happens, then stents would be considered but they are not without their own risks, complications and downsides.

Then, I met with my GP for my previously scheduled annual physical, and she said, ohmygosh look at your cute belly! It's really popped right out!

Yup. see me nekkid, you can't miss it. See me clothed? You would suspect a serious long term doughnut binge. She is a great person and I feel so incredibly lucky to have her as my doctor. She really gets me, and that matter to me so much. And, I just truly like her. She is a family medicine person and will be my baby doctor too (she said yes!).

Me, how am I... tired enough to feel sick with it. I know it is good, I KNOW it, it is just hard. Like a fatigue ultramarathon. But sunday we are at week 10. Week 10. I am so hopeful now I worry about my heart. And ifallgoeswell, a few more weeks maybe and the acute debilitating exhaustion may wane a little, taking with it the nausea... which would be great. I will not miss either one (if I have a working doppler).

The exhausting weekend last weekend knocked the stuffing out of me. And I am having a hard time just realizing that I need to be even more gentle, go even slower, expect a little less...