and I have to say, I am a Big ole chicken about things like this. But today? Almost no anxiety- just wanted it done. And I have to say I wonder about the life I leading that something that would have had me in a blind crazed panic just does not even register on my life trauma Richter scale any more.
One less thing.
And me, now I have a gaping hole in my mouth with raw edges to keep my tongue occupied.
And the bruise on the back of my hand in a new place, next to the bruise that just finished fading from the D&C.
I've had the opportunity to read some blogs lately that deal directly head-on with the experience of miscarriage-- one a recent entry about a loss several years back-- and one written about a miscarriage back in 2006, but a really honest account of what not to say that nearly broke my heart.
I admit I have not been seeking stories-- I have been googling pregnancy after miscarriage, hCG levels after D&C, I have not been looking for shared pain, or affirmation, or anything that brings me back to the realization of what happened. BUT. The universe is a strange place.
It might not give me what I want, but sometimes it gives me exactly what I need to hear. I stumbled on one post, was given a gift of the other-- and I am so sad to read them but so glad I did. It is hard to explain what I mean, I guess. It sounds awful but it is affirming. Someone else said it, experienced it, felt it, and there is such relief in the "yeah, me too" feeling of it.
But oh how I fight against it. With busy-ness, with near amnesia of forward thinking and planning.
See, I am a coper. I cope. Once the worst part of initial grief has passed, I press on, I look forward, I want to be ok. And when grief surges, I feel cheated-- Hey! I was ok! I was all, look at me, I am COPING! But yeah, coping and grieving can coexist. Coping does not mean grief is done having its way with me. Today marks 2 weeks since the D&C. It feels like nearly a lifetime. But it isn't. We all know how long 2 weeks takes. It can be a blink or an eternity.
And now as I wait for my body to equilibrate, I wish I had a window into what is happening in there, will I ovulate this month, when might I bleed, can I get on with it or do I need to wait. Is my cervix closed. Am I beyond the threat of infection.
Ahh patience. I suck at you.