07 June 2009

agnostiKate and the babyspirit

The wind is rustling the leaves today, a background shhhhhhhhhhh that is almost like water. And this morning's blue blue sky has given over to clouds. This is where I take solace, in slices of sky and the crazy green of cinnamon ferns unfurling in my back clearing, in the big moon rising last night, or as I hiked yesterday, noticing the blueberries have set fruit, and the crazy calliope song of the woodthrushes that makes my heart flutter that I listened to the entire hike. On the far hills that I can see from the top, I can see every single birch tree standing out against the green, each trunk bent and curved under the memory of the weight of last winter's ice storm. They will not straighten again. Once bent like that, bowed under sustained weight, they stay bowed.

Right now I am having a moment of stillness after fits and starts of non-linear activity. Moment by moment, the sun dapples through and is blanketed again by clouds. At the end of every hemlock branch, I see there is a light green cluster of needles, new growth. 

House has been cleaned and vacuumed and swiffered and the toilet has been scrubbed, laundry has been done and done and done, flowers transplanted, garden weeded and watered, trellis reinforced, mortgage refinanced, hills hiked, legs shaved, toenails painted and I still feel as if I need to DO something. I am rereading harry potter, from the beginning since book 6 (where I was in my previous re-read) was just too dark for my current tender mood. I needed escape, and something that will not make me cry.  And so far, this is working just fine. But it will only last so long: I am open to book suggestions. 

I am not manic, just trying to manage this time of in-between. I am about 5 days away from my period, most likely. I imagine it will come friday or saturday. I am no longer harboring fantasies of being pregnant this month by miracle or divine intervention.  My temperature rise has been too sustained. And ovulation was too early, before we were cleared for sex. 

But I look forward in some odd way to getting my period, and feeling as if things are working. Tomorrow we may know more about what's next.  Our RE appointment is at 10. I am already belly-flutteringly butt-tinglingly nervous, as if it is an interview for a job I need to get. My blood work this week showed the hCG falling but not fallen-- 21 is clearly not under 5. So I will re-do the bloodwork this week. I am not sure we can proceed until it is low enough, but maybe I'll get lucky. And still, and yet, I am not sure what the RE will agree to. He had said he was done. BUT as sweet Sarah from For the Flavor (now in her 20th week!) so sweetly pointed out, maybe he will be willing to try something after all since we did, in fact, conceive. And he agreed to meet with us. So, I am hopeful and scared. 

As for my heart, the low grade blueness has been pretty sustained. But during mediation during yoga this past thursday, I did a little visualization- put it out there to the universe that I am ready to connect with babyenergy, or whatevertheheckIshouldcallit, and I was looking waaaaay up, imagining looking up into the clouds and not really expecting anything, just being. And then I heard a snarky little "hello!  I'm right here!"  from right in front of me, from an arm's reach from my belly. And I felt like one of those times where someone is pointing at something excitedly and you look too far away at the horizon wondering what it is you're supposed to see and almost get hit by a bus.

And I was hit instead by quiet relief. And an odd kind of quiet peace-- and I asked questions, of course, because that is what I do-- and I got the answers, of yes, this will be hard but not as hard.  I also kind of felt another presence behind me, shyer, much less snarky/playful/inyourface... so I am not sure what it means or what it is or whatever, but, I do know this: I felt better. I feel better. And my blueness pretty much just vanished.

So, poor agnostiKate says this: I don't care what or why or if or whatever. I am not going to let my brain's desire to call it all complete bullshit undermine and erase it.  I just am glad I feel better. Ok little snarky spirit, we're on. Just please don't make it too hard.


Michele said...

fingers crossed for a good appt!

Nic said...

What kind of books are you into? I like fantasy and crime fiction. Fantasy books I like are His Dark Materials Trilogy and The Tartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud. I read all of Patricia Cornwall and James Patterson crime fiction books.
I wasnt a fan of book 6 or 7 of Harry Potter, I agree, too dark.

Sarah said...

I hope the appt goes well! I'm reading a book I LOVE right now but I will warn you, it's somewhat....melancholy. At least to start, which is where I am. But it's wonderful enough to share anyway: Unaccustomed Earth, last name something like Lahiri.

Elizabeth said...

Beautiful. . .I honor and belive in your connection; even when the thoughts, thoughts get after our sprirt selves and have their way, we can reach to that other way of knowing, ones other wisdom. It is so hard to trust ourselves during all the ART stuff; so hard. I will be hoping that you, your sweetie, the doc, all see a good path tomorrow, one that answers enough questions and that you can walk with openness and optimism.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I love reading about your hikes and meditations. I'm glad you've found the spirit of a little one to ease your blues. Cheers to the upcoming new cycle. I hope you get info from the RE that you can use. A long time ago I read a book called "The Eight" and remember liking it a lot. The female character is great, the story jumps in time. I'm sure you could get it from the library. http://www.amazon.com/Eight-Katherine-Neville/dp/0345419081/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1244447266&sr=8-1

Jenn said...


I hope each day that your blueness lessens and you feel more comfortable in your mind, body and spirit!

I also wanted to send you a special hug!

Kate said...

What a beautiful post, Kate. I remember a very similar moment post-miscarriage. I think it was about 4 weeks post D&C, and I just sensed this sense of relief and was suddenly able to look to the future instead of the past. I didn't feel any less sad (god, I STILL feel sad about it), but I just felt lighter. I felt able to move forward.

Hope your appointment today goes well. I'll be thinking of you.