17 June 2009

breathing in, breathing out

so here I was, blithely complaining about being uncomfortable about not doing anything this cycle...
and then I have this influx of information and possible possibilities and options and proceed to freak the fuck out and feel I have to do something right now! decide! take action! As if, if I don't, all will be lost.
Talk about Uncomfortable! Luckily that feeling eventually passed.

So I do not have to do anything right-this-moment, I do not have to decide or take action or freak out. And really? It would not matter anyway, it would not change where I am right now

Here's what I know: I know I/we cannot afford CCRM. We just can't. I am glad I asked, I am glad I know. Now I have to rustle up the gumption to cancel.

I came across some interesting articles on the grand chicago IVF clinic site about PGD, and it made me think about what it could mean, both positive and negative-- check it out if you want to raise doubt in your heart.

But, because I am nothing if not curious, and I am still curious about PGD and how it might help me have a successful pregnancy (assuming I make embryos), I took If Optimist's great advice and started to explore ARC related clinics-- there's only one nearby, in Boston, and I wrote yesterday for information.

I always assumed I am ineligible for those sorts of buy-in-bulk programs since my age is advanced (I finally stopped reading details for those programs on most clinic sites since most were for the below 38 crowd for non-DE cycles)... but this one does not make that stipulation obvious, so I should just ask. Gather information. Forge ahead in the meantime.

As an IFer, I've done my compulsive and compulsitory research-- where to go, who is supposedly best (that's how I got to CCRM)-- but I also have some serious limitations I have to work within-- financial limitations, work limitations (which leads back to the first point), scheduling with my darlin', and time.

I am not sure we will make a change, I am not sure we won't. I just know I want to make educated decisions when I can, but sometimes, like this time, education does not matter, money does. And while that does suck rocks, it is still the truth.


Ok something else is weighing on me and I need to get it out there.
So here's a little detour about assumptions-- I realize this does not necessarily matter per se, but I started to feel like I am lying by omission: my sweetie and I are not married.

When folks assume it, whether it be clinics, or sweet commenters who've assumed it-- I've wondered, if I should correct the assumption or not. If he were a she, I would. So I asked myself, what of it? Does it matter? No, not really.So when a clinic says it, I just go along. But at the same time, sometimes, yes it does. It does because I am the kind of person who wants to be honest when I can, and I want to be honest here on my blog-- so here you go.

So the next obvious question for some folks who read me here will be, why not? Well, I was married once (read the "about" in my other, rarely updated blog), and not much scares me more than doing that again. At some point I sure hope I realize in my scared heart that a new marriage would not be the same marriage, it would not follow the same tragic trajectory. I want to be able to be open to it, but I'm not. So, until I am, here we are.

I guess that may be what this post is all about.
No matter what I may wish,
this is where I am. And today? Call it resignation, or reality, or battle fatigue, but today in the shitstrewn aftermath of the storm of possibilities that came and went and left me flattened, I am feeling remarkably ok. And I sure as hell am Not going to question it.


sprogblogger said...

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more at-ease with where things are. Not good about them, because, damn, some things aren't good, and IF is definitely Not Good. But glad you're wrapping your mind around where you are and what your options are, and VERY glad you're exploring all your options.

As far as the married/not married thing goes, the Boy & I were in the same boat when we first started TTC. I had no real desire to get married again, and we ended up doing it last fall as a hedge against eventual adoption. (If we end up adopting, it's going to be easier if we've been officially married for a while.)

As far as telling - or correcting - others? I think it's entirely up to you. If you're not opposed to the state of marriage per se, then perhaps you can just translate in your brain when someone asks where your husband is - assume they mean "man you spend your life with" instead of "man you said the words with". If you object - as others of my friends do - to marriage as a political/sexual insitution, then by all means correct people who make an unwarranted assumption. I think it's up to you, and no one else BUT you. Because in the end? 'Taint no one's business but your own.

Nic said...

You are sounding a little happier today, am pleased. It makes no difference whether you are married or not. If you feel uncomfortable with people calling him your husband then correct them. If it makes no difference to you, then it is sometimes easier just leaving it as it is. The most important thing is how you feel about it.

Michele said...

Good for you for investigating. Very good work! It is always good to have as much info as you possibly can have.

