23 April 2010

monday ultrasound

fear really sucks ass.
I'm just sayin'.

So-- while I am feeling MUCH better, the brown stuff got more and more copious last night and this morning which just freaked me the fucq out. I called the OB office first thing this morning, spoke with someone who was kind, and one of the docs called me back a short while ago-- happily she is unalarmed. Thinks it is most likely due to some, shall we say, unaccustomed activities over the weekend. Often the brown goop shows up 3-5 days later freaking people out. Like me, for example. So.. even with that, I said, so you are sure it is nothing alarming? And she said, most likely it is nothing alarming, and the only way to know for sure is to take a look. I asked if I could come in, but the ultrasound person was leaving for the day so I have an appointment for monday afternoon- the earliest they could get me in. So although she said "I don't need to see you", I said, yeah well, I need to see you. So, there you go. 2pm monday. BallsyKate.

The doppler was ordered (amazon) on tuesday right after our good appointment and is en route. That will help me I know. So will the ultrasound.

So help me, this is really really hard. All of it. I keep waiting for the easier part. But I can hear my sweet sister-- this is good training.

Thank you for all of your sweet words. Serenity, thank you for your story, it sounds scary but made me feel a bit more ok-- I will try not to let the brown stuff panic me. At least, maybe, not quite so much.


Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

Glad the doc was reassuring, but sorry that you have to wait until Monday for the u/s. I agree, fear sucks! Big hugs!!

sprogblogger said...

Yeah. The fear sucks ass, and that's all there is to it. I think your doc's explanation sounds like a good one, but that still doesn't help with the terror. And GOOD for you for sticking up for what you need. Thinking of you!

Elle said...

Good for you for asking for what you need. And your doctor's explanation fits with my experience, for what it's worth.

The doppler is such a good idea. Try not to worry too much if you can't find the heartbeat right away. I couldn't the first weekend, and freaked out, and the heartbeat that couldn't be found is beating away right now up in his crib.

So cool that you're exactly a year after me -- I keep remembering the things I was feeling a year ago (physically and emotionally) and wondering if Kate is feeling them too.

hil said...

The fear is alot to handle. Even now that I'm 31 weeks, it has not stopped; it has let up a bit. I have not had a "dead baby dream" for a few months and those made it harder. Something always seemed to pull me back in to the uncertainty: subchorionic hematoma, scattered contractions, a no consequences-possible abnormality on 20 week ultrasound. I could never seem to let it go.

So I've shifted my focus to birth. Not 24 weeks, not 36 weeks, but holding this boy and hearing him cry. That's my finish line. It has spread out the fear more, like a thin layer of peanut butter on my toast. (I respond to visual imagery). Then I try to take each day, movement and plant it in my mind. I try to feel each of these things as sustenance.

May your ultrasound come quickly and be beautiful.

Searching for Serenity said...

A little bit of reassurance goes a long way.

BallsyKate - Would love to read more about her! Sounds like she can kick some ass.

This too shall pass and it will be replaced with other things to worry about. Just last night I returned to bed after checking on Nugget and still wasn't convinced I'd heard him breathing. What did I do? I marched back in to his room and put my hand in front of his nose. *Warmth* I have a feeling I'll be doing this until the day he leaves for college.

Cheers to a quick and worryfree weekend!

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Those unaccustomed activities are both more problematic and more outstanding during pregnancy than during any other time. The ratio of problematic to outstanding varies throughout, fyi.

Phoebe said...

Thanks for your kind comment on my blog recently. BTW, I would not worry about brown after aforementioned activities. Hang in there!

Kate said...

Glad the reassurance is on iys way - hope the doppler arrives soon!

It is what it is said...

As you've learned from Sprogblogger, the Doppler will go A LONG way toward giving you reassurance inbetwixt.

Will be anxiously awaiting your routine, with all things looking good u/s on Monday.

K said...

Well....I would love to tell you that it gets easier at some point. But in my case, it never did. I think I just found more ways to cope. And I think that we IFers are predisposed to copious amounts of anxiety anyway, that never seems to get in check, no matter how hard we try. I will say that I had brown stuff from time to time and was given the same assurance. I also had red blood daily for almost 8 weeks. My friend with happy healthy IVF twins bled for 22 weeks. I think there are varying degrees of normal for all of us and you will settle in to whatever yours is.
So when did I start to feel a bit better? Seriously, when I stopped googling every little symptom. And I started to really see the anxiety reduction at 28 weeks. Sit tight.....one day at a time.

Nic said...

I am sorry that you are having brown stuff. Monday afternoon is nearly here, I hope all is ok

babyinterrupted said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow - here's to enough reassurance to last for awhile. At least until the doppler comes. :)

Elizabeth said...

Hey -- thinking of you today and hoping all goes well (and expecting it to, as if that makes a difference in feelings or outcomes).

With love,

Michele said...

Oh Kate... I am so sorry that I am so far behind and havent been here to support you as I should have been. You have been in my thoughts nonstop, as has your little bundle, even if I havent been able to pop on here and tell you in person.

Sending loving thoughts...