03 July 2010

honestKate

So after all that, the contractions calmed significantly after about 3 or 4 days of increasing hell. And, for whatever reason, the contractions are less frequent still-- maybe 12-14 a day (instead of 4 an hour)-- oh, they still make me feel crappy (weirdly lightheaded and vaguely queasy) but since they are so few comparatively speaking, I feel relieved. I can manage these.
They are worse in the car for some reason. When I drive (even peaceful country driving) I get them in clusters about 15 minutes apart or less. Must be the position? Not sure.

All in all I am feeling ok-- very tired since sleep is interrupted by peeing and the pelvic pain (good lord, pelvic symphasis horror show).

My belly is big and getting bigger daily, and I finally caved in and got new bras-- much much bigger than my usual. So I look like a complete stranger from neck to crotch. Seriously. A totally different body.

I am still enjoying wiggles and bumps and can see them more and more often.
And I am still amazed each and every day that this is Me and I am Pregnant.
It feels impossible.

It is also impossible for me to forget my target of July 11th, which is my 24 week day---- I have my eye on that date with such intensity I am sure this next week will crawl by. I just want to get to viability please (I say, knowing that it is not ALL I want, just what I want next).

So tomorrow is week 23.
tuesday is my monthly OB appointment with bonus placenta check via ultrasound.
I've gained 10 lbs or so according to my scale. I am sure they will say it is more.
and today I had to take off my brandy new wedding ring since my hands were swollen from a combination of the little one and the heat.

Ok-- honest kate time:
I feel a little dislocated. I imagined at this point I would be sitting and rubbing my belly and just blissing out. Instead, the previa, the contractions, all of my inherent and acquired neuroses, they all conspire to have me just a bit on edge, a bit disbelieving. I sit and try to think of what to add to our registry and I worry I may be acting too soon, assuming too much. Gosh darn.

And even when-- even when I have wiggles and bumps, I feel a little weirdly distant sort of stillness, a watchfulness.
I know some of this is from the heat.
Some is from the acute and now ongoing stress of the work situation and my intermittent success in managing my tenderness and reactivity.
Some is from truly feeling astonished that this pregnancy actually happened, that this pregnancy is actually happening.
Some is from my worry about the previa (most initial bleeds are significant and median date for such a bleed is week 32).
And my worry about this not working out. That it was all a pipe dream. That somehow disaster will strike.
I think about names and then think about what it will mean to carry this little one strapped to my belly, and in the next breath, panic that something Bad will happen.

It is really hard to write about this.
I want to be all sunshine and roses.
All optimism, the hard part is over! Stats are in our favor! Tra la!
But I can't help but be afraid. Not paralysis-afraid, just afraid enough to keep me unsettled.

I wanted to write a funny post about the things I had not expected about expecting-- and perhaps I will another time. I am not reading pregnancy books at all. Just the Your Baby at .... Weeks since I love knowing that this little one is now over a pound! and would require two of my hands to hold. So my list is probably known to all of you pregnant ladies out there. But for me? Boatloads of surprises.


For now, wishing you all a very safe holiday weekend.
Our lightning bugs vanished after those few days with just one.... I am hopeful they'll return.








9 comments:

sprogblogger said...

Thrilled that the contractions have slowed down, but very sad you're dealing with pelvic pain. It really and truly sucks.

And I'm sad that you're still having to deal with so much anxiety. A's coming over tomorrow for a knit & chat and I wish you were in town so we could baby you and feed you yummy things for an afternoon. Know that we're thinking of you.

babyinterrupted said...

I can relate very well to your honesty - the slight sense of detachment, disbelief, worry that relaxing into it all will make it disappear, even as I am simultaneously trying to enjoy every moment. So, either we are both completely normal, or we are both freaks but at least, not alone.

Glad the contractions are slowing. Thinking of you.

takingbabysteps said...

Glad the contractions are less and hope the u/s goes well. I know how hard it is to relax - there is this feeling that this will all be taken away if I do. I cannot discuss names, have not made a registry, am terrified that this is all a dream to be followed by disaster. Last week this view was reinforced by some spotting. Talk about unsettling. Has not come back but it hardened my resolve not to let my guard down. Now if only week 24 will get here...

IVF 40+ said...

So glad the contractions have slowed. Must have been a tremendous worry.

I can empathize with your feelings. I still check for 'bad signs' every bathroom visit and fear everyday that today is the day when it all gets snatched away.
I was given some advice that I hope you don't mind if I share . Allow the negative thoughts 'room' for a concentrated time everyday. After that 'release' them and all the other crap that one has no control over. The mantra I was given was: at this moment, at this time, I am [pregnant] or [happy] or here or whatever you want to focus on.
It helped me connect with what was actually happening and not just what I feared.
Hope this helps in some way.

meinsideout said...

I was a nervous wreck for almost the entire pregnancy...and I am just starting to not be a mess worrying about SIDS...we just have to do the best we can!

tireegal68 said...

Dear Kate,
I have been a horrible commenter in your hours of need. I apologize. I have been reading but other stuff has got in the way of commenting.
I am not in your shoes but I know when I had that bleeding and contracting at 16 weeks I never in a million years thought I would get to 23 weeks. That feeling of not believing and not getting to the rosy place is a hard one.
I think you are doing all you can to keep your little one safe and I pray that you are able to deal with the pain and uncertainty and find some moments of respite from the doubt and fear.
hugs to you:)

Nic said...

I am pretty sure all you are feeling is normal. I am not surprised you ate worried and in disbelief after all that you have been through.
July 11th os not far off and I hope it brings you some peace. Just try to enjoy, remember and record your pregnancy at times, purely because it will go so quick and u will be holding a baby before you know it!
Pleased the contractions have calmed, hope it stays that way.
We all understand your fears. Hang in there, you are doing great.
Nic x

Kate said...

Sorry it isn't all bliss and roses for you now. Hope you end up going far longer than you ever thought without the contractions doing anything, just like I did. And I really hope the previa behaves.
Will the check your cervical length or a FFN sometime soon to reassure you? Or are they staying out of there because of the previa?
Hugs!

My Reality said...

I have to say - that pregnancy was torture in many ways. I didn't have previa to worry about or too many contractions until later, but the emotional side of things was really, really hard. I think this journey exposes us to so much heartache and we see just what can happen. But it doesn't mean it will. I don't think I got comfortable with being pregnant until about 30 weeks or so because I knew that my baby would be ok if she were to be born. Take comfort in the kicks and pokes, it means your little one is ok. Don't feel bad for not feeling like everything is perfect and great. It is a huge adjustment after trying so hard and the mind games can almost be worse.

Keep hanging in there!