18 May 2009

ironies and intermittent wisdom

Today I have been thinking a lot about the ironies of this whole journey-- the wishing upon wish for the two lines to be there, holding breath, praying... then on this particular flip side, wishing upon wish for there to be just one line. No I did not pee on another stick. I know better. This will take days and weeks, so whole strings of days can pass in between-- so unlike pregnancy testing. It feels downright unnatural that I could/can wish so hard for something to be there, and the miraculous beginning it indicates... and then wish so hard for it to just be gone, so we can begin again.

Then there is the belly. I honored it tonight in yoga, dedicated my practice to it, sent healing energy to it during savasana. 

I prayed for pregnancy and tried hard to love the belly as it started to grow (I was having trouble loving it, in fact I was really uncomfortable with it and now I feel like an idiot), and now here it is, here it is still, and I am trying hard to love it as it is. And oh man, I am having a struggle. I know it will get better, but right now? Now it is just a reminder of what we lost. I am trying to look at it as a safe place, a nurturing place, a place of abundance and warmth and nourishment. But mostly, I am trying not to hate it and all that it represents.

I am slowly reading Tolle's "The Power of Now" and it is reminding me of how wise I used to be, of all the things I used to know, of the parts of me I used to trust.  It is an amazing reminder of how I get in my own way, create my own chaos, and the energy waste that comes from chasing myself in circles.

Ever have a sore tooth? And you stick your tongue on it over and over in some weird masochistic obsessive compulsive, still hurt? yup. how 'bout now? yup. And now? Yup. sort of way.

I do that with thoughts and feelings. In meditation I kept thinking of painful things, and kept reminding myself of the now. Right now I am healthy and getting healthier. I am bringing energy into my body. I am rebuilding. I am recentering. But my brain/body kept taking me back to the painful things. I went back and forth, back and forth, like waves curling over one another.

There are so many blogs that I follow and love, so many pregnancies I am celebrating, so many folks struggling to get their elusive positive whom I support with all my heart. Praying for their second lines, their burgeoning bellies.  But in spite of my desire to be able to be here for the folks I have bonded with, I admit that there are a few blogs I cannot visit. Dear Cady was just a few days ahead of me. I ask her to forgive me for not visiting anymore, it is just too painful-- not her success, but my "failure".

Still hurt? yup. how 'bout now?


Anonymous said...

Oh Kate, your post is beautiful. I am in awe of your strength and desire to remain at one with yourself. I am so sorry, my heart continues to ache for you.

Your thoughts on meditation and yoga inspire me to get started again but the pain, the detoxing that would take place initially is scary to me.

I too have had a hard time with some of my favorite blogs. It hurts - and for me, when I see those things, I want to be joyful for them but it is like that sore tooth was ripped and pulled away.

Sprogblogger said...

Oh yes. Still hurt? Yup.


Sarah said...

wow you are really doing all the right things aren't you? i just HATE that none of it makes things better but it sounds like you are on the path at least. instead of yoga i would have had a night of tequila and brownie sundaes, but i guess you at least don't have the hangover. well not the tequila hangover anyway.

your feelings about the belly remind me of a conversation with my husband last night, about a friend who just lost her baby at 30 weeks and was induced and delivered the baby stillborn. he thought there should have been a c section so she didn't have to go through labor but i told him that is a scar you don't want to live with. not that it isn't there anyway.

Jenn said...

Dear Kate,

You are being so true to yourself right now - I am so proud of you for that.

Acknowledging the pain, touching it, feeling it, just being with it - is so hard but you are doing it.

I am still right beside you - if you need a hand, just reach out and take mine!


IVF 40+ said...

Hi Kate, your wisdom is inspiring and your pain heart breaking. Sitting with you, as always.

K said...

Hmmmmmm.....you hit the nail on the head. As you always do...

What IF? said...

This is such a powerful, heartbreaking post. I admire your courage in living and working through this all-consuming pain.

You are still wise, even more so, and will regain the trust in yourself in good time.

I so appreciated the comment you left on my blog. I will continue to check in on you here. If you no longer feel like visiting me there, I will definitely understand.

You are in my thoughts, even when I don't get a chance to comment.

Nic said...

It is amazing how supportive you can be in your times of struggle and pain. Thank you so much. I am pleased you are taking your time to heal.