07 May 2009

tomorrow

Oh internet world and real life, thank you for your immense outpouring of kindness and support. I know that if love could heal all wounds, I would be whole.

After a night of hard window-pelting rain and very little sleep, I met with the doctor very early this morning for our pre-op discussion and examination. The D&C will be tomorrow afternoon. 

And I simply could not stop crying.

I am familiar with grief. I know how it moves in like heavy fog and swallows whole, and I know the teasing moments where it rests and light comes filtering in and it feels like maybe things will be ok, but they're not really ok, and in it comes again, resurgence, weight, unbelievable sadness.

And there are levels of grief here, for the pregnancy I thought was progressing (recent belly expansion and other symptoms I was told were just reactions to residual hormones), but mostly grief for the "baby", the potential person that I felt I was carrying.  And there is this other immense weight of knowing, at my age, that we may never get this far again.
 
Oh how I dread the feeling of empty that will come tomorrow after the procedure. 
I feel somehow as if as long as it is still inside me, I am still pregnant. Which I am not. And I have not been for a while. 

Through the tears of imagining LOSING the baby tomorrow, I have had to remind myself over and over and over that I already have. The baby is already lost. This little one only measured in the 6th week during yesterday's ultrasound. Meaning my miraculous ultrasound where we saw the heartbeat took place right before it stopped becoming.

But this is the horror too-  knowing I have been carrying a dead thing for more than 3 weeks, imagining it growing, healthy, alive. And I know it will be better for my body to let it go. 
So in some ways I want to just do this thing.

But I know tomorrow will just suck ass in every way- physically, emotionally, spiritually. I wish on myself a day that marches forward with quiet deliberateness, where things are orderly and get done as they need to, no drama, no surprises. 


I can say this: I know I hope to be pregnant again, for longer next time, say, a nice even 37 weeks...
but next time, I hope to revel more, to go ahead and wear those maternity pants, to go ahead and dream big, and touch my belly and wonder more and worry less because by worrying so much, and in not trusting or believing that it was truly happening, in some ways I missed it.
I am not sure it will ever happen again. But if it does, even though I may be skeptical and fearful and scared out of my wits that things will go wrong at any moment, I promise, in ways I was not able to this time, I will revel.

39 comments:

IVF 40+ said...

I had to close my office door because I am crying, sobbing, yes because of the sadness but also becasue of you. You are amazing, in every way.
I am in awe.
EB

Anonymous said...

your in my prayers, i too have had a miscarriage so i can empathize... your not alone in the struggle

karen alonge said...

I want to say something comforting, but there are just no words. So instead I will imagine you wrapped up in snugly in a comforter made of sunshine, which will keep you warm, safe, and nourished while you grieve and heal.

Anonymous said...

Kate, you are amazing. I wish you all the stregnth you need to get through this tough time. Sending you lots and lots of support. You are in my thoughts constantly. Love, Jenn

Texas said...

I had a "missed" m/c my last pregnancy and the exact same thing happened. We saw the HB at 6 weeks and when we went back at 8 the baby had not developed past 6 weeks. It was as if we just caught the HB at the right moment- a moment long enough to make the experience even more heart wrenching.

If I could give you one piece of advice it would be to allow yourself to go through the full grieving process and feel all of those emotions. At one point I told myself that it hadn't gone that far and why was I so, so upset? But no matter what point it happens it still is a loss and it still hits you in the gut like a knife. But you will come out on the other side feeling more at peace and prepared to try again. Just stay positive and when that time comes again (and it will!!), do like you said - worry less and relish in the experience even more. Don't lose faith!!

Nic said...

Good luck for tomorrow, will be thinking of you. You are so brave and strong. Take care x

B. said...

While I'm truly grieving your loss, I know that what I'm feeling can't come close to what you're going through. I am so, so deeply sorry that this happened. It's hard to find the right words- please know that my thoughts are with you.

Tammy said...

I wish.
I wish.
I wish, for the right words.
I'm here.
I love you.
T

sprogblogger said...

Yes. Yes to everything, and especially yes to next time.

Get through this, however you can that's easiest on your heart and your body. And next time - for I truly do believe there will a next time for you - revel.

Yes.

Be well, my friend. Thinking of you.

What IF? said...

Oh Kate, NOOOOOO! I have been absent for a few days and just caught up now. I want to scream and shout at the universe for its unbelievable cruelty. You are so courageous and strong. My thoughts will be with you all day tomorrow, and thereafter.

K said...

Thank you for blogging today, through all of the pain. I was worried about you. Please take of yourself and remember you are not alone in this shit.

Joannah said...

My heart is still heavy for you. I just wish you didn't have to go through everything that's required. But, all things are a process, of course.

You remain in my prayers.

meinsideout said...

