healing

Hello again,

I am back from my journey and found that in the few days away, my body healed more than I had expected-- still spotting a little on some days, a lot on others, but the cramping intensity and frequency is way down -- now just momentary twinges and pinches, and my belly is no longer sore (thankfully). It is still bigger than it was and that still hurts my heart-- but I also know that I am still in the midst of hormonal soup, it has just been 10 days into this healing cycle.

I tested tonight, peed on a dollar store test strip and yes, hCG still registers in a definite second line. The second line is not as strong as the control, but it is not the ghost faint of early pregnancy either. So I will test again in a few days. I realized that with 5 $1 tests hanging out in my cupboard and more where they came from, I can test every few days and watch the line fade as I need to.

My soul and heart? Well, this sucks.

The quiet times of driving and of waking in the middle of the night are really tough, so my drive back today I played music LOUDLY and sang along to all I knew and I found that even then, since music is inherently evocative, sadness would seep (or rush) in. But it helped more than silence to circumvent the roar in my head.

With all of that, we have a plan. I will test until the line fades. I will do my 20 strip ovulation test kit and see if I ovulate this month (I will start friday I think-- 2 weeks past the D&C)... and if my body is up for it, if I am no longer sore at all, if I have an LH surge, we may just simply try.

Listen, I know conventional wisdom says wait 3 cycles. But I also know that is not necessarily based in my reality.

I am 42. I cannot wait for grief to fade. I do not have the relative luxury of that kind of time. It is just what truth is. I cannot waste a cycle if my body is ok. If it isn't, I have no problem waiting one cycle (one)- I trust my body in this way, I do. I trust it to tell me the truth about this, and I trust myself to listen.

When we found out our bad news that horrible day, we had driven separately-- I thought we would see a lovely little 9w embryo and would drive back to our workplaces happy and smiling. Instead we made our way home alone in our separate cars-- a long drive, nearly an hour-- but during that time through our shock and horror and new grief and gulping tears, we both decided in our hearts that we wanted to try again. That is what we want. So by the time we got home, and we fell onto the sofa to try to cope with the immensity of our changed situation-- we also talked and talked and talked about the future and what we hoped we could do-- and we both admitted we knew we wanted to try again as soon as we were able.

We see the RE in June, on the 8th. We will talk about what he might agree to do through his clinic--since as you may recall, he said he was done after our last IVF-IUI conversion. I want to talk about medicated IUIs that might be converted to IVF if enough follicles are ever on board.  And after that/along with that we will decide whether to take advantage of the CCRM option-- they have our records and are willing to schedule a free consult via phone (we live in a state where they cannot charge)...

But right now, it seems there is no harm in just trying when my body is willing. At least we know success is theoretically possible and that alone makes it worth a shot. And my heart tells me it is ok with that.