This particular incarnation of the dreaded two week wait is almost over-- tomorrow we finally do the ultrasound. I am hoping it will be fine, show things just as they need to be. And that we will make it through the screening and testing lectures with our integrity intact.
So here we are, finally pregnant and unlikely to achieve this again, what the hell would we do with information that said we have a problem? I know what I would answer if I were doing this alone. But I cannot say it is the same answer for us. The US part of this changes everything.
So my belly has not continued its crazy expansion-- I swear I am doing this in fits and starts. The cramps are times of construction-- then there are times of peace. This weekend was a time to get bigger, now I am coasting for a moment. I am perfectly fine with that, it was pretty abrupt and I am not ready to be out at work. I work at a company of 9 people, mostly men, so it is not as if a body change would go unnoticed (hey everyone, kate has breasts!), and it is unlikely it would go unremarked. So far so good. If you don't touch my belly, I am still looking pretty much like me.
In an attempt to acknowledge that my body might actually have changed a little bit, I finally broke down and tried on some low waisted maternity jeans this morning that came in the mail yesterday. Surprisingly comfortable, and kind of a relief to be honest. My real life jeans are not tight at all, but where the waistband sits is just not that comfortable anymore, kind of a low grade irritant... so it was great to have a moment of ahhhhhh. But then of course I took them off, put on a pair of pants that fit fine (with some stretch thankfully)...and I tell myself it is because we have customers in today so it is not a jean day, but I know better.
Yesterday I finally told a few friends. One immediately shot back a note saying that it is customary to wait 12 weeks before sharing. Yes, yes, I know I know. But these folks are close to me and I was hoping to rustle up some of my real life people for little pieces of support and encouragement and maybe even some excitement since I seem to access that best vicariously. But that admonition kind of bit, a hand slap, and I felt embarrassed like I had broken protocol. As if somehow there were not enough to think about.
And I admit I feel some sort of broader shame/embarrassment/vulnerability I am wrestling with-- yesterday (yes, a big day) I went into a consignment shop specifically for kids and maternity clothes, and felt like an interloper. I felt like I was in a sex toy shop. Shy shy shy shy shy and not so certain I should really be there. It is NO surprise I am an on-line shopper for most things most of the time as I do not like the act of shopping in real life... but this new layer of whateveritwas, not helpful. NOT. Feels like shame. (WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?)
I hope I can get over it and simply settle in.