so here I was, blithely complaining about being uncomfortable about not doing anything this cycle...
and then I have this influx of information and possible possibilities and options and proceed to freak the fuck out and feel I have to do something right now! decide! take action! As if, if I don't, all will be lost.
Talk about Uncomfortable! Luckily that feeling eventually passed.
So I do not have to do anything right-this-moment, I do not have to decide or take action or freak out. And really? It would not matter anyway, it would not change where I am right now.
Here's what I know: I know I/we cannot afford CCRM. We just can't. I am glad I asked, I am glad I know. Now I have to rustle up the gumption to cancel.
I came across some interesting articles on the grand chicago IVF clinic site about PGD, and it made me think about what it could mean, both positive and negative-- check it out if you want to raise doubt in your heart.
But, because I am nothing if not curious, and I am still curious about PGD and how it might help me have a successful pregnancy (assuming I make embryos), I took If Optimist's great advice and started to explore ARC related clinics-- there's only one nearby, in Boston, and I wrote yesterday for information.
I always assumed I am ineligible for those sorts of buy-in-bulk programs since my age is advanced (I finally stopped reading details for those programs on most clinic sites since most were for the below 38 crowd for non-DE cycles)... but this one does not make that stipulation obvious, so I should just ask. Gather information. Forge ahead in the meantime.
As an IFer, I've done my compulsive and compulsitory research-- where to go, who is supposedly best (that's how I got to CCRM)-- but I also have some serious limitations I have to work within-- financial limitations, work limitations (which leads back to the first point), scheduling with my darlin', and time.
I am not sure we will make a change, I am not sure we won't. I just know I want to make educated decisions when I can, but sometimes, like this time, education does not matter, money does. And while that does suck rocks, it is still the truth.
Ok something else is weighing on me and I need to get it out there.
So here's a little detour about assumptions-- I realize this does not necessarily matter per se, but I started to feel like I am lying by omission: my sweetie and I are not married.
When folks assume it, whether it be clinics, or sweet commenters who've assumed it-- I've wondered, if I should correct the assumption or not. If he were a she, I would. So I asked myself, what of it? Does it matter? No, not really.So when a clinic says it, I just go along. But at the same time, sometimes, yes it does. It does because I am the kind of person who wants to be honest when I can, and I want to be honest here on my blog-- so here you go.
So the next obvious question for some folks who read me here will be, why not? Well, I was married once (read the "about" in my other, rarely updated blog), and not much scares me more than doing that again. At some point I sure hope I realize in my scared heart that a new marriage would not be the same marriage, it would not follow the same tragic trajectory. I want to be able to be open to it, but I'm not. So, until I am, here we are.
I guess that may be what this post is all about.
No matter what I may wish,
this is where I am. And today? Call it resignation, or reality, or battle fatigue, but today in the shitstrewn aftermath of the storm of possibilities that came and went and left me flattened, I am feeling remarkably ok. And I sure as hell am Not going to question it.