25 July 2010

sisterlove and kevlar underoos

My sister is here and has been since thursday- a love fest, so helpful, so wonderful, so incredibly supportive as I am absolutely flailing after the worst work week yet.
Truly- after a particularly awful exchange, I almost quit, and had to do everything in my power to make myself stay.
Toxic, abusive, acutely uncomfortable- I cannot believe how quickly this has gone to complete hell- and here I am facing a Monday and my whole day today has been accompanied by fluttery nerves and anxiety about the week to come. This sucks my life force to the point it is hard to even have the energy to do research, to find places to apply, to imagine doing what needs to be done. I want to come home and crawl into bed.
But I can't. I am trying to get my resume together. Any of you work with a remarkable job coach you can suggest? I am in need of creativity with knowledge of technology-- input is welcome.

So as long as I can, I am working in parallel-- which is necessary-- trying to stay as long as I can while looking for work. But I do not know how to take care of my emotional safety. I don't have a thick skin, and find myself near tears much of the time. So as my dear friend Jane used to say, I am going in tomorrow wearing the emotional equivalent of kevlar underoos, and I sure hope I do better with self protection than I did during the disaster that was last week.

On much more positive notes, I am lying here with my feet on my sister who is reading aloud to her youngest (such a Treat, there is almost nothing I love more than being read to), and today marks week 26 of this amazing journey. The baby has been moving wildly between times of rest. I am feeling SO LUCKY even when folks tell me I am mammoth. I am so lucky. And mammoth. But lucky is winning even if it is not quite as noticeable from 100 yards.

And tomorrow my darlin' is home to share the evening with me.
I wish I could just revel in the good stuff, and trust me, I will try.

My next journaling workshop is starting August 13th-- please pass the word! The last one was awesome.


What IF? said...

I'm so sorry that work has cast such a shadow over this joyous time. Shame on them, really, for treating you the way they have, and for work bringing such unnecessary stress. My hope is that a change in your work life will lead to a place where your talents are valued and appreciated, and where your creativity can blossom. Sending you much love.

sprogblogger said...

Oh sweetie - I am so sorry that this is all happening now. I wish you were able to just kick back and enjoy the good stuff & the mammoth-ness and not worry about any of the rest of it. I have no recommendations on job coaches, but just wanted to remind you that you're in my thoughts and if wishes could make things come true, you'd have the perfect 'job thing' heading your way straight from my brain.

Elizabeth said...

Dear Kate -- that sounds crappy beyond words. Honestly, I can't even imagine the stress and, really, how mean the whole thing seems. Just small and petty and mean. You are bigger than all that, of course you know, you are bigger. Own your space and remember what goes around comes around, and you spread a lot of good around here in the world of the Internets and I bet in the real, live world too. I wish I had one solid useful idea for you, but all I can say is that it sounds like you're doing everything right, hang in there, and if you can think of anyone or anything I might know that would help it's yours in a heartbeat. With love,

alyssa your whorish friend said...

sweet kate, i'm so glad your sister is there to help you breathe breathe breathe.

do you get unemployment when you are officially fired? does he get to harass the pregnant woman in trying to make her quit so his insurance won't have to handle her birth expenses? i hate this man.

Kate said...

So sorry work is miserable. You deserve better, especially now. Hope this week isn't as bad, and thst baby movements can help keep you kevlar strong.

Nic said...

I am so sorry Kate, such a horrible way to feel. Good luck on the job search, you deserve better.
I can't believe you are so far along!! Amazing! Who cares if you are a mammoth, you are pregnant! I bet you look beautiful, some people just don't realise what a gift it is to be pregnant!
Take care of yourself, try to protect yourself the best you can.
Nic x

Anonymous said...

So sorry the job is toxic...I went to a few seminars with a job coach - hired by the local bar association to help women in the legal profession. She used to be a lawyer but I am sure she has tech contacts...I will try to remember her name...Debbie...something. I will get you the info.

Mammoth+pregnant=stunningly beautiful

Melissa said...

Work stress is the worst. I've sadly been at jobs where it seems to suck all the joy out of your life. Hoping you can get out soon! Glad you are with your sister. It sounds like you two have a great relationship.

Joannah said...

I really feel for you, Kate. I wish work wasn't a stressful place for you - especially now.