honestKate

So after all that, the contractions calmed significantly after about 3 or 4 days of increasing hell. And, for whatever reason, the contractions are less frequent still-- maybe 12-14 a day (instead of 4 an hour)-- oh, they still make me feel crappy (weirdly lightheaded and vaguely queasy) but since they are so few comparatively speaking, I feel relieved. I can manage these.

They are worse in the car for some reason. When I drive (even peaceful country driving) I get them in clusters about 15 minutes apart or less. Must be the position? Not sure.

All in all I am feeling ok-- very tired since sleep is interrupted by peeing and the pelvic pain (good lord, pelvic symphasis horror show).

My belly is big and getting bigger daily, and I finally caved in and got new bras-- much much bigger than my usual. So I look like a complete stranger from neck to crotch. Seriously. A totally different body.

I am still enjoying wiggles and bumps and can see them more and more often.

And I am still amazed each and every day that this is Me and I am Pregnant.

It feels impossible.

It is also impossible for me to forget my target of July 11th, which is my 24 week day---- I have my eye on that date with such intensity I am sure this next week will crawl by. I just want to get to viability please (I say, knowing that it is not ALL I want, just what I want next).

So tomorrow is week 23.

tuesday is my monthly OB appointment with bonus placenta check via ultrasound.

I've gained 10 lbs or so according to my scale. I am sure they will say it is more.

and today I had to take off my brandy new wedding ring since my hands were swollen from a combination of the little one and the heat.

Ok-- honest kate time:

I feel a little dislocated. I imagined at this point I would be sitting and rubbing my belly and just blissing out. Instead, the previa, the contractions, all of my inherent and acquired neuroses, they all conspire to have me just a bit on edge, a bit disbelieving. I sit and try to think of what to add to our registry and I worry I may be acting too soon, assuming too much. Gosh darn.

And even when-- even when I have wiggles and bumps, I feel a little weirdly distant sort of stillness, a watchfulness.

I know some of this is from the heat.

Some is from the acute and now ongoing stress of the work situation and my intermittent success in managing my tenderness and reactivity.

Some is from truly feeling astonished that this pregnancy actually happened, that this pregnancy is actually happening.

Some is from my worry about the previa (most initial bleeds are significant and median date for such a bleed is week 32).

And my worry about this not working out. That it was all a pipe dream. That somehow disaster will strike.

I think about names and then think about what it will mean to carry this little one strapped to my belly, and in the next breath, panic that something Bad will happen.

It is really hard to write about this.

I want to be all sunshine and roses.

All optimism, the hard part is over! Stats are in our favor! Tra la!

But I can't help but be afraid. Not paralysis-afraid, just afraid enough to keep me unsettled.

I wanted to write a funny post about the things I had not expected about expecting-- and perhaps I will another time. I am not reading pregnancy books at all. Just the Your Baby at .... Weeks since I love knowing that this little one is now over a pound! and would require two of my hands to hold. So my list is probably known to all of you pregnant ladies out there. But for me? Boatloads of surprises.

For now, wishing you all a very safe holiday weekend.

Our lightning bugs vanished after those few days with just one.... I am hopeful they'll return.