13 May 2009

just me

This morning when I woke up, I realized as I stayed very still that in that moment I felt remarkably normal. In that moment, my body felt like mine. No cramping or twinging or soreness or tenderness or heaviness. Just me.
I did not want to move, I just wanted to stay just.like.that all day long.

My hour of acupuncture last night was incredibly challenging. Lying there, head and heart roaring and a lump in my throat, I asked if he could use the "pith" point so I would not lie there torturing myself and he patted my shoulder and put in a crown point. For an hour I tried not trying but that did not work- my brain just brought me back to sad things and images and wishes and whatifs... Then I tried to bring my mind back to healing, over and over and over, like herding feral cats with ill intent (the cats, not the herding). I tried to open myself to rebalancing. Tried to relax. Sometimes when I am lying there, it feels I am holding myself up on my heels and the back of my head and it takes an inordinate amount of effort to let go.

yeah. that.

I am having a hard time not marking time-- a week ago today, or this would have been 10 weeks, or...
I am trying very hard to say this is day 6 of my in-between cycle. Somehow reframing this away from the pregnancy and on to the next step of rebuilding my body for whatever comes next.

I am off on business trip these next few days. Luckily it will be mixed in with sister love tonight and saturday night, and a fine dose of cousin love on friday night.
I will check in when I can.

12 comments:

Michele said...

I still mark time... It's been almost 15.5 months since Nicholas was born... almost 15 months since Sophia was born... 5.5 months since Alexander was born... I even mark our miscarriages, too, although not as severely as I once did. For a long time, I marked the days... hours... minutes... I still look at the clock at their birth times and death times, but I no longer catalog how many minutes have passed since they were born or died.

Sending you warm thoughts...

Jenn said...

Kate,

Just some more hugs for you!

(((((((((Kate))))))))))))))

Sarah said...

maybe this is a good time to get away. i hope at the least the travels go easily.

IVF 40+ said...

You made me realize I have stopped marking time. And at my last acupuncture session I bawled, mouth open and all snotty. It did wonders me wonders to let it all out. As does using the punchbag at the gym.
Just a thought
EB

littlebitofsomething said...

glad you had that moment and i'm sure the acupuncture will help get you back to your grounding. it always helped me work through the fear and anger better than anything else. have a lovely time away.

Joannah said...

You've been in my thoughts and prayers.

((hugs))

onwardandsideways said...

Healing does take time. I hope as the days pass that you will find more days where you wake and don't think of this first thing.

I am so very sorry you've had to go through this. It is the most awful thing that no woman should ever have to experience.

I hope this will make you stronger somehow and that you'll get some answers soon as to what you want to do next.

I'll be rooting for ya!

meinsideout said...

((HUGS)) I mark my miscarriages, especially my first. I hope the trip goes well, will be thinking of you as I am traveling for business too.

musicmakermomma said...

I'm so glad you are feeling like your body is coming back to you - I'm feeling that way too. The worst part of the time-keeping is when I check a blog of someone who was lined up with my cycle and they are so many weeks pregnant. I hope you continue to heal, but part of the healing includes the pain (which sucks).
Thinking of you.

Barefoot said...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I hope that your business trip and family visits are healing.

Grade A said...

Sometimes I think it would be nice if we could turn off our brains. Then I realize that eventually we would have to turn them back on and all the junk would still be there. There is no antibiotic ointment for this kind of healing, but sister and cousin love sure do make one feel better in the mean time. Thinking of you.

M

meinsideout said...

Kate - I hope your trip went well. I have been thinking of you.