28 April 2010

Growing

Praise the doppler gods- it came, it works, and oh! the magnificence, the truly humbling awesomeness of hearing that little racing heart.

I am crampy and still spotting brown stuff with no fun to show for it-- just me, growing. And I think that is really what this is about, expansion, rampant capillary growth and minute damage, little traces of blood...

I hate it. Hate both the cramping and the brown scary stuff but I hope/know/feel that things are ok. I have to believe they are. I have to.

My belly is tight each evening, big and stretched tightly-- I can see that this will be an issue, to be this big, this early. No weight gained, no luscious breast growth, just me, and my biggering belly. Each morning it is smaller, so I know this is probably a trick of the slow moving bowels to maximize nourishment. But gosh darn, at night, it is mammoth.

When I lie down, and stay still a while, I can settle into normal. I do not feel the cramping as much sometimes, sometimes I do not feel the pull of taut skin. I just can be with the wonder of it, lie with my hand on my belly and talk to the little one, are you really in there? please be ok. there is much checking and imploring, but always with whispers as if I am afraid to ask too loudly. Now that I have seen it move, I imagine that. And now, now I know what the heartbeat sounds like, I lie there and imagine it. Mine? Snare drum. The little one? Maracas.

I woke in the middle of the night to the big big moon shining in so brightly it was a spotlight, an interrogation light, a searchlight... sharp shadows on the floor. I awoke when it was exactly south, exactly. All light and shadows pointing north as if they were painted on the floor by someone much more exacting than me....
then this morning, I woke to snow falling- big slow flakes, small ones, falling in no real rush, no crazy half rain, just snow. It collected for a while, then started melting as morning truly came, but I drove to work in snow, then into rain, and felt so sad I had not taken the time to catch snowflakes on my tongue, the last time this season probably, like I'd missed out, like I'd missed something important.

12 comments:

Michelle said...

I'm 20wks with my second and have cramping every. single. day.

It totally sucks, but my Dr. says it's ok as long as there's no labor pattern to it.

Scary though. I wish I could just relax and enjoy being pregnant... so I get where you're coming from!

K said...

Yay for the doppler- I dont know how women like us stayed mentally sane without them back in the day. Gad to hear all is well. So so so so so so incredibly happy for you dearest Kate.

Kate said...

So glad you've got your reassuring doppler now. Hope the crmping and spotting stops soon!

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

For the tautness: moisturize.

Nic said...

I'm pleased the Doppler is working. Must be so amazing to hear! Pleased you are doing well.
I heard that bio oil is amazing for taughtness and stopping stretch marks.
Take care
nic x

sprogblogger said...

Hurrah for the doppler - truly a sanity saver. Sorry you're still spotting. I know how much it sucks, but I also know how little it matters. Normal. Not reassuring, but normal.

Thinking of you and your darling and your little maracas-player in the last snow (I hope!) of the season.

Michele said...

The moon here was beautiful and orange last night. I immediately thought of you and your little one when I saw it and sent up a prayer. So glad the doppler arrived and that you can hear those marracas whenever you want!

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Hip hip hooray for the doppler! I love mine! Have you tried Activia + flax seed oil to get those bowels moving a bit more? It's healthy & yummy.

I also have the phenomenon of looking 3 months pregnants in the morning and 42 months pregnant at night, it's sort of hilarious and embarassing at the same time. Every time I wake up in the morning, I'm all "Where did Bug go???" when it's not him that's deflating ;).

K said...

I saw your post on Liam's world about your trip next week. We are about 20 minutes from where you'll be. I would love to meet you while you're in town, but it's very likely they will be delivering me by Wednesday. In any case, if you find yourself with free time (any time of day)email me - you have the address. Maybe I'll still be holding, or maybe you can swing by the hospital and meet the noodles. :)
Take care,
K.

tireegal68 said...

That's great news about the doppler!
Was it hard to work?
I just ordered one express delivery and am hoping that it comes tomorrow.
I am sorry about the cramping and brown spotting - hope it stops soon:)
take care - thinking of you:)

Dream Seeker said...

How exciting! That must be heavenly music to your ears... Keep those marracas rattling! Sending love xx

Elizabeth said...

Wow -- snow! Wow -- doppler! Wow -- baby. Wonderful, all.

The moon was so big here too (funny how that works!) and so bright. It pulled and pulled on the tide until the sailors and the workers had to take the big ship out of the port early, before it was all full of logs; because the moon doesn't care about big ships, or logs, or sailors, or workers, and it pulled all the water away. But we have peas 6 inches high in the garden, and I think we're done with snow.

Dear Kate, I'm trying to figure out Vancouver and I want to, but, it is tough. And I know work travel is tough, at least for me it is. But I would dearly love to meet you in person, and Vancouver is a lot closer to where I am than Yakima. With love,

Elizabeth