27 May 2009

pieces and parts

Heartbreaking news from Mo and Will-- gosh darn.
I hate the inherent unfairness of this. I've spewed about it in a few comments here and there so will not do it again here, except to say- I wish this were more simple. Any of it. All of it. I wish wishing were enough to make things possible. And for those of you who are pregnant after IF or just pregnant the good old fashioned way, please do not question whether you deserve it, or if you cheated somehow-- know how important it is for us to know it is possible. And how wonderful to celebrate when this all works!

Sending BIG Love to Joannah, who finds herself in a different sort of battle these days-- her beloved is in the midst of a serious health scare that is humbling on all fronts.

I want to send love to all of the partners in California who had the rug ripped out from under them yesterday- for the simple act of wanting to marry. I will never understand this, and please do not flame me. No argument will change my mind. I just want to say that Love should be celebrated, since if we all just lived more from a place of love and in support of love rather than hate or ignorance or fear, life would be better for all of us.

Speaking of love, I know I don't speak of him often since I feel his story is his to tell- but I want to send a shout out to my sweetie. He has a blog he is quiet about and only updates on occasion, but he wrote his own perspective of our loss last night. One of the most difficult things about the miscarriage is that we both fell apart. In so many couple situations when one partner is in crisis, the other can be there to support-- but in this? For the first while, we sort of collapsed inward in a heap. He has mourned with me and I am grateful. And he has become my rock and I am grateful.

And me, I just came back from an hCG draw. Three cheers to the doctor who side-stepped protocol in support of my highest and best (also known as the remnants of my frayed sanity) and who understood that I need to see numbers. I need data. I need evidence that things are ok.
Tomorrow I go to my post D&C checkup where I expect I will be thoroughly rummaged.

I ended up hiking again this weekend, Monday morning. Sans dog shit, sans mosquitoes. No trauma, just a hike that left my legs shaking.

I asked my darlin' if my belly was back to my pre-pregnancy normal since I simply cannot tell anymore and he said yes. So, there you go. At least something is. Blues nipping at my heels these days and my footing sure feels uncertain. Gray and rainy today which feels heavy and raw.
Oh wait, that's me.


Sprogblogger said...

So glad your doc understands the need for data. And it will help, I'm sure. But I'm sorry you're feeling so gray today. I was so excited for Mo, and now, I'm feeling as disheartened as I have ever felt. (Because it's all about me, of course.) I can't even begin to imagine what they're feeling. I mean, I can, I just don't want to. Damn. I so want a few more of us to get out of this with our goal achieved, you know?
Hiking sounds marvelous. Your partner sounds marvelous. I'll go have a look at his blog.

Searching for Serenity said...

Keep hiking to keep those Blues in the dust. And never forget (not that you need a reminder) to keep your head up when walking towards the horizon.

Thinking of you.

Michele said...

thinking of you guys and hoping for you...

Joannah said...

Thanks for the love, girl.