I am so overcome with sadness and anger for you, it is just so wrong. I wish that there was more that I could say or do.

I am thinking of you and will continue to do so. I am so, so sorry.

If I get pregnant again, even if for only two days, I too promise to revel in it.

((HUGS))

musicmakermomma said...

I am so sorry Kate. This just sucks. Wish there was something I could say that would take any part of your pain away. My heart is breaking for you, and it is such a weird deja vu from my own experience just a few weeks ago. It did help me to know there were other people out there who did understand. Please know that I'm thinking of you during this horrible time.

Hoping for better days ahead.

t said...

Thinking of you this morning and hoping you know we're all here for you. I have a shoulder here for you to lean on anytime. Kisses lady. And a great big squeeze.

Mo and Will said...

Oh Kate,

I am just catching up. I am so very sorry for what you're going through. Being pregnant, even for a short time, is such a gift. I have told myself the exact same thing - that should it happen to me again - I will revel in how ever long I am allowed to experience it.

My thoughts are with you.

Mo

babyinterrupted said...

Here through another blogger (In Vitro Veritas) - and so terribly sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you continue to feel the support of many, especially today. Peace.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. that's all I can say.

onwardandsideways said...

This is almost exactly how my m/c went. Exactly. I know what you are feeling right now, and I am so, so sorry.

You will make it through this.

Take good care of yourself.

Elizabeth said...

I am thinking of you today and imagining you moving forward through the day, through the process, just moving forward. Deep breaths; you are you; moving forward. My hope is that the day brings you whatever comfort it can, and that there is then space to greve and heal. And when you're ready, I'll imagine you reaching out to the next child, the one who is surely waiting for you. Love to you.

AmandaHoyt said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you.
Hugs,
Amanda

Barefoot said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts this weekend.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Here from L&F. I'm so sorry for your loss.
~~HUGS~~

And so it goes (AshaAnn) said...

Here from L&F. I wish there were words to say, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Not today and not through the journey of grief and healing.

Betty M said...

Here via Sprogblogger. I just had the same thing happen to me - heartbeat at 6w, gone by 8w. I am so very sorry that you have to do this too.

Michele said...

I am so very sorry. I've had several miscarriages and infant losses, and reading another person's grief breaks my heart. You dont want someone else to "KNOW" what it is like. It's not fair. And I'm so sorry.

Don't discount your mommyhood because of this blow. Your baby will be with you always. Always.

Cassandra said...

Here from Lost and Found...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that the D&C goes smoothly.

I also hope that you'll be able to revel as you say the next time, soon.

K said...

Kate I just wanted to stop by again. I know today is D&C day. And I just wanted you to know that everyone in bloggy world is talking about you on their blogs and wishing you well. Your blogs and inspirations have moved(and will continue to move) a lot of people. Find comfort in all of this please. You have touched us all.

Love,K.

meinsideout said...

thinking of you

Elizabeth said...

I am so sorry.

S said...

I'm so sorry about the death of your little one, and the fact that you have to have a d&c. As someone who has had 4 d&cs (5 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth), I can seriously tell you that I'd rather slit my wrists than undergo another one, but that would just be tempting fate.

It just sucks. There really are no words of comfort. My first ever miscarriage was the same way, our baby died at about 8.5 weeks and I carried him/her until 9.5 weeks clueless, happy, not spotting. It is such a cruel blow.

Your post ended on a positive note, and for that I am glad.

Thinking of you, hoping the d&c goes "smoothly" (eck) and the post-op recovery is speedy and your hormones get back to ground zero soon. Physically, you will be back to form shortly. But emotionally... that will take a little while.

Thinking of you.
xx

S

Stacey said...

I am terribly sad and sorry for your loss. The way you described grief in this post was so accurate and so powerful. It brought a lot of emotions back as I remembered past miscarriages. I'm saying prayers for you tonight.

(Here from LFCA)

What IF? said...

Just stopping by again to let you know that you've been in my thoughts all day.

Meg said...

I'm so sorry.

musicmakermomma said...

Kate, thinking of you today. Hope your body is healing and you are feeling better, although I'm sure you will feel the ache inside. May positive thoughts find you in this difficult time.

Grade A said...

My heart is breaking for you. And for the love of Pete, please do whatever feels right for you on Sunday. (And every day after that, but tomorrow especially.) Hugs and healing for you at this difficult time.

sprogblogger said...

Thinking of you today. Hoping you heal quickly and well, my friend.

Phoebe said...

So sorry for your loss. You and I are the same age and I know how it goes wondering if it will ever happen again. I believe it can, but first the grieving needs to have it's space. Big hugs your way!!

Natalie said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.... here from LCFA, and just had to leave a note. I recently had a loss myself. It... sucks.