21 August 2010

birth class and irony

Today ended softly, with a pearly gray sky and perfect stillness. I lay on the sofa and watched a tiny glimmer of light through the layered leaves of trees and the stillness was profound.

My uterus has been making itself known again with more frequent contractions but no sustained frequency that triggers the "call now" criteria. Just under the wire with up to 4 an hour, and last night one hour with 5-- I drink, I lie down, I pray.

The baby is incredibly active so I know that makes this more likely for me, these contractions are more likely with an active little one on board.

Today we spent in birth class, and I felt, as I most often do, as "other"-- older, the only IF couple who spoke of it, the only couple facing the known possibility/probability of a c-section.
It felt largely superfluous, but you never know. And the tour of the calm arena of normal deliveries felt like those artful photos of houses for sale, ideal, larger, cleaner, calmer than any reality ever is or can be...

We're thinking about delivering at Dartmouth, or Boston. There are three level 3 NICUs in New Hampshire (who knew?)- but I want to be in the safest place, and safest means skill and plenty of positve outcome experience not just with me, but with worst-case-scenario-baby care. I hope Tuesday brings clarity, a plan, and a referral, and not just a nebulous neither-here-nor-there that requires me to become ferocious. But if I need to, please know that I will, oh I will.

Tomorrow? Week 30 begins.


alyssa said...

i love you, and will help with ferociousness if you need.

Joannah said...

I hope you end up with a plan that you are very comfortable with. I would feel the same way.

Yea! Thirty weeks. You're getting so close.


Sarah said...

30 weeks! Congratulations : )

sprogblogger said...

Glad you are gearing up for ferocity if necessary, and hoping it will NOT be necessary. Happy 30 weeks, dear friend. Thinking of you & will be blog-stalking til you post what happens on Tuesday.

Michele said...

Congrats on week 30! That is great!

Praying for 10 more weeks!!!

Anonymous said...

Be ferocious Kate!

What IF? said...

As someone who experienced a high risk pregnancy, postpartum complications and 3 babies in a level 4 NICU, I can tell you: definitely go for the best care under the sun for you both.

Nothing will bring greater peace in the coming weeks than knowing you're in good hands. Even though you may be separated from your baby directly after birth, at least you or the little one won't have to be airlifted to another hospital.

You worked way too hard to get to this point... Letting go of the "ideal" birth is hard, especially when nothing about getting here has been easy. I know I'm still struggling with it. Yes, even after 10 months, a good outcome and much to be thankful for, I still wish it could've been different.

It's hard not to feel resentment about others who seem to have it so easy to get pg, and then get to have "normal"/uncomplicated pregnancies and births on top of it. I get it. I really do.

Congrats on 30 weeks!

Grade A said...

Dear Kate,

Thinking about you and sending much love and happy healthy baby vibes.

I gave birth at Brigham and Women's in Boston if it's on your list and/or you want more info...


Kate said...

Congrats in advance on 30 weeks. I'm admiring how calmly you're taking these cotractions. You're doing (it seems) much better than I did with them. Hope the hospital choice comes clear.

Elizabeth said...

Dear Kate -- thinking of you now and tomorrow and hoping for a good appointment with reassuring news and full cooperation in developing a kick-ass plan for here forward. With love,