rice-a-roni

I was writing to sweet Magsy of Grade A and realized that perhaps a big part of my pain here is that it feels like I dreamed it. I made it up. It never happened.

There was so much about getting pregnant that felt impossible, the odds, the conversion, the intensity of my sadness the day we did the hail mary, rice-a-roni (thank you for playing, here's your parting gift) IUI.

The positive test was pure joy, no question. I jumped up and down and squealed like a girl. Very unlike me.

But then, then there was my inability to believe it was actually true, that it was actually happening. Except for the exhaustion and my expanding waistline, it felt impossible. I just simply could not believe it. And then we saw the heartbeat. But in the interest of full disclosure, by then (the weekend prior) I felt I had lost the connection with the babyspirit (I do not know what else to call it), and that flicker on the screen, miraculous, wonderful, amazing, did not feel truly real either. It almost felt outside of me. (There, up on the screen, not here, inside of me right this very moment).

But then a few weeks passed and I tried so hard to be open to creating a different connection with the baby and I almost felt I was succeeding.
And I felt bigger. My body started to change in ways that others could see. I started to imagine this working anyway, even without my complete trust that it would. I counted the days until I would be done with the first trimester and could relax a little. I bought maternity pants. I imagined that little flicker. And then that day of the 9w scan when I expected to see everything was ok, and that it was me who was making worry out of nothing, that ultrasound, that flicker free 6w sac... oh yes, the miscarriage felt real. I felt such immense loss that it was only my previous experience with big grief that let me know I would survive it and not just disintegrate into a billion pieces.

But now, a mere 3+ weeks later, it feels impossible. Not the loss, but the having.

I am not saying this well.

I think this is part of my struggle-- having had something and losing it. But the hole is also from my lack of feeling that it was really happening. I feel like I missed it.

Today I re-read Dooce's post on her 2007 miscarriage.
And now I get it in a way I certainly did not at the time.

And then I read her uplifting and hopeful piece on her current pregnancy that made me feel like things are possible. In part she says:

"I think I've realized that most of the mechanics of this process are out of my control, and while I can ensure that I am physically and emotionally as healthy as I can be, a lot of this is left up to the mercy of nature. And I have experienced an almost overwhelming sense of freedom and calm in letting myself go to that notion."

Right after my miscarriage, my mom told me something a doctor had told her when she was carrying me and bleeding heavily (and she is pretty sure she lost a twin)-- she said her doctor told her that when this is going to work there is almost nothing you can reasonably do to mess it up, and when it isn't, there is nothing you can do to change that either.

Dooce seems to have plugged into the first point, and me? I have to make sure I somehow don't become paralyzed in fear of point #2.

Made the appointment with CCRM for a consult next week after our meeting with our RE.
Am wondering too about SIRM, anyone have experiences at any of their clinics? They seem to have a wide range of protocols they consider for folks like me.

I was sold on medicated IUIs, but having scared myself with shitty statistics and commentary about lack of success for folks my age, I am reevaluating.