17 May 2009


Hello again,
I am back from my journey and found that in the few days away, my body healed more than I had expected-- still spotting a little on some days, a lot on others, but the cramping intensity and frequency is way down -- now just momentary twinges and pinches, and my belly is no longer sore (thankfully). It is still bigger than it was and that still hurts my heart-- but I also know that I am still in the midst of hormonal soup, it has just been 10 days into this healing cycle.

I tested tonight, peed on a dollar store test strip and yes, hCG still registers in a definite second line. The second line is not as strong as the control, but it is not the ghost faint of early pregnancy either. So I will test again in a few days. I realized that with 5 $1 tests hanging out in my cupboard and more where they came from, I can test every few days and watch the line fade as I need to.

My soul and heart? Well, this sucks.
The quiet times of driving and of waking in the middle of the night are really tough, so my drive back today I played music LOUDLY and sang along to all I knew and I found that even then, since music is inherently evocative, sadness would seep (or rush) in. But it helped more than silence to circumvent the roar in my head.

With all of that, we have a plan. I will test until the line fades. I will do my 20 strip ovulation test kit and see if I ovulate this month (I will start friday I think-- 2 weeks past the D&C)... and if my body is up for it, if I am no longer sore at all, if I have an LH surge, we may just simply try.

Listen, I know conventional wisdom says wait 3 cycles. But I also know that is not necessarily based in my reality.

I am 42. I cannot wait for grief to fade. I do not have the relative luxury of that kind of time. It is just what truth is. I cannot waste a cycle if my body is ok. If it isn't, I have no problem waiting one cycle (one)- I trust my body in this way, I do. I trust it to tell me the truth about this, and I trust myself to listen.

When we found out our bad news that horrible day, we had driven separately-- I thought we would see a lovely little 9w embryo and would drive back to our workplaces happy and smiling. Instead we made our way home alone in our separate cars-- a long drive, nearly an hour-- but during that time through our shock and horror and new grief and gulping tears, we both decided in our hearts that we wanted to try again. That is what we want. So by the time we got home, and we fell onto the sofa to try to cope with the immensity of our changed situation-- we also talked and talked and talked about the future and what we hoped we could do-- and we both admitted we knew we wanted to try again as soon as we were able.

We see the RE in June, on the 8th. We will talk about what he might agree to do through his clinic--since as you may recall, he said he was done after our last IVF-IUI conversion. I want to talk about medicated IUIs that might be converted to IVF if enough follicles are ever on board.  And after that/along with that we will decide whether to take advantage of the CCRM option-- they have our records and are willing to schedule a free consult via phone (we live in a state where they cannot charge)...

But right now, it seems there is no harm in just trying when my body is willing. At least we know success is theoretically possible and that alone makes it worth a shot. And my heart tells me it is ok with that.


Sprogblogger said...

Oh Kate, I'm so glad that you're feeling better physically. I haven't had the heart to use up some of my internet cheapies, mostly because I didn't want to see that line. It's a bit of evasion that I'm probably going to pay for emotionally at some point down the line, but I just haven't felt able to really cope with the whole, "I was pregnant this time last month" thing yet. Easier to pretend it never happened.

God that sounds sick when I write it out like this.

And yeah, I'm with you. Get me pregnant now, damnit. If the body can take it, I can deal - I can blissfully, happily, healthily deal. I will admit to entertaining certain "what if I get pregnant naturally AGAIN?" fantasies, and being delighted that I ovulated on my right, "reamed out", side. Just in case.

I'm glad you're going to try again. I so very much want to experience a successful pregnancy right alongside you. You've been my rock through this whole experience, and very selfishly, I would have been so saddened if you'd decided your heart had had enough.

And you sound better. Not wholly healed, not wholly whole, but so much better. And that makes me so happy and grateful. You're in my thoughts, and I'm happy to be able to picture you singing, even if there are tears coming through on the sad songs.

Now let's have us some babies, eh?

bb said...

Hi Kate, I am glad you are feeling a little better and also that you have started to think about what is next. That is always good and shows your strength. I would want to get started right away too.

Thanks as always for your comments on my blog. I feel like you always know just what to say to make me feel better ;-) I can't tell you how much I appreciate that!! Have a good week.

Anonymous said...

To Sprog's final words I say hear hear! I so want babies for both of you. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. Instead I'm looking to the future and wishing for nothing but success and joy.

Grade A said...

What's the point in not trying? I say go for it. Waiting is evil anyway, so why not a 2ww rather than waiting inactively? Plans are what keep us sane when we can not control anything else on this crazy IF ride, and it sounds like you have a good one.

Keep singing your heart out. We'll be here to listen and support you.

Jenn said...

My dear Kate,

I am so glad you are listening to your body, mind, soul and hubby.

I am all for going ahead with what is in your heart.

Only you and hubby know what is right for you - you are listening to your body and if it is the right time then I say go for it!

You will know the answer when the time comes.

In the meantime - just know I am holding your hand to help you along the way!


Michele said...

Our RE requires a 3 month waiting period in between pregnancies or losses. But, after our first loss, when we went for our consult, she asked if we wanted to wait longer. We'd really thought about it and our thoughts have always been the same. Our grief isnt going to just go away... It will always be there. Being pregnant or not doesnt take it away or even mitigate it. So, waiting 3 months or 3 years... We will still be here... in this place... That's how we've felt after our miscarriages and our infant losses. So, we press on. At some point, I know we'll have to stop, but we havent felt that yet...

I'm glad that you have someone who understands and talks it with you. Listen to your heart.

Sending you warm thoughts...

Texas said...

I am so glad that you're feeling better and are ready to try again. You're doing a great job of listening to your body and heart. Keep it up and definitely blare that music whenever necessary :)

I'm sending good thoughts to you!!

K said...

It's nice to have you and your intuitive blogging back. So glad you are jumping into it again. I have heard amazing things about CCRM and am considering them myself for the next round.

onwardandsideways said...

Hey... thanks for your kind words on my blog. I would totally understand if you couldn't be keeping up to date with me, and impressed that you have.

Loving that you have plans. I think it helps so much in the healing to have something else to focus on.

Wishing you the best of luck next time around!!

Anonymous said...

i'm glad you can feel the "healing" starting to runs through your veins. it takes such time for us to reset ourselves back. i'm so glad you are looking ahead, i'm looking out there along the horizon with you.

and thank you so much for your sweet words the last few days.

Anonymous said...

Glad your body is on the mend; I am finally feeling like I am myself again the past few days (I'm a week ahead of you). I am going to cycle in June (43, so no more messin around here!) and today's b/w showed my HCG was 10. I am loving the drug-free me right now, and I hope you get there soon. Take the time your body needs, and if you're ready sooner than 3 months go for it.

Sarah said...

gotta follow your heart, that is the only way in this particular department. the pressure of the ticking clock is so awful, i HATE that feeling. but do try to remind yourself that it's not as if every month your chances are falling further off the charts. if it turns out you're not actually ready next month your odds are pretty much the same following month, and the one after that too. i know you know this but it's so hard not to let it get to you i figured it warranted a friendly reminder :)

IF Optimist, then... said...

I admire so very much your grace under such awful circumstances. I am glad to know you and your husband are there for each other and are willing to walk this path again right away. I wish you both all the best.