31 May 2009

negative/positive

So I noticed that the dollar store was out of pregnancy tests -- but listen, if you go and do not see them, ask. Since the next store I went to also did not have them, and I overcame my introversion and asked and they fished them out from under the counter at the checkout.

Last night I used one, and
negative.

I think this is cause for celebration of a kind-- a YAY, next time we get a positive at least we will know what it is trying to tell us, but such a sad feeling too-- since, as we all know, I may never see that second line again. 

I've been charting my temperature and fertility friend says it thinks I ovulated right before I saw my D&C doctor last week, and we totally completely and wholly missed the window if that is true. So that feels pretty darn frustrating. I've been testing for LH for two weeks, twice a day for the past week, and have seen nothing more than the faintest of faint lines twice in that time, not even enough to say Here it comes! or There it goes! So I feel a little duped. But, as my wonderful sister says, sometimes it is not so clear-- sometimes bodies give mixed signals and maybe this cycle is not over in that particular way. But I kind of think it is. I will know for sure, of course, if my period shows up in a week and a half. 

I finally got some real sleep friday night, slept until 10 yesterday morning. I needed it. I've been dragging physically, but one of the most frustrating things is dragging mentally.  I've searching for words with exasperation-- Salvage-- see? A word I needed on friday just finally presented itself. Thank you vocabulary center, better late than never I suppose.

When I get under stress, real prolonged stress, I start to get more and more intermittent in my ability to retrieve words from deep inside my head. As my dear friend Tammy says, nouns are the first to go and she is right.  But then, I find it hard to get at any words that matter, nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs... I find myself using "thingy" as an all purpose replacement just so I do not just stand there in frustrated silence. In writing, I can pause and search my brain, and come up with suitable options, but in speaking, the silences are unbearable for me. They feel like they last forever.  So help me if the word "thingy" goes.  I'll be lost.

I took a hike yesterday afternoon-- not my usual time since the trail is always more crowded after early morning, but by then the grass was cut and errands had been run. And it was beautiful and difficult and I just let my brain do whatever the hell it wanted since these days any kind of zen moment of being in the now is really really fleeting. It was nice not to struggle (hmm maybe it was zen). 

I confess I tried to send some energy out into the ether, an invitation to reconnect with some sort of baby energy in the way that I had connected before. But I also know, if I look for a specific sensation, I might just miss the whole thing.  But I am feeling kind of lonely- like I am not sure what I am aiming for-- I mean I know what I am wanting, but it was easier to move toward a specific feeling like last time when I so surprisingly felt that thin thread of connection. 
But for now? Nothing. And I admit this is one of the hardest things.

7 comments:

Sprogblogger said...

Hey Kate, I know what you mean about mentally dragging. My mom has MS and blames her occasional word-loss on that, but I have to remind her that when I'm stressed out I do it, my brother does it, and her mom always did it. I think it's a way of coping, when your brain wants to be left alone, wants to heal from something.

I hope you can find - or rebuild - that connection you're seeking. It's hard to feel so empty, so momentarily aimless. It'll pass, though. I honestly have every expectation that you and I are going to be comparing pregnancy, baby, and child notes for the next 20 years or so.

Drinking decaf coffee and thinking of you.

Grade A said...

I had a visual of you on your journey as I read your latest entries. I'm not telling you how to feel, please don't get me wrong, but I saw that you used to be in the goopy, boot-removing mud up to your knees, and now it seems to be at your ankles. (Or maybe to you it feels like it's still at your calves.) My point is, the maybe-missed ovulation (I HATE that) and the nothing feeling sound awful, and I'm hoping and wishing that it is just a brief moment of nothingness, like a pause on a hike and that very soon, you will take another step, and it will feel like positive progress. You said it best: "negative/positive:" after the negative comes the positive. Here's hoping for the ultimate positive.

IVF 40+ said...

your posts are so well written - even if you are experiencing muddy brain. i know what you mean about the lonely feeling, it is something I felt before but just didn't recognise it.

Elizabeth said...

Hi Kate -- thanks so much for your kind post on the Liam blog; it was really nice acknowledgement for me. You got it very right, although I don't make it though any one day, let alone the days, with half as much grace and good will as I would like. We have our hard times, and it's a crappy, crappy situation; that's for sure. Chronic illness is isolating and horrible; and the knowledge, for sure, that whatever happens, we can't make plans together for very far in the future. I try hard to keep the blog a positive place; often at the expense of whatever frusturation or sadness I'm really feeling. On the other hand, it helps me try to find the good in each day. I remain so, so very sorry for your hard journey and terrible loss, so hopeful for your future, and so pleased to be "sharing" even a little of it with you. All the best.

Jenn said...

Dear Kate,

Just dropping you a line to say I am thinking of you.

I hope each day as you muddle along that the hurt is easing up a bit and that your heart will be able repair itself.

In the meantime, know that where ever you are in your healing journey - is right where you are supposed to be!

I am holding your hand- right beside you!

HUGS

Michele said...

thinking of you and hoping in the reaching out, you feel the baby energy reaching back...

littlebitofsomething said...

thinking of you lady. it's bittersweet reaching that negative test. it's an end and a beginning. just let that road open up before you as it will.