Wisdom tooth extraction scheduled: May 22nd
Follow up appointment with D&C doctor: May 28th
Follow up (shameless begging) with wonderful RE who was 'done' after last IVF failure: June 8th
My body feels pretty much like crap- lungs and neck are better from the breathing machine over-inflation, I am only spotting now, and not much of that at all (pantyshield level). But the cramping is persistent, and my whole middle begs for loose waist bands and gentle kindness. I cannot imagine poking it, or resting it on the sink edge, or sucking it in to hide the sad non-bump-bump. And if I walk much, the cramps are worse. It is SO HARD TO LISTEN TO MY BODY when it is telling me what I do not want to hear.
I am only a bare few days into this, I know. And healing takes time, I know. I do know.
I also know I am impatient to physically feel more like myself again in some way. Two weeks I tell myself, two weeks. Two weeks and then my body will be more healed. My chemistry should be re-equilibrating. This doc does not test for hCG but I am going to ask for that next week anyway. Next week and then the week after. Under these circumstances I want to see it become 0. I want to know we are clear to start again.
I woke this morning in the middle of a dream- of a wolf puppy that was going to be destroyed. I was carrying the puppy in my arms, knowing that this precious and wild creature was going to die for no good reason but other folk's fear and lack of knowledge. And I was crazy with grief at the thought of losing it and the waste of a beautiful life and something that I already loved so dearly.
Yeah, thanks subconscious for the artful subtlety.
I did receive the dreaded (but correctly anticipated) "oh honey, this is how nature takes care of its mistakes" comment today. Duly noted. Thanks so much. Bite me. Luckily I had imagined it would come, so my guard was up. And I let it wash by with a whoosh.
Ok, on the subject of my heart which I am somewhat avoiding- I am not sure what to say. I am trying to be gentle with it. It aches terribly. It makes sense that it is aching. I wanted this more than almost anything, and I still do.
Waking is the worst part, remembering.