This morning when I woke up, I realized as I stayed very still that in that moment I felt remarkably normal. In that moment, my body felt like mine. No cramping or twinging or soreness or tenderness or heaviness. Just me.
I did not want to move, I just wanted to stay just.like.that all day long.
My hour of acupuncture last night was incredibly challenging. Lying there, head and heart roaring and a lump in my throat, I asked if he could use the "pith" point so I would not lie there torturing myself and he patted my shoulder and put in a crown point. For an hour I tried not trying but that did not work- my brain just brought me back to sad things and images and wishes and whatifs... Then I tried to bring my mind back to healing, over and over and over, like herding feral cats with ill intent (the cats, not the herding). I tried to open myself to rebalancing. Tried to relax. Sometimes when I am lying there, it feels I am holding myself up on my heels and the back of my head and it takes an inordinate amount of effort to let go.
I am having a hard time not marking time-- a week ago today, or this would have been 10 weeks, or...
I am trying very hard to say this is day 6 of my in-between cycle. Somehow reframing this away from the pregnancy and on to the next step of rebuilding my body for whatever comes next.
I am off on business trip these next few days. Luckily it will be mixed in with sister love tonight and saturday night, and a fine dose of cousin love on friday night.
I will check in when I can.