18 June 2009

what is next

I hate feeling anything like desperation. And there is so much bullshit desperation in this-- desperate for a plan, for success, for a pregnancy that holds and results in a healthy baby, a healthy kate. I get all tangled and reactive when I feel as if I am cornered and have to make a decision or take action in some sort of immediate now-or-never sort of way.
When really, this is not about now or never.

The emotional side of this journey feels so desperate so often, as if somehow urgency can change the outcome or make things clearer. When in fact, it just muddles it up.

I need to get my head and heart around the fact that this is simply about what is next.

I canceled the appointment at CCRM.
I called Boston IVF yesterday and have an appointment for tuesday for a consultation with the guy who handles many of their older patients. Their prices are not as incredibly horrific as CCRM, not immediately prohibitive, and they do work with ARC for financing. But/and the ARC prices are dependent on age and I am almost afraid to call.

So, I am gathering options, ideas, and information.

Today I will get an update on my hCG level. I have no expectations one way or the other.
Meanwhile, it is CD8. My darlin' just came down with a big juicy coughing cold.

I am trying really hard not to feel thwarted or persecuted or victimized by silly and not so silly things like viruses and finances and circumstances-- this is just what it is right now.

Today I noticed the first day lily blooming bright yellow in the lush greenness that is my garden.
I noticed the cat mint is covered in tiny lavender flowers. Today I am trying to slow down and pay attention to things that always help me feel more grounded, wrapping my hands around the warm mug that holds my tea, and feeling grateful for all that I do have, big and small.

A beautiful reminder from swirlygirl.


bb said...

Hi Kate,
Sorry your not sure what to do. I know how you feel and I do know that now-or-never feeling. I feel it all the time!!! (even though I know I have more time, but it doesn't always feel that way!) I can't decide what to do about CCRM either. I wish I was more clear minded to just mark it out as an option... it is like I have been waiting for some sort of epiphany over here!! DH is getting impatient because he wants to be doing something (selling our house or whatever, just some decision on my part) and I have just been waiting and hoping some solid decision will come to me out of the blue. Pretty funny when you think about it, haha!

So what I am trying to say is way to go to be active and searching for solutions instead of waiting. I need to catch some of that from you ;-)

Have a good day and goodluck with everything. I know one day all your persistence will pay off!!!!

Michele said...

my first lily burst on Sophia's 16m birthday.... What I would have given to have her here, to ooh and ahh and touch it. Instead, I touched it and tried to imagine her little fingers there instead.

Sending you big hugs. I know this seems like one thing on top of another in this journey. It sucks.

On a funny note, I swear, one of us always starts to feel under the weather near "time". Just jump his bones anyway! ;)

Big hugs, dear Kate. Big hugs.

Nic said...

I am sure a cough and a cold wont stop him if you are very persuasive ;)
The desperation and urgency I can relate to, not because of my age, but because of how impatient I am! When I want something, I want it now. The waiting is what always gets to us. Hence I set myself goals, big or small, doesnt matter, it just helps the mind to focus elsewhere for a while.
I really do hope this happens for you soon! Hope the Boston clinic will work out for you.
Nic x

Rose Mary said...

Hi. I want to offer a word of encouragement regarding your decision to possibly work with Boston IVF. Two years ago, at the age of 42, I became a patient of a terrific RE on their staff. I can asssure you I was treated with respect and kindness by everyone affiliated with Boston IVF.


IVF 40+ said...

I hear ya. As zen as I try to be when i am cornered I act out. It's amazing that you have an alternative already. thats cool.
Hang in there Kate. You will find the way.

Anonymous said...

You continue to inspire me.