midsummer's eve

I always feel a little sad this time of year, not a big sad-- I know it sounds crazy to be sad at all, since solstice marks the beginning of summer, of outdoor time and sunshine (if this rain ever stops), of greening and growing and fruit and vegetables.

But it also marks the day when the amount of daylight begins to shrink, by mere minutes each day of course, but tangibly each week.. and for me this is a really hard transition.

A few days ago I talked about desperation-- how much I hate it, how much it brings out the worst in me...
This slow loss of light makes me feel a bit of that too-- wait! wait! don't go! I did not really have you yet! I just want it to stay a while longer.

On my hike today I let my mind off-leash, and watched it run around a million miles for each step I took up the hill. I watched my mind leap around, watched it wishing and fantasizing about how I would like things to be. And I know and noticed I have a hard time keeping clear in what I wish for, it keeps gets tangled up in all that I fear.

It was a wet hike, and buggy, but I walked fast and farther than usual.
I noticed that it is hard to look too far ahead when you are walking a trail strewn with roots and stones. You have to look down, see where you are and where you are going next, choose your footfalls carefully. If you look too far ahead, you'll stumble.
Looking down, I saw a garter snake in the blueberry bushes, and a white white moth lying still against the dark mud of the trail.

When I stood still I looked up at the ragged bottomed clouds as they moved south fast enough to make me feel I was falling backwards.
At one overlook, crows were flying so low I could see their wing feathers bend at the tips with each beat, and I noticed their open beaks as they passed overhead...

The new moon tonight marks a new beginning, time to plant and plan and dream big. I know I am missing a clear dark sky up above those rain clouds-- it is raining big fat drops that drum on the roof, I am missing the stars.