As to your husband/not husband relationship with your sweetie. Marriage takes place in your heart. The wedding, the paperwork, it's all extra. If you feel like he is your husband in life and practice, regardless of your legal status, he is. And if you dont, then I dont think anyone would be offended if you corrected them.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I'm so glad to read you are checking into the ARC options. As I understood things, the 3 cycle + option did not have age restrictions, but cost was adjusted due to risk. Again, if this can work out to be the cost of a car payment, then maybe it's something that is possible. Good luck. BTW-If I win the lottery, you're getting a freebie from me, we'll both go for an all expenses paid vacay to CCRM. (Now I have to just go out and buy one of those f-king tickets.)

As for the married thang, it's no big deal. MrBeep and I were together for 12 years. Very happy, very much committed to each other. If people called him my husband, I went along with it. When necessary I called him my sweetie, "boyfriend" is just SO HIGH SCHOOL.

When we were going to start GYN surgery and IVF route (TTC megaland) I said, "Well if we do have a family, do you want to be married? I am fine either way." He smiled and said, "Yeah, I want to be married to you first." So Yay! We had a ceremony in a nearby forest glen. We had men in skirts and spent all the budget on food and beer and wine and giving a big fat donation to our favorite local state park for hosting the event.

Anonymous said...

so glad in my heart that you are feeling okay. married/not married - i feel like it is just a label and some people probably give labels too much weight - whatever you are comfortable with! ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog and I so hope you and your sweetie are able to have your dream come true.
I have had PGD testing and I feel the need to comment - I am 43 and have had 5 IVF's. One resulted in a healthy pregnancy and I gave birth to my son at age 42.
The IVF that I chose to do pgd testing ($4,300) resulted in 3 "normal" embryos. I was elated, all 3 were transfered, but that ended with a chemical pregnancy.
I know you have been doing the research, but PGD does not guarantee a pregnancy.
PGD is great for people who have a surplus of embryos (I had 17) and need to determine what to save/freeze or for more complicated genetic issues.
But, at the end of the day, when money competes with our hearts desire, it may not be worth the investment.
I had a wonderful and well know doctor at FCI (Fertility Centers of Illinois in Chicago) and if you only end up with a few embryos on day 3 or 5, you might be better off just putting them all back in.
There is much to be learned from each cycle as you are going through it, and, each cycle is different.
Don't feel like you need to make the PGD decision now. You can wait until your retrieval.
Your doctor will guide you as will the genetisists.
It can happen for you - hang in there. I know several other people who had healthy babies at our age w/o pgd testing through IVF.

Joannah said...

I hope you find the best, affordable program you can. It just stinks that money has to be a deciding factor in something that is so of the heart.

While I am a big fan of marriage (I've never been happier - even with all our challenges), I don't judge you and your sweetie at all. My BFF is also in a committed relationship and TTC. I wish you and her all the luck in the world at what you're trying to do. We started TTC several months before our wedding. The biological clock was ticking. Even my mother told me it was okay to start trying. If you knew my mother, you'd be as amazed as I was to hear her say that. LOL!

What IF? said...

My Dh and I were together for many years before we married. I've always felt that whether we were married or not made no difference - it's the love and commitment that counts. As far as correcting people, or not, well, I always heard "partner/man in my life" while we were unmarried and rarely corrected people. Of course, how one reacts depends entirely on the context of what is said and who said it. Whatever you feel comfortable with, is what goes. :-)

What IF? said...

Kate, have you considered cycling with CNY in Syracuse, NY? Even if you haven't, using their fees to benchmark will hopefuly help your research on the financial front.

They have a 6 cycle discount plan (not a refund plan, no age or other criteria to be met) for $13,500. I had my heart set on cycling at Cornell, but in the end we just couldn't afford it and went to CNY. So glad we did...

CNY Fertility's per-cycle IVF plan is also one of the cheapest I've come across. (First cycle $5,500, second cycle $4,500, third and subsequent cycles, $3,500.) For each of these cycles, you can pay a large portion on a 12-month interest free basis, which is what we did.)


Dr. Kiltz is the owner, and does all the retrievals/transfers at the Syracuse office himself. He was willing to give us a free cycle if no sperm was found during Dh's aspiration. They also offer alternative therapies next door, at CNY Healing Arts, which he also owns. (I went for fertilty acupuncture treatments there - very convenient because they work around the patient's unpredictable retrieval/transfer schedules.)

Since you're looking at IUI rather than IVF, I'm not sure how the cost would differ, but across the board, even with donor oocytes, their prices are very competitive. Email Tracey or Lori (their emails are on the link above.)

Also, they handle tons of out-of-town patients, and I've met their out-of-town nurse coordinator, Linda. She's a sweetie.

Good luck!