I hate feeling anything like desperation. And there is so much bullshit desperation in this-- desperate for a plan, for success, for a pregnancy that holds and results in a healthy baby, a healthy kate. I get all tangled and reactive when I feel as if I am cornered and have to make a decision or take action in some sort of immediate now-or-never sort of way.
When really, this is not about now or never.
The emotional side of this journey feels so desperate so often, as if somehow urgency can change the outcome or make things clearer. When in fact, it just muddles it up.
I need to get my head and heart around the fact that this is simply about what is next.
I canceled the appointment at CCRM.
I called Boston IVF yesterday and have an appointment for tuesday for a consultation with the guy who handles many of their older patients. Their prices are not as incredibly horrific as CCRM, not immediately prohibitive, and they do work with ARC for financing. But/and the ARC prices are dependent on age and I am almost afraid to call.
So, I am gathering options, ideas, and information.
Today I will get an update on my hCG level. I have no expectations one way or the other. Meanwhile, it is CD8. My darlin' just came down with a big juicy coughing cold.
I am trying really hard not to feel thwarted or persecuted or victimized by silly and not so silly things like viruses and finances and circumstances-- this is just what it is right now.
Today I noticed the first day lily blooming bright yellow in the lush greenness that is my garden. I noticed the cat mint is covered in tiny lavender flowers. Today I am trying to slow down and pay attention to things that always help me feel more grounded, wrapping my hands around the warm mug that holds my tea, and feeling grateful for all that I do have, big and small.
A beautiful reminder from swirlygirl.