negative/positive

So I noticed that the dollar store was out of pregnancy tests -- but listen, if you go and do not see them, ask. Since the next store I went to also did not have them, and I overcame my introversion and asked and they fished them out from under the counter at the checkout.

Last night I used one, and

negative.

I think this is cause for celebration of a kind-- a YAY, next time we get a positive at least we will know what it is trying to tell us, but such a sad feeling too-- since, as we all know, I may never see that second line again. 

I've been charting my temperature and fertility friend says it thinks I ovulated right before I saw my D&C doctor last week, and we totally completely and wholly missed the window if that is true. So that feels pretty darn frustrating. I've been testing for LH for two weeks, twice a day for the past week, and have seen nothing more than the faintest of faint lines twice in that time, not even enough to say Here it comes! or There it goes! So I feel a little duped. But, as my wonderful sister says, sometimes it is not so clear-- sometimes bodies give mixed signals and maybe this cycle is not over in that particular way. But I kind of think it is. I will know for sure, of course, if my period shows up in a week and a half. 

I finally got some real sleep friday night, slept until 10 yesterday morning. I needed it. I've been dragging physically, but one of the most frustrating things is dragging mentally.  I've searching for words with exasperation-- Salvage-- see? A word I needed on friday just finally presented itself. Thank you vocabulary center, better late than never I suppose.

When I get under stress, real prolonged stress, I start to get more and more intermittent in my ability to retrieve words from deep inside my head. As my dear friend Tammy says, nouns are the first to go and she is right.  But then, I find it hard to get at any words that matter, nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs... I find myself using "thingy" as an all purpose replacement just so I do not just stand there in frustrated silence. In writing, I can pause and search my brain, and come up with suitable options, but in speaking, the silences are unbearable for me. They feel like they last forever.  So help me if the word "thingy" goes.  I'll be lost.

I took a hike yesterday afternoon-- not my usual time since the trail is always more crowded after early morning, but by then the grass was cut and errands had been run. And it was beautiful and difficult and I just let my brain do whatever the hell it wanted since these days any kind of zen moment of being in the now is really really fleeting. It was nice not to struggle (hmm maybe it was zen). 

I confess I tried to send some energy out into the ether, an invitation to reconnect with some sort of baby energy in the way that I had connected before. But I also know, if I look for a specific sensation, I might just miss the whole thing.  But I am feeling kind of lonely- like I am not sure what I am aiming for-- I mean I know what I am wanting, but it was easier to move toward a specific feeling like last time when I so surprisingly felt that thin thread of connection. 

But for now? Nothing. And I admit this is one of the hardest things.