12 May 2009

roaring and flailing

Wisdom tooth extraction scheduled: May 22nd
Follow up appointment with D&C doctor: May 28th
Follow up (shameless begging) with wonderful RE who was 'done' after last IVF failure: June 8th

My body feels pretty much like crap- lungs and neck are better from the breathing machine over-inflation, I am only spotting now, and not much of that at all (pantyshield level). But the cramping is persistent, and my whole middle begs for loose waist bands and gentle kindness. I cannot imagine poking it, or resting it on the sink edge, or sucking it in to hide the sad non-bump-bump. And if I walk much, the cramps are worse. It is SO HARD TO LISTEN TO MY BODY when it is telling me what I do not want to hear.

I am only a bare few days into this, I know. And healing takes time, I know. I do know.
I also know I am impatient to physically feel more like myself again in some way. Two weeks I tell myself, two weeks. Two weeks and then my body will be more healed. My chemistry should be re-equilibrating. This doc does not test for hCG but I am going to ask for that next week anyway. Next week and then the week after. Under these circumstances I want to see it become 0. I want to know we are clear to start again.

I woke this morning in the middle of a dream- of a wolf puppy that was going to be destroyed. I was carrying the puppy in my arms, knowing that this precious and wild creature was going to die for no good reason but other folk's fear and lack of knowledge. And I was crazy with grief at the thought of losing it and the waste of a beautiful life and something that I already loved so dearly.

Yeah, thanks subconscious for the artful subtlety.

I did receive the dreaded (but correctly anticipated) "oh honey, this is how nature takes care of its mistakes" comment today. Duly noted. Thanks so much. Bite me. Luckily I had imagined it would come, so my guard was up. And I let it wash by with a whoosh.

Ok, on the subject of my heart which I am somewhat avoiding- I am not sure what to say. I am trying to be gentle with it. It aches terribly. It makes sense that it is aching. I wanted this more than almost anything, and I still do.

Waking is the worst part, remembering.


Searching for Serenity said...

From your beautiful writings I can tell you have a strong spirit. We're all here with you, holding your hand while you take this journey. One step at a time.

Thinking of you.

Texas said...

Just give yourself time and if you need to let it out, do it! Cry, scream, yell, whatever. Just don't bottle up any emotions right now. The more you let yourself go through the process the faster you will feel like yourself again!

I have been in your shoes and totally understand what you are going through. Stay positive and know in your heart that everything will work out soon. It did for me so I firmly believe that it will for you as well! Hugs from TX :)

Michele said...

People can be so cruel. I'm so sorry...

Jenn said...

My dear Kate,

Your body will heal more quickly than you will realize, your spirit is strong and will bounce back in time, it's that darn Heart part that is the kicker I think!

Be gentle with yourself - in all ways.

Please know we will hold you up until you can do it on your own!


P.S. - I want to slap the sh*t out of the inconsiderate butthead who made that comment to you!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you had to hear that comment. I had a "friend" tell me after my second loss that maybe I should not get my hopes up so soon....and that way I would be less devastated. People can be thoughtless and I am sorry.

I hope that your physical healing speeds by - and as for the healing of the heart, I will be here to listen.

IVF 40+ said...

Spirits sour when they are ready and often it's before our consciousness is ready. One day, not far from now, we will be soaring again. I promise.

t said...

Take your time love. I know the pace of it is killing you. Wish I could sweep you away for a few weeks. Thinking of you often.