21 July 2010

evolution

Here I am, midweek through week 25, and I cannot quite believe it.
I am starting to catch myself thinking "baby" more and more often, and imagining what may come next. I get in my car with my tiny little bag and my keys, and imagine, soon, I will have a baby and baby bag, baby carrier, breast pads, maxi pads, STUFF....

I travel light (no, not my own personal baggage, that takes a caravan) but in my daily life, I don't carry much around with me that is visible-- a wallet, chapstick, keys, cell phone. Even anticipating this change in "stuff", this change in what I'll be carrying is an odd thing-- it is making this whole (holy crap) "baby" thing more tangible, more possible, more real...



I have this dreamy bed, I bought it when I moved into this wonderful little funky house with no furniture except a love seat-- the first thing I did was I splurged and got a really good mattress. It is the kind of thing that usually nearly moves me to tears with its perfection. I sink in, and feel totally comfortable, a truly magical, blissful bed. But now, I look at it as a necessary evil.My whole pelvic everything feels broken when I am lying down. I am better sitting, standing... The best part of the bed right now is that I sink enough so that my belly is supported without having to stick any additional pillows under it, so that's good. And apparently I've learned to sleep for several hours without moving a muscle-- I wake stiff but the stillness keeps the pelvic pain at a minimum. So, sleep is still sucking, dreams are odd and mostly filled with weirdness and sadness and work.
I miss the love affair with the bed, I really do.

Can we talk about the toe cramps? Any toe will do. Always at night. Often over and over.
And the calf cramps?

And oh the bloody horror of my gums?

All temporary, I know. I experience all of this with wonder-- experience it all as being hijacked by some other force that is taking over all my knowns and shaking me up a bit, here and there, this and that, letting me know that CHANGE IS HAPPENING.

holy shit, yes it is.
***

So-- one word on the workshop: bliss.

It was wonderful. Better than I could have hoped for. More rewarding, more hard work, more intense, more of a feast for the writing kate, the thinking kate, the feeling kate... how cool to feel so many of my pieces and parts working in concert.

I had to let go of expectations (not easy for me, oh, not easy at all), and compromise (ooooh another toughie)-- but it still worked out even if the path I ended up on was not the one I expected.

HEAR THAT SELF? IT STILL WORKED OUT EVEN IF THE PATH I ENDED UP ON WAS NOT THE ONE I EXPECTED.

amen.

11 comments:

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Change is happening, and you will never be the same again. In body or in spirit.

Jamie said...

Drink some tonic water before bed...that will help your cramps :)

Anonymous said...

I had a roommate once who said that babies come with an "aura of stuff," a term I've never forgotten because it's so true. Just so much STUFF. But it begins to dissipate by a year and by three it's gone and you miss it. It's all good stuff to purchase used, or to borrow from friends, because the need for it is so ephemeral.

Kate said...

So glad the workshop went great, and that despite the discomforts of pregnancy, you're enjoying things. Only 14 weeks more to go, give or take!

sprogblogger said...

So happy that the workshop went so well - and that you sound so good. Yeah, pelvic pain sucks - and bloody gums? Blech. But the rest of it? (Ok, maybe not the toe cramps!) the rest of it is wonderful - and I'm wishing you nothing but wonderful from here on out.

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joven said...

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babyinterrupted said...

Oh, the leg/foot/toe cramps - I can relate. Leaping out of bed with those is not my idea of a good morning, but it's happening all too frequently.

Glad you're doing okay.

karen alonge said...

"it still worked out even if the path I ended up on was not the one I expected."

amen indeed! that sounds bulletin board- and fridge-worthy to me.

meinsideout said...

Gah - the toe cramps suck!!! My feet would look deformed when a cramp really got going!!!