For the first time ever I am having mid-month bleeding/spotting that started yesterday, it is CD12, and for the past two days I've been crampy on and off...I have never had this before and it is a little freaky. Ovulation bleeding? Maybe, but I have yet to surge. Only one faint line on the LH kit mid-day yesterday, not even close to a positive but it was good to see, made me feel as if I were heading in the right direction. But a mere 6 hours later a repeat test showed only a ghost. I hate pee sticks. I feel like they are playing with me. Yes! No! Maybe! Not so fast! Tricked you! Haha, take that silly hope!
Tomorrow I meet with Dr O down in Boston-- I am curious about how it will be, and am nervous already although I know it is a complete waste of energy to be nervous--of course that does not stop me, I am anyway. I do not know why I persist in hoping for an intellectual over-ride when it comes to these things. My body does its thing, gets all tangled and jangly, then my mind gets into it-- "there, there, no need to feel that way". Tough noogies. It just is. Body wins.
Oh internet, I just want to be pregnant already. I am tired of this bullshit of cycle hyperawareness and nervousness and worry and schedule crapola... even though folks have been on this ride oh so much longer than I have. It looks like I have a business trip in mid July-- the timing dictated by a tradeshow (any of you in San Francisco?), and I hope it is not at a time where I need to be monitored or inseminated or... so help me if the trip screws up my ability to cycle, I'll be one seriously crazy lady.
On a positive note, as a balm to my solstice blues, I saw two fireflies last night-- the first of the season for me-- and I am totally delighted. It is early yet, and to see them was pure magic.
IFblues/frustration and happy firefly bliss. Emotional dichroism..