05 May 2009

one more day

This particular incarnation of the dreaded two week wait is almost over-- tomorrow we finally do the ultrasound. I am hoping it will be fine, show things just as they need to be. And that we will make it through the screening and testing lectures with our integrity intact.
So here we are, finally pregnant and unlikely to achieve this again, what the hell would we do with information that said we have a problem? I know what I would answer if I were doing this alone. But I cannot say it is the same answer for us. The US part of this changes everything.

So my belly has not continued its crazy expansion-- I swear I am doing this in fits and starts. The cramps are times of construction-- then there are times of peace. This weekend was a time to get bigger, now I am coasting for a moment. I am perfectly fine with that, it was pretty abrupt and I am not ready to be out at work. I work at a company of 9 people, mostly men, so it is not as if a body change would go unnoticed (hey everyone, kate has breasts!), and it is unlikely it would go unremarked. So far so good. If you don't touch my belly, I am still looking pretty much like me.

In an attempt to acknowledge that my body might actually have changed a little bit, I finally broke down and tried on some low waisted maternity jeans this morning that came in the mail yesterday. Surprisingly comfortable, and kind of a relief to be honest. My real life jeans are not tight at all, but where the waistband sits is just not that comfortable anymore, kind of a low grade irritant... so it was great to have a moment of ahhhhhh. But then of course I took them off, put on a pair of pants that fit fine (with some stretch thankfully)...and I tell myself it is because we have customers in today so it is not a jean day, but I know better.

Yesterday I finally told a few friends. One immediately shot back a note saying that it is customary to wait 12 weeks before sharing. Yes, yes, I know I know. But these folks are close to me and I was hoping to rustle up some of my real life people for little pieces of support and encouragement and maybe even some excitement since I seem to access that best vicariously. But that admonition kind of bit, a hand slap, and I felt embarrassed like I had broken protocol. As if somehow there were not enough to think about.

And I admit I feel some sort of broader shame/embarrassment/vulnerability I am wrestling with-- yesterday (yes, a big day) I went into a consignment shop specifically for kids and maternity clothes, and felt like an interloper. I felt like I was in a sex toy shop. Shy shy shy shy shy and not so certain I should really be there. It is NO surprise I am an on-line shopper for most things most of the time as I do not like the act of shopping in real life... but this new layer of whateveritwas, not helpful. NOT. Feels like shame. (WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?)
I hope I can get over it and simply settle in.

6 comments:

Nic said...

Keeping everything crossed for you for tomorrow, hope all is well. Would love to see pics!!!

IVF 40+ said...

Sounds like survivor guilt mixed with desperately wanting this to work. call me crazy but isn't that a totally normal reaction!
So sorry your friend reacted without the slightest glimmer of empathy. Outside our IF world I find reactions always a little unthinking. It's like we opted for elective surgery!
Courage mon amie. Good luck to all of you tomorrow - looking forward to your news.
EB

Grade A said...

Dearest Kate,

It took me forever to reduce the number of times I feel like an interloper (notice I didn't say I have gotten rid of it completely). I keep thinking "maybe when x happens, I'll really feel pregnant." X being anything from hitting second semester to clothes not fitting to...saying it out loud. Still not completely there.

Ugh and Agh to that hand slap. You don't deserve a Ms. Manners response from someone you trusted enough to tell. The telling thing is impossible to figure out-it can feel good or icky, and you should just do it when you feel it's right, as some wise blogger once told me (wink), but you certainly don't deserve anything but happy, positive or even elated responses.

I will respond via email to your amnio question. In the meantime, GOOD LUCK TOMORROW!!!!!!

alyssa ettinger said...

kate has breasts!

onwardandsideways said...

I can relate to the shame part. I have felt it many times, often at my OB's office... you're not 'really' pregnant was the feeling I got from the tech who took my weight, blood pressure. My OB is wonderful, and I wish there was a way I didn't have to tell the other people in her office.

I feel it a lot of places... stores (brick or online), when I walk by other pregnant women who I am sure conceived without ART or donor eggs.

And here's what I say to that: FUCK OFF. And I hope you can muster it up in yourself to say that too. You are every bit as pregnant as anyone else. And I am sure that soon you'll be showing as good as the rest of 'em.

And your friend... just another insensitive person who has not dealt with infertility. Don't mean to insult your friend, but those casually heartless remarks -- intentional or not -- do not help. Not to stir up trouble, but you might consider pointing her to some blogs that could possibly open her eyes to what you and others have been through.

I hope your u/s is great and that you get good pictures of your little one!

meinsideout said...

I only said what the fucking fuck about your friend shooting you the 12 week thing - that was way wrong, sorry you had to deal with that.

I am looking forward to your update on the u/s!!!