I've been bingeing
obsessively on line researching and searching and hours pass
hours and hours
and I wonder why I feel so soul-drained.
So yesterday, a moratorium. I closed my computer and put it aside. I needed the away, but kept feeling like I SHOULD be doing, SHOULD be searching, SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD
I was amazing to feel the pull of the object- the closed notebook, right there, should be looking...
I've been sleeping poorly-- restless legs, restless mind, teacup sized bladder- and the tired, the big ass tired of first trimester feels like it is coming back.
I know it is stress, and this wonderful baby, and these huge chemical and physical changes. I wish I could lie down and day dream more.
After a full day of nonjoy online time friday (until 9pm), I decided I needed a break on saturday morning. So I went to the dump and then shopping.
I realized I needed to affirm the good stuff-- so-- a pack of newborn diapers, wipes, long sleeve onesies and 4 tiny pairs of pants (goodness they are adorable)-- one with stripes.
Then, to the craft store where I got cheap square frames for my square paintings and when I came home, I popped them in and Oh! They look just great! I've been shuffling them in a pile like cards.
I wish the affirming joy was as tenacious as the panic/searching/should be doing things feeling, but I'm glad I was able to visit it.
Today I am back at yoga after work-- they worked it out so I could come (felt I could not justify the splurge under the circumstances and they made adjustments), then to a tune up meeting with my therapist whom I have not seen since last year I think-- because, you know, LIFE WAS GOOD.
And it is August, and for those of you who have known me for a while, this month is particularly hard for me. So I will need to hold on to those things that bring me joy even tighter, stay as present as I can in and for the good stuff, remember to breathe, be outside, and spend time connecting.
So-- good stuff? My next writing workshop starts the 13th (see upper right for a link), and I'd love it if you'd spread the word. Another giveaway on my heartwork blog starting this thursday.
And the best good stuff? WEEK 27 BABY!
And tomorrow another check on the baby and the errant placenta.
Friday is my version of the gestational diabetes test-- I cannot drink the orange stuff since it is filled with corn sugar and I am corn free-- so each month we'll do a fasting blood draw, I'll have breakfast (then stop eating/drinking), and they'll check again in two hours after a I eat. Anything wonky and we'll start to do finger pricks etc-- all begins on friday so I can disrupt work minimally.
my apologies for being so absent here. And on your blogs. I miss you terribly. In my quest to be a little more balanced (HA, I make myself laugh), I hope to post a little more often. This connection really matters, and it sucks to watch me give up the stuff that I love so easily because other shoulds are louder.
If my soul and heart are not fed, I am going to be in deep shit, so I need to realize that This is just as important as That for my wellbeing, and give myself permission.
Oh, so much easier said than